On Love And Mental Illnesses
If you were like me growing up, the sort of things that occupied your mind were:
- When you’d find the one,
- And, who exactly they’d turn out to be.
When you imagined the love of your life as a child, or a teenager if you didn’t start that young, you probably thought about what you hoped they’d look like: tall, bearded, very fit, light skinned; and how you expected they’d make you feel: oh so in love, spoiled, beyond blessed, just unbelievably lucky.
When I was 17 years old, I drew up a very precise list of what I saw when I closed my eyes and imagined The One.
He had to be taller, broad backed with massive hands. That was number one at the top of the list. Following closely were traits like Intelligent, Intellectual, Smart, Kind, Loving, Caring, Honest, Truthful, Sincere, Funny, Tolerant, Patient, Supportive, Sensitive, Ambitious, Strong, Manly, Driven, Passionate, and Romantic. I added in some more deal breakers as well: he had to want children and appeal to me as someone who would be a good father; he had to get along well with my close family members and friends, he had to be a spiritual, God-fearing Christian, and of course a good kisser.
Beyond the things on my list, I accounted for many variables that weren’t necessarily as important to me; tribe/nationality/race, family background, socio-economic status, political bias, physical features, bad habits, etc. Many people do this consciously or unconsciously, we build up in our mind the perfect partner for ourselves, controlling, eliminating and working around the many factors that come into play when you meet any given person. That’s why you hear of people only going to certain restaurants, churches and gyms in certain parts of town at certain times of the day in hopes to meet and lock in a certain type of person.
With all the brain work, math and energy that goes into the science of The One, no one ever dreams up a significant other with a mental illness.
And when I say, no one I mean no one; not even the people with mental illnesses themselves. Which is surprising frankly, when it is estimated that 1 in 5 people walking this Earth right now has one form of mental health issue or the other. So, of course when I finally (after so many years of desperate scavenging) stumbled upon my Love, I doubt he had ever in his wildest dreams fantasized of a version of reality where he’d have a girlfriend/potential wife with depression.
Let’s say for the sake of it that I check all of the boxes he could ever put down; Pretty, Funny, Sexy, Tall-ish, Yoruba-But-Not-Really, God-Lover, Meh Kisser, Sunburns Easily, Extrovert-Turned-Introvert, Wants A Clone, and all the many things that only I could embody, there are still no boxes for things like: Incredibly Moody, Cries For No Reason, Has The Tendency To Curl Up In A Ball, or Might Cancel On Best Laid Plans At The Last Possible Second. Why? Because with all the factors and variables one could have accounted for, those ones never cross your mind.
My favour in this life is unmatched really, so of course my Love weathers my storms with such a regal grace that I feel like an asshole but not everyone’s life is so not-so-humble brag worthy and mental health issues like depression, anxiety, hyperactivity and friends, can be real joy ruiners.
If you really and truly love this person, and you’re committed to making it work for the long term, then you need to:
1. Acknowledge and accept that they have a mental illness.
2. Understand the specific illness and how it affects them in their daily life.
3. Be willing support them in their journey on their own terms.
Some people’s mental illnesses manifest dramatically worse than others and you are bound to get frustrated, shocked and even very ready to quit at some point.
Know this: those moments are valid, your reaction is human, and no one will hold them against you.
Relationships are hard enough as is without adding the weight of a life with depression for example. What will be counted against you though, is a lack of self-awareness and emotional accountability that results in deep resentment of your significant other.
They will really hate you if you wake up one day and suddenly hate them for all the things they had no control over. Speak up and let things go.
There is a twenty percent chance that you will end up with someone with a mental health issue in some shape or form. I know, I know: God forbid. But it’s a fact. Get a head start today; practice being open and accepting, practice patience and kindness, take a look at your own mental health and practice for a really unconditional love.
