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I feared writing this for a while. I thought I was afraid of the weight of the topic, but every time I tried to write, I left with an empty page and a head full of ideas gravity couldn’t pin down.

I’ll start here; The mind is weird. It can easily trail off to a thought map that began with imagining what you would have for lunch. Before you know it remembering how your dad made you pasta one day, when your mum worked late and rented “Catch Me If You Can” to watch with your siblings.

True story.

Your mind could also remind you of all the things you’ve said you are, and how often your daily actions don’t represent that. Here is where I get confused and try to run away from myself. I mastered this quite well.

I remember one day walking from work to class — easily a brisk 20 minute walk. Somehow, along this walk, I bought a coffee and a muffin, and finished them before class. I didn’t even remember doing this till I got an alert that money left my account.

This happens a lot these days. It’s great for when I don’t want to deal with the internal battles, but I always have to come back. That’s the annoying part.

I get back to myself thinking those thoughts are gone but they flash back very quickly. Often they are even more intense than before.

That intensity creates a reaction in me I never would have thought I was capable of. Looking for something to bang my head off of, punching a wall, and some more gruesome acts I am yet to accept my mind produced.

I know I don’t have a desire to hurt myself. I’m human. My most important goal is to survive. Everything I, and I imagine everyone else does, is to survive. So, why think negatively ? I imagine these negative actions will stop the thoughts, or a least replace them momentarily. Again, short term coping. Long term, they suck.

I’ve thought about how to work through it. It’s not easy because I lose my breath overtime I try to, but a close friend did something monumental for me.

I sent him a message one morning letting him know what was going on, and he said “welcome”. I felt relieved. I didn’t feel alone in these thoughts. Maybe that’s the first step. Validation. I sure as hell don’t feel as bad anymore so that’s a plus. I hope, if you feel this way or alone about anything in this world, someone with a similar experience finds their way to you.

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This author of this post would like to remain anonymous.

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