Coping with Romantic Rejections
I have this habit where I reach out to old flames for comfort when I have one of those days. You know one of those days when life is definitely winning, or when I’ve had a very long day. And especially when I crave intimacy or when I’m being rejected or not well received by a new love interest. I’m not sure why I do it. I know it’s wrong, and I continue to work myself. Overall, I’ve made lots of progress. I love being alone, and I love getting to know myself better. I also enjoy practicing self-reflection and then acquiring the necessary discipline to change myself for the better. However, I am still a work in progress.
Usually, I don’t want the former lovers back, and I’m sure some of them also don’t want me back. However, sometimes, it helps to know I was once loved, desired, and wanted. I’m not sure if it’s an ego booster or not. It’s more as if I purposely put myself in situations where I’m reminded of good times, of times when I felt safe, and like I could never be denied.
For some reason, I enjoy knowing I can make someone come to me when and if I want him to. I enjoy having access to good memories. It soothes the current pain and rejection that I might be feeling. But that’s it, nothing more. Then, I’m filled with guilt if the former lover still cares about me because then I’m further increasing the wounds that I’ve inflicted. I don’t want to do to people what I wouldn’t want them to do to me.
Other times I find myself quickly being into someone new and then abruptly lose interest. I more than lose interest; it’s more like I get to the point that I don’t feel the need to work for it, whatever it might be. I completely stop pursuing it. Then, I am left with curiosity, and this feeling as if there’s more out there. Therefore, I don’t have to cultivate this new potential relationship. I don’t quite yet understand that specific feeling, but that’s the current stage that I’m at. Better out there doesn’t necessarily mean better partners (but also better opportunities, experiences I’ve yet to experience). I do sometimes wonder if that feeling stems from my fear that being in a committed relationship can drastically change the trajectory of my life. I don’t want to feel limited, and I don’t want to compromise so much of who I am for the sake of a relationship. Or maybe it could be something I tell myself to cope with a dead-end relationship or rejection.
I’m still learning not to use men and their affection towards me as a crutch for when I’m heartbroken.
