Start With You: How To Build Healthy Relationships
Our relationships with others play a big part in our well-being. In fact, a decades-long study by Harvard researchers found that positive relationships are what keep us healthier, happier, and living longer.
However, in the goal for stronger and better relationships with others, we should not neglect the one we have with ourselves. By focusing inwards, we not only take care of our own well-being, it also has a positive effect on the relationships we have with others.
Prioritise Your Well-being
If you’re feeling down or upset often, taking those emotions into your relationships will be detrimental to the relationship and your well-being. That is why it is important to put yourself first.
Take time to indulge in your hobbies and other leisure activities you enjoy doing. Research showed that such activities are correlated with positive psychosocial states and lower levels of depression and negative feelings.
Unlonely by Claire Chamberlain is a lovely guide for overcoming feelings of isolation and making connections with others. It is filled with empathetic tips and features beautiful, calming illustrations. I love this line of hers in particular:
I will show myself love, kindness and acceptance.
Take good care of yourself, and you might start seeing some amazing changes in your relationships when that positivity carries over.
Get the book here: Physical Copy
Give Your Full Attention and Listen with Intent
Inspiration can also lie outside of our relationships with others. Whether it’s the calm of observing our fish friends or learning from our furry companions, we can learn a thing or two from pets, and our relationship with them.
Alison Davies’ Be More Dog is an adorable book that talks about how we can lead happier, more fulfilling lives and strengthen our connection with others using insights gleaned from our canine buddies. Dogs are constantly finding ways to show their affection, and as humans, we can learn a simple thing or two from them to enrich our relationships.
One of the most pertinent pieces of advice from the book is to listen actively. When we are with family and friends, we often take those moments for granted and are stuck in our own world. Instead of scrolling TikTok or focusing the conversation too much on yourself, turn your attention to the person in front of you. Don’t be too quick to rush in with your own thoughts, give them the space to speak, and truly listen to what they are saying. When you give others your undivided attention, it shows that you value their presence.
Get the book here: Physical Copy
Be Honest About Your Feelings
When we’re having a hard time, it can be all too easy to sulk and stay in our little bubble. If we want to talk to someone about it, we need to be the one to open up and initiate the conversation (people are not mind readers!).
Life is Tough by Briony Benjamin is a poignant and heartfelt compilation of all the lessons she learned through her cancer journey, from diagnosis, to recovery, and relapse. While Benjamin covers a lot more ground than just navigating relationships, one takeaway stands out: when you feel troubled, speak to the person in question directly, no matter how trivial, silly, or challenging you think your problem is. She believes that speaking out about your issues takes away the power they hold over you, making them much easier to manage.
This vulnerability can feel unfamiliar and scary, but that’s okay! You might be surprised how positively others may respond when you share this more intimate side of yourself.
Get the book here: Physical Copy, eBook
Take Responsibility and Identify Complacency
Emma Power’s How to Have Meaningful Relationships singles out complacency as one of the “monsters” that causes relationships to break down. The longer or better we know someone, the more likely we are to be complacent with them. When we stop making an effort even for the basic things, that’s when a relationship starts to fall apart. Power strikes a resonant chord when she asks:
What if we knew we had limited time with our loved ones? How would we act and be?
Humans are odd creatures. Our perspectives tend to only change when the potential of regret dawns on us. This is why it’s important to occasionally assess your behaviour in your relationships. Are you treating your friends and loved ones right? Have you been slack with certain commitments? Examine yourself and adjust your behaviours now if you discover something that you are not proud of. This may be a confronting experience, but if you can muster up the courage to reinvest yourself in your relationships, they might be better off for it.
Get the book here: Physical Copy
Let Go
With time, some of our relationships may naturally fade away or regress, ultimately reaching a point where it is simply not viable or healthy to hang on to them.
In Vicki Vrint’s book, All You Need Is Less, she identifies ways to uplift different aspects of our lives, focusing on quality over quantity. For relationships, she suggests “detoxing” them if you sense that they have become negative, toxic, or overall detrimental. When you realise that your relationships are draining you or always causing you to feel down instead of making you feel valued, that is a clear sign to let them go.
However, it can sometimes be difficult to give up on a relationship, especially if they involve family members or friends who used to mean the world to you. “Letting go” need not mean a complete removal of someone from your life, but rather, gradually letting go of them emotionally so you become less susceptible to any negativity in the relationship.
If you’re finding this tough, start slowly by not actively reaching out, politely rejecting invitations to meet, and building some distance. This way, you can channel more time and energy to interacting with those who affirm you and bring you positivity.
Get the book here: Physical Copy, eBook
