You’ve probably clicked on this article to prove it’s one of the many cliché pieces of advice on how a woman can become desirable to a man. This isn’t that. This is about a woman becoming highly desirable by spending less time creating an image that suits the societal model of the same and more time harnessing a personal connection with who she is. Truly.
The litmus test of a desirable woman is how she feels about herself despite her physical appearance. No matter who calls you desirable, you’ll never see yourself this way unless you feel it deep down. But when you acknowledge your own charm, you can’t help but draw others to yourself.
My interactions with women from all walks of life and studying high-value women have taught me nuggets of insights that properly encapsulates what it truly means to be a naturally desirable woman. Here’s what I’ve gathered over the years.
1. Possessing a sense of autonomy.
Has this happened to you? You meet someone for the first time, and they treat you like a queen, with gentleness in their voice and a delicateness in their demeanor. You relish this. They ask to meet up again, the same first-class treatment is rolled out.
But somewhere down the tenth meeting, a different wind starts to blow. You can’t put your finger on it; you just know the light is no longer shining upon you as it did before. No longer in the spotlight, the golden child (you) is having to do things that were otherwise done for you.
Nobody meets you at the door anymore. That bright smile that previously engulfed you with warmth has dissipated. Now? You show yourself in. You wonder. I’m still the same person. What on earth happened?
On the other end of the spectrum is a desirable woman who is always highly regarded no matter how many days fall off the calendar. What does she do differently? She is mysterious and, therefore, unpredictable. Her je ne sais quoi never fizzles out because she knows the power she has in withdrawing.
Withdrawing makes you mysterious. Availability makes you familiar. You stop becoming special. Of course, those close to us will always find us special no matter what. That’s not what we’re talking about here. To become desirable, you must stir a sense of autonomy where others feel that you don’t need them because you’re self-directed.
This isn’t to be confused with meanness. It just means you possess a set of skills and attitudes to work on what truly matters to you. Obviously, you don’t encase yourself in a cocoon, be open to reasoning with and appreciating divergent points of view. People will find you desirable, valuable, and deserving of respect.
2. The trait from the mysterious woman.
“Curiosity is the lust of the mind.” — Thomas Hobbes
She sat calmly, hands clasped, placed on her crossed legs. She didn’t fidget or slump for the two-hour conference session. She was the last to speak, and although her speech was the most impressive, she didn’t obviously claim the spotlight that was cast on her. Something in her demeanor caught my eye: Curiosity.
Curiosity in itself doesn’t make you desirable. But how it transforms you as you follow its trails of breadcrumbs does. Research shows you experience higher levels of positive emotions, lower anxiety levels, more satisfaction with life, and greater psychological well-being.
At a time when social media and the web makes it daunting to remain private, a desirable woman sets herself apart by keeping her opinions, values, and tastes unobvious. Even in the company of others, she’s comfortable sitting in silence, and when she speaks up, she never divulges everything about herself.
Most people think that disclosing everything about themselves draws others in. And it does, temporarily. But eventually? This closeness morphs into resentment. You want others to read into you what they wish to and form their own interpretations. This way, you create an air of mystery. People are drawn to this because there’s an incessant itch to figure you out.
Do a few disappearing acts from time to time. Take off to the woods for a week. Deactivate your social media accounts for a month. Let people sense your absence.
3. Defining what’s desirable to her, first and foremost.
I once asked my mom the one thing she would change in her life. “Nothing.” Her response is still emblazoned in my mind. For the longest time, I wished she had a man who would take care of her (my dad wasn’t the best husband when I was growing up.)
And for her not to recognize that sad aspect of her life as something worth changing shocked me. Maybe I need to learn a few lessons about not expecting a perfect marriage, but I can’t help but wonder if mom ever defined the kind of relationship she wanted with her man.
What I recall is that even during that turbulent period of my dad’s life, mom worked hard to foster a good relationship between him and me. Granted, this illustration may be too abstract to fully capture the picture I’m trying to paint, but the point is, like my mom, most women either give to others or pave the way for others to get what they need without giving themselves anything.
Until a few years ago, the term self-love was frowned upon because it signified selfishness. Once at an interview, a psychologist suggested that women put themselves first. There was a loud gasp from the audience — most of who were mothers.
It shows how we don’t put ourselves first but also how undeserving we feel about doing this. A woman is a giver. A well that keeps on giving. The problem is, few of us take time to replenish our reserves. We pour ourselves out until the well runs completely dry.
It bugs me that most ladies get to the sunset of their lives without actually knowing what they need, what nourishes their soul and spirit, what makes them come alive. And with relationships and kids taking a huge chunk of a woman’s life, many assume the role of a mother bear and allow it to consume them entirely.
The little girl in her gets shoved in a corner as her dreams desiccate in the hot sun of abandonment.
Thankfully, you can change this no matter what stage you’re at in your life. Draw a line in the sand today. Be okay with putting yourself first and let your adorable children know that mommy needs her private moments. There’s a mom who locks herself in the toilet half an hour daily and totally ignores everything happening elsewhere. It’s how she finds her inner balance.
The true reflection of a desirable woman stems from how she feels about herself. Not how she looks. By developing the above qualities, you too can become desirable.
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