5 Surprising Benefits of Choosing Myself After 24 Years
Dig the real you
Early in 2022, my life changed completely. In one single day.
I had been dealing with depression for the past two years: consistent panic attacks, body pain, extremely low phases, and an exponential increase in weight (45 pounds in 2 years).
I thought it was because of my day job and personal choices. I assumed the horrible feeling in my gut would magically disappear after I left my 9 to 5, and to no surprise, it didn’t.
When I jumped into full-time writing after being a developer for 3.5 years, I knew I had to do something different. I fell into a depression so deep that it was affecting my work. The pivotal motivation came from realizing that I didn’t want to live like this anymore.
I had journaled and meditated religiously, but received no answers from the Great Almighty. I thought I could fix myself on my own, but when no help came from above, I knew I had to get external help. I got a life coach.
Looking up from a downward spiral
I binge-watched Netflix and adopted bulimic eating habits for a whole month. Three severe panic attacks were my reward. To improve my mental health I’d have to work on my habits.
In a single day, my therapist found my biggest fault: I wasn’t choosing myself.
The desperate need for approval and pleasing my closest inner circle of friends had me putting their needs ahead of my own.
I was so terrified of not living up to their expectations — most of them in my head — so terrified I forgot to choose myself.
With my therapist’s help, I made some of the most important decisions of my life, including my career and children.
When you listen to your heart, your life will change tremendously.
1. No more panic attacks or body pain
I used to have intense pains in my chest and back.
A never-ending cycle of intense highs and lows horribly affected my body. Sometimes I couldn’t breathe. The dreaded foreboding signs an attack was about to happen were the worst. Worse still was that I didn’t know why they were happening.
But after that one day, they miraculously disappeared.
It almost feels like I’ve come out of depression too.
2. It was me all along and not others
Yeah, this was a bummer.
I’ve wanted to impress my parents and my husband all my life by meeting their expectations so they would be proud of who I am. I did everything to do it, too, despite hating a few aspects of it.
I put what I thought they wanted ahead of my own desires, not knowing they were proud of me all along!
I wrote an 8-page letter to my mom explaining the situation.
Mum: “Why didn’t you tell me? I never knew you were going through that. I’m happy that you’re finally understanding yourself. And I am proud of you!”
Me: “Really? You’re proud? Are you serious?”
The problem was that I never set expectations with my family — never informed them or took a stand. On that day, I learned a lifelong lesson about asking my close circle to aid my efforts.
3. Habits effortlessly fall into place
I’m still not perfect, but I finally got out of the horrible rabbit hole of binge-watching — feeling awful about it — binge-watching more to not think about the guilt and added body pain.
Now I go for walks and cycle a couple of times a week, maybe get takeout on occasion, and cook most of my meals. My creativity has improved tremendously, and my relationships with friends and family are better too.
Instead of my brain pendulum swinging towards both ends, it sways closer to the center.
4. Quit looking for escapes
Earlier, my heart yearned for constant change from normal, in the form of food, vacations, breaks, or new cafes to sit and work. No more sleeping the day away.
The need for constant dopamine hit made me physically and mentally tired because I was always searching for the next thing is exhausting.
I no longer feel like I’m running away from my problems.
5. Most important: I’ve started to let others live around me
When you think choices are taken away from you, often you start trying to make choices for others too — at least that’s what I did to feel in control.
Unclear expectations send you down another rabbit hole. Perhaps you can relate, as this was one of the most critical things to aid my depression recovery.
Once I took back making my choices for myself, my relationship with my husband improved exponentially. I don’t expect him to fix me because I’ve learned to choose myself.
Life in general is one of tranquility.
Learning about yourself is a fascinating, ongoing journey. I dig the ‘real Shruthi’.
Choose yourself to come out of your cocoon and rise as a beautiful butterfly.
Beaten the odds. Change your career, if you have to. Figure out who you are and made crucial decisions about your life. For the first time in many years, I’m proud of myself and want the same thing for you.
How will you choose yourself?
