Are You a Giver Heading Toward Burnout?
“Put your hands out, palms up. Now move them back and forth.”
I moved my arms in locomotive style, without the chugga chugga choo choo.
“Feel the energy in that?”
I nodded.
“Now close one palm.”
As soon as I did, the rhythm was thrown off.
“In order to have balanced energy, you have to be able to give and take.”
My coach had this way of delivering these kinds of messages in a gentle way. We’d been discussing the burnout I’d hit when my first marriage ended. And by burnout, I really mean crash and burn. A few years out, I was still recovering and hadn’t really been able to gain full balance.
Up to that point in my life, I’d been putting everyone else first, for the most part. My kids, husband, employees, employer, friends, parents — you name it. And as I did, I gave little pieces of myself away because I didn’t stop to ask myself if it was right for me. I did it because it was right for them.
Hitting Rock Bottom
It’s not surprising that I spiraled out of control the way I did. Weight loss, depression, and emotions coming to life at the most inopportune times. I’d lost who I was because I’d spent far too long living by other people’s versions of what my life should be and how I should be in it.
At the lowest point, I desperately wanted someone to save me. Someone to tell me what I should do. Tell me if I was on the right path and if I was doing the right thing.
Kind of ironic, considering that was the exact reason I was where I was. But no one came to my rescue. That journey had to be mine and mine alone.
I had to figure out how to put myself first and what actually energized me, instead of the constant giving that was draining the life out of me.
The First Big Step Back
One of the most enlightening and profound exercises I did, was figuring out my values. Once I did, I understood exactly why something lit me up or why it pushed my buttons and I would lose emotional control.
When it came to give and take, my values brought everything into perspective. I now had something to measure against when I was asked to do something. I could simply ask myself, does this align with my values? If it did, I was good to go. If not, I could say no without the guilt that usually plagued me. (I had to practice being confident that I was making the right decision saying no, and when the sky didn’t fall for either one of us, I started to trust myself more.)
The cool thing is, when something did align, I often found (and still do) that in the giving I was also receiving. It energized me to do things for the people I loved and I knew exactly why it was lighting me up. It a pretty beautiful thing.
Because I was more in tune with my personal drives, I also got better at listening to my body. Before, when someone asked me to do something and it didn’t feel right in my gut, I did it anyway. Like having someone I’d just met at a networking event asking to meet for a coffee and my gut would get that feeling that this person wasn’t right for me, but I would allow my logical brain to override the feeling. Inevitably, it never went well and that was draining on my energy.
Now when I get that feeling, I say no in a gentle way, or I do more inquiry as to why they want to meet and try to answer any questions they might have at the moment instead. This has made a huge difference to my energy levels, not to mention the fact that it allows me to free up time I would have otherwise wasted.
Learn What Lights You Up
Self-care can mean a lot of different things, depending on your perspective. There was a time in my life when I thought taking time for me was a selfish act but now I understand that when I lift myself up, I positively affect everyone around me too. That’s much better than me having a bad day and bringing everyone else down!
My morning routine is the thing that really helps to keep me aligned. I exercise, journal and meditate, then I learn something new. When I skip it, I can feel the difference.
I’ve also made a concentrated effort to seek out friendships with people who make me feel energized when I’m with them, and I book time with them regularly because I feel so good after.
Consciously finding ways to feel good matters, and it doesn’t even need to take a lot of time. I actually find it’s the smallest things that bring me the most joy. Like wearing fun shoes (I have ones with unicorns on them!) or focusing on my first sip tea in the morning.
Whatever it is you choose, it has to align with what’s truly you.
Once you learn how to receive and find the things that fill you up, you’ll quickly notice that you have a lot more energy for giving.
