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Hurt by Just Words

A Poetic Shout-Out

Photo by Émile Perron on Unsplash_294697
You know, words can hurt
One word, that is the start
An expression uttered for my ears to hear
Did you know they were my biggest fear?
The way you spoke, I just wanted it to end
What you’ve said took so long for my heart to mend
Endless days where I was totally upset
When all I wanted to do was forget
Words that I wished were never spoken
A tone of voice leaving me utterly broken
Believe me, words can wound more than a pinch
Traumatizing deeper than you think
Words have the power to make and break
I’m afraid of the power of those sayings
My sensitivity makes me more naked
Vulnerable to strong emotional wordings
Dear mother, don’t know if you truly loved me
But you just couldn’t see how much
What you have said really scarred me deeply
To the extent, I felt better of alone
You really couldn’t care how I felt
Confused, on my own wherewithal, like nothing was real
I tried not to let it bother me
Shutting out the pain like a window does rain
I thought your words wouldn’t last forever
Only ‘till I’d be okay as if it never occurred
But the remembrance of what you have said
Are taking a long time to fade away
(And I don’t want to remember you this way)
Mother, I know you were angry
With the world and what it had done to you
You blamed me for all that came to pass
When things didn’t go your way
Mother, you kept shooting lead in my heart
Refilling yourself with bitter remarks
Firing until your load was empty
Outlining my heart with holes of ache
Mother, you wouldn’t accept me
You said I wasn’t your daughter
If I didn’t do this or that for you
The way you wanted it, but not in the way I could do
You said you didn’t get any love from me
But mother, you got my complete devotion
Just not in the way you demanded it
I regret that your ego didn’t allow you to see
I know you couldn’t take care of yourself
In that sense, I can forgive you
So all of us tended to all your needs
Even to my almost complete depletion
Mother, you never could realize
How you blackmailed us with your words
Making us responsible for your happiness
Eventually leaving me to make all the decisions
Your words have scarred me deep inside
Now I’m so scared to form my own opinion
And with that to hurt somebody
So I try to choose my words wisely
I rather stay an observer
Carefully, being non-judgemental
But even then it is impossible
To not occasionally say the wrong thing
I don’t want to be hurt by words anymore
Don’t have a weapon against it
Don’t want to use words as a weapon 
For then I would do the same thing
It’s a puzzle in my head, a stone in my heart
A struggle for me every day
For I don’t want to blame you for how I feel
That’s my own doing and I’ll find a way
Can we not all just live in harmony?
In a non-manipulative and accepting way?
Acknowledge each other’s truth and being?
Think of the other when we’re about to say?
Mother, I only want to be myself
Be accepted for who I am
Feel accepted no matter what
Be happy just the way I am
Mother, since you’re not here anymore
I can see you for who you truly were
A very brave and strong woman
I’m sorry your ego got so much in the way
I know we had our differences
And you really hurt me hard
But I’ll always remain your daughter
You will always have a place in my heart

— To my mother who passed away on June 8th. May you rest in Peace.

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