I Decided That I’m Going to Fall in Love Again — and Then, I Did

I stopped waiting and just dove in

Photo by Julia Caesar on Unsplash

I’ve been tired for longer than I’d care to admit. It’s the kind of tired that sleep doesn’t touch. It’s a weight in my soul that just won’t be dislodged. It’s a gnawing situation in my gut but also in my bones, and if I’m very quiet, I can hear it crackling beneath my skin.

I want to fall in love again.

I will admit that I thought the last time would be the last time. I was so ridiculously sure of it in a way I’d never been before. And, in the end, I was so much more wrong than I’d ever been. I didn’t fall out of love. But he did.

I decided recently that I’m going to fall in love again, and I’m not going to wait for it. I’m going to take that leap myself — even though I know from bitter experience that the fall is often so much better than the landing. But if I want to be in love, why wait? Why not start right now?

A lack of a partner might seem like a challenge, but I decided that it wouldn’t be. Because I don’t just want to fall in love with someone who could easily decide one day that I’m difficult to love or that they don’t want to put in the effort it would take to continue to love me. I don’t want to dive with someone only to spy them climbing out of…