My Utmost For His Highest
This is the place where I yearned to reach, and the name of the book I just finished reading. For years, I have longed to have the disposition of Christ and be the person He created me to be. Not to know all know about Him, but to be one being with Him.
That they may be one, even as we are one.
I met this person let’s call him Elvis and I was so in awe by how Christ Conscious he was and determined to be his friend. From friends of the interwebs to endlessly talking on WhatsApp, we were great friends.
A friendship that lasted 3 years going on to 4 years in which I learned a lot and he made me want to get it right in faith so bad that in time I substituted Him for Christ without knowing and placed myself in being a worker for Christ where God did not place me.
I had this utopia in my head of something that was not real because I had already mapped out everything. All the talking and the jokes and sharing scriptures; I knew this was love. It was love only very far from reality. I knew he was interested but would never encourage him because of how I saw myself spiritually. I would only be a hindrance. So I sabotaged all the intentions by talking of how it would never work.
Love is Peaceful
This was not. There comes a time where the road branches and you can either choose one or remain in one spot. All the spiritual imbalances, the sabotages, different interests made talking so tense to the point of coming out as being judged. I felt judged.
I felt reduced to my looks. Soon after we parted, Elvis posted a photo with his new partner celebrating his love and ending it with “Gold is not found on the surface.”
Yes, I was not as spiritually strong, yes I could have done better or been better but leave me out of your new chapter. My only flaws were that we’re not grace mates. I unknowingly wanted someone to do the heavy lifting for me spiritually and this is not feasible. For a while, it looked like we were on the same page, you were actually trying to help me get better spiritually but it was too much.
We all have to seek God personally. There are levels that we will never attain until we look for Him on our own. We have to work out our own salvation.
I hate it when there’s no accountability when one wrongs another. When one tries all kinds of vain conversations from coffee, to the weather or politics while sweeping the real issue under the carpet.
Call me out, tell me I was wrong, correct me when I am wrong when my conversations depict wrong thought processes or my actions are selfish. But never ever say I was bad when you never called me out on my faults, tried to correct me and assumed I knew.
I might not like it, conversations might be weird, but please call me out when I am wrong.
Right now I look back and see how mismatched our energies were and I was the more invested party. I don’t miss him, or the past, or the conversations. I have since realized my toxicity when it comes to relationships and how much of an enabler I can be.
In Rejection, I found Acceptance
When my utopic world came crumbling down, so did I. I don’t talk much on WhatsApp like I used to. I don’t anticipate conversations anymore. I have ceased looking for perfect people or perfect relationships. Every person is battling an issue. Every Christian is battling something before God, which will determine whether they’ll get to the Highest.
In being dragged along for that long and being left high and dry, there were only two options, cling to God or leave Him altogether.
I chose to painstakingly cling to God. Clinging to Jenn Johnson’s In over my head, Come to me, and You are gonna be okay, these songs helped me power through. I clung to God and He has shown me more in 5 months than He did in the 5 years I have been saved. One day I will write about them, but I can promise you that they’re beautiful. I no longer judge people harshly as I judged myself for not being the highest. I am intentional in my relationships and I have accepted that God loves me and accepts me.
I am still battling the same old things, but I’m battling them with Christ, and before Christ. I know I am winning because of what He has shown me in 5 months. I have fully accepted myself as I am, and slowly walking towards where He wants me to be. Every stride with Him reveals what I need to shed off, retain and maintain. I have come to realize that Christianity is more of right being than right-doing. It’s a relationship.
Come to Jesus, he might change your circumstances, but he will change you first.
Love yourself and always show up for you even when no one else does.