Jealousy or Contentment

I have a confession to make. I’m jealous. Nearly eaten up by jealousy.

I wasn’t always jealous. In fact, I have spent the majority of my adult life quite content with what God has handed me.

However, somewhere in the last 15 years or so jealousy has crept into my life. I’m jealous when other writers get more claps than me on Medium. I’m jealous when other people in my company get raises. I’m jealous when other runners cruise past me on mountain trails running like they’re mountain goats or something.

And I loathe this feeling because it is producing things in me that I’m not really proud of nor do I want to be a part of my life.

Another Discovery on the Dreadmill

I discovered this feeling of all places on the treadmill. It was one of those freezing cold Friday nights and I needed to get a twelve-mile run in because I had to be at a district meeting on Saturday. That day I had noticed at work that I was in a constant angry, bitter mood. And that is so not me that as I ran on the treadmill I finally cried out to God. “What in the world is up with these feelings? This isn’t me and I don’t like and I don’t want them!”

God very gently answered me. But not the way I expected Him to. He took me back to the source and began to unravel this film in my life. It was almost like He was saying, “are you sure you want to deal with this?” As I ran along He began to show me where this beast came from.

Leaving Everything

My wife and I went to Kazakhstan as these weird hybrid missionaries in 2001. Our responsibility was to work with the emerging church and begin to show the new believers how to start and maintain small businesses. When we left we were both in the middle of outstanding careers. My sales career had finally taken off and I had built a very profitable territory. My wife had risen to an executive secretary position at the local children’s hospital. We were doing fantastic financially but even better we weren’t consumed by needing to buy stuff. We lived quite simply in a small apartment, didn’t even own a TV or computer at home, didn’t have a dishwasher and we were quite content.

Fast forward to a couple of years in Kazakhstan and this is where the beast began to rear its ugly head. I kept getting emails from one of the salespeople who had taken over my territory (my company decided that in order to keep it going I needed to train up two salespeople rather than one to take my place when I resigned) and he was busy buying yet another bigger house and nicer car and even talked about being debt free. The other salesperson was also swimming in money.

Meanwhile, my wife and I were getting by. We had good financial support but basically what we weren’t using to take care of our local bills was going to fund more business people as we really had a vision for what we knew was going to happen once God had established the local believers with solid businesses able to fund the work of the church locally.

Money Flowing Everywhere but Here

Then the oil and gas money started flowing and people began to sell the little houses they had bought for next to nothing for hundreds of thousands of dollars. My wife and I went on furlough for six months and our support went way down and we struggled to pay our bills while we were home in the midst of a church split. And the whole time this beast kept rearing its ugly head.

We got back from furlough and immediately the mission team we were a part of began to have a really intense audit by the government authorities. Since my language was the best of the people in the country and I wasn’t really nervous about the investigation/audit since I was doing exactly what my visa said I was doing I was chosen to do all the talking with the investigators. These were hours of very intense discussions in my second language where the investigators were attempting to trip me up constantly. And at the end of the investigation, our team who we thought had our backs didn’t even thank me for all the time and effort I had put into making sure their organization didn’t get shut down by the government since they were doing next to nothing that the charter said they were supposed to be doing.

We lasted another two years under an ever-deepening jealous/covetous spirit before we burned out and escaped in the midst of nervous breakdowns, totally broken and trying to figure out what next.

Coming Home with Nothing

And came back to the United States in 2008 and it got worse. By this time I was a solid 225+ pounds of rolling fat and could barely walk up a flight of stairs. All of our friends lived in great houses and seemed to be doing great financially. And we were dead broke and because we were developing really bad habits (physically, financially and spiritually), the wheels were coming off really quickly.

And the beast kept rearing its ugly head.

Running Toward Freedom

Then I started running. First, it was the goal of being able to get around the block, then a 5K and then I signed up to run my first marathon. Along the way, I discovered God again and discovered He could speak to me again. And I began to slim down from the height of my 250+ pound round mound of fat disguised as muscle.

The further I ran the more I began to meet God. I discovered peace again and I discovered I could be healed again but there was always something lurking that seemed to be holding me back from becoming the man that God created me to be.

And then a couple weeks ago as I ran on the treadmill (which I have nicknamed the “dreadmill”) God began to ask me if I wanted to be free and healed and best of all, He asked me if I wanted to be content again.

Philippians 4:11 says, “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”

Contentment versus Conflict

Contentment can be defined many ways. I’m not really sure the source of my favorite definition but this is the one that speaks most to me. Contentment is the state of happiness and satisfaction. I want to be satisfied with what I have in front of me and not be in the is a constant state of striving.

I believe that taming the beast is going to involve learning how to be content with where I am, what I have and who God is making me to be. Taming the beast is going to take celebrating other writers when they receive a gazillion claps and I get two. Taming the beast is going to take not worrying about how much I am currently being paid or what anybody else is getting paid. Taming the beast is going to take being excited when a runner cruises by me on a mountain trail because I know the bear is going to eat them first. Wait scratch that last one, that doesn’t strike me as contentment. I will admire the way they run and applaud them as they cruise by me.

Taming the Beast

Most of all I am looking forward to taming the beast by becoming peaceful again and appreciating the things that God is placing in front of me. Not just the good things but the challenges and the obstacles.

The best part of this is that I know that as I tame this beast I am not going it alone. I know there are countless people that also need to tame the beast of jealousy. Most of all though I know I have an incredible wife who will walk this journey out with me just as she has the last thirty-two years and I have friends who will support me and encourage me. Best of all I have a God who is for me and not against me. My God thinks I’m pretty awesome and He already paid the price so I can tame this beast.

I’m so excited about taming the beast that I want all of you to know that I appreciate whatever you can do to encourage me to finally put this beast to sleep and that you will hold me accountable to not let it rear its ugly head again.

Let’s take off on a long run together and begin to tame this beast as we explore the trails of life that are in front of us.

Adventures are just a small part of Living an Ultra Life but it is attainable for all of us. I don’t know what is inside of you that needs taming but I want you to know that I am for you and that if you need a word of encouragement to feel free to drop me a note at mike@mikehornerultra.com.