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Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down…

Image by Nathan Anderson unsplash

Remember the Carpenters?

Today is a perfect day for their music.Her voice resonates deeply within me.

Especially “Solitaire”

When I was 18 and I went through a particularly rough time, her music soothed my soul.

Along with Don McClean and some bluesy types of music…(is bluesy actually a word?! ) It is now!

Then there’s REM. “Everybody Hurts Sometimes”. Except this is probably one of those depressing songs that makes me feel worse…So I can’t really enjoy it anymore.

I’ve been going through a pretty hard time off and on for over a year.

There are good things and good people in my life, however, I just become completely overwhelmed and teary at any given moment these days …

Something as simple as my child not listening…

Or just getting through the day…

I feel like this life is a joke at times,

It’s like that movie,”Groundhog Day”. Just the same shit day in and day out.

Sometimes I wonder so many things…

I wonder if I should even be a mother, because I feel woefully inept. I wonder how many moms feel like I do ?

I love my child, of course! I just don’t feel, most days, that I deserve the “Mom” title.

The myriad of tasks that go with parenting feels like I’ve been cast out to sea and I’m drowning.

It’s an inner struggle. There are some who are more fit for motherhood than I… That’s what I tell myself.

I’m basically my own worst bully.

Try as I might, I have an awfully hard time being kind to myself.

Everything I do is a struggle.

For example, I’m trying to learn some new software… the tutorials make it look so easy… but when I do it, or attempt to, nothing works smoothly…

The tirade in my head begins.

Who do you think you are anyway?”

What, you think you’re actually gonna pull this off?” Tsk tsk.

And on and on it goes …

The thing is, I know I’m beating myself up emotionally. If I heard someone else talking like that, I’d be full of compassion, and running to their aid.

So why in the world, can I not be kind to myself?

It’s not a case of “Fake it till you make it”.

You can’t bullshit a bullshitter…

I don’t believe that I really deserve anything good, therein lies the problem…

No matter how much I tell myself I’ve had enough pain and torment, I don’t believe it.

I feel that in my black heart I don’t deserve any love and that’s why I fight it tooth and nail.

It sounds odd, but that is what I’m comfortable with…

That’s what it ultimately comes down to…

How the hell do I get out of this headspace?

I wonder if perhaps I’m dealing with a more severe type of depression right now…?

But then I’ll have a couple really good days and wonder if I was perhaps being melodramatic?

I’m at a crossroads here…

Looking for a life preserver to keep me afloat just a bit longer…

Just until I feel a little stronger…

S.O.S.