Searching for Childhood as an Adult
As a child, I had a hard time because I wanted to be older, and now I have a hard time because I don’t want to grow up. I took pride in being the “mature one.” The child with the highest aptitude for sitting at the adult table. Silent and observing. I was pretending all along to follow the conversation that unfolded before me, but mostly delighting in the compliments and praise that I’d receive. The other kids could go play and watch TV; I was happy to sit amongst the grownups doing what grownup people do.
My parents would get asked what tactics they’d use in parenting to get me to be this way. “How wonderful and settled for her age. How do I get my kid to be so well behaved?” When I was in earshot of these comments, I’d beam with joy. “Old soul,” my mom would say because there wasn’t a good explanation. “Real age 12, but I feel like at least 22,” I’d say when someone asked me how old I was.
I discovered an old picture recently. In it I’m around 14 years old, I’m wearing a fresh braided batch of flowers on my head. Memories of the day are vague, but I remember going on a long walk with my family and eventually sitting and making the flower crown with my mom while my brother and dog run around in the fields around us. It must have been spring as the flowers were fresh for the picking and I was seated in a thick bed of grass reaching taller than my shoulders, the sun shining on my face. My eyes are fixated on the camera, and my mouth is in a tight-lipped smile. I don’t look happy.
What was it about my youth that robbed me of the natural wonder of child-like curiosity and delight? Perhaps I’m overreaching. Maybe it was always my personality that forbid me from having any fun — always taking myself too seriously. Concentrating too hard on what other’s thought of me — overthinking and over planning every move.
It has taken me the last 10 years to soften. To shed from myself the undeniable desire to please and appease. To work through the stubborn limiting beliefs on who I should be and how I should present myself to others.
The new year is upon us. Time for resolutions and new commitments. A chance to stop fighting myself on every corner. This year, I am going to loosen up. I’m going to take myself for a walk, pick some flowers and smile, because as the years keep rolling by, the harder it is to stay young and childlike, but the more important it is to let yourself be free.
