What The “H” Is Going On?
Dealing with My Mental Disabilities
Several years back I was diagnosed with ADHD. I always had my suspicions so I wanted to clarify it. It turns out they call it sub-clinical, which means I don’t really qualify for the medication. For 20 years or so I have been on anti-depressants and social disorder medications and have had to deal with the side effects. Currently, I am clean of all of it. I thought I might find out who I am clean.
ADHD is my constant companion. The “H” here means hyperactive. I will describe this:
- When I look like I am still, inside I am not.
- When I am sleeping, my brain is not.
- When you are talking to me, I may or may not be listening.
- If I am, halfway through I may stop and ask you to repeat it all.
- If I am not I may look like I am ignoring you.
I also found out about 10 years ago I may have blepharospasms. Ever heard of it? Neither had I. It is the nerve in the brain that controls the muscle movement of your eyelid. At any given moment it can go kaflooey. Stress causes it and stress exacerbates it. Seems it is genetic. One member of the family has it to the degree where she cannot keep her eyes open without Botox treatments. Mine is not there, but bad enough that the fatigue induced causes mental confusion. I did some research and found out in the 1800s they put people in asylums because they just thought they were insane. Oh, thanks!
Shall we add dyslexia? Why not? This is A reading disorder that manifests itself in various ways. No, I don’t get my letters mixed up, but I may scan a page instead of reading it, have to read out loud instead of silently, or have to start over to concentrate more on what I read. Processing is slow, or nil. I also have some trouble determining right and left.
A psychotherapist told me if I did not have these issues, I would have done exceptionally well in school. For a long time, I translated that as “if I wasn’t so stupid I’d be smart.” I had to change my perspective. I finally likened it to heading to a destination and there are detours, roadblocks, and obstacles in the way. The destination is there. It is a real, solid place. It just takes me longer to arrive, and I may get lost a few times.
How does one function with so many unresolved issues?
I compensate. I have a job, and I think I do it well. I pretend in front of people. All of this takes energy. I retreat and am alone when I can be. I pray….a lot!
Answered prayer is not my motivation to continue. If it were I would have stopped a long time ago.
There are many things I have prayed and asked for and not received. I pray for one day of mental rest and what I consider normalcy. I envision what normal is. It’s this picture of water flowing effortlessly over jagged terrain. I pray for stress to end and I get more piled on. I get heaps of it from every side.
The very fact that I make it through every day and remain believing is my answer. If my Father in heaven gave me everything I asked for what would I become, but spoiled and ungrateful.
I am thinking:
What if within the disabilities and mental challenges hide the creative genius?
We see it all the time. People who excel in one area, are exceptional, yet in the everyday, mundane spaces, are, well, ill-equipped, a little different by our standards. If what we think of healing ever really took place in everyone, would we have the same compassion and empathy? Would we have the discoveries, the inventions, the writers, the artists in the various venues we do now?
God uses the fall of man for His purposes. We did not lose the image of God within us and He is the creator, thus are we creators. In our mess of a state, His glory is still perpetuated. We still learn, discover, build and grow every day.
I seek answers. Yes, I ask for healing. I don’t stop. I don’t settle for less than I can have and I can’t force God’s hand in mine.
The Holy Spirit prays for us.
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” (Rom 8:26,27 NIV)
I love that…wordless groans! Makes it sound like He is saying “Oh, there she goes again, I have to translate this one too!” Maybe if I can keep that perspective it will be easier to accept my circumstances. I may always be a frustration on someone’s lips and bewilder those close, but that will be their problem, not mine.
“The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.” (Zeph 3:17 NIV)
Jesus is resting….in His love, even in the midst of my unrest. Can I park here?