When ‘I’m Not Being Mean’ Actually Means You Are

You don’t have to make meaning of what is ‘not’ said

Elaine Hilides
Publishous

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Levi Meir Clancy For Unsplash+

“I don’t want to tell you what to do, but you should tell your boss what you think.”

Someone I trusted told me this in my first job. I’d told her how my boss left everything until the last minute, which made things tricky for me. In preparation for my meeting with him, I had two Mars bars with my 11 o’clock coffee, and, fuelled by a sugar high, I told him what I thought.

Let’s say it didn’t go well. He didn’t appreciate hearing what I thought about his management style.

“Why did you do that?” my friend reacted when I told her.

Because you told me to.”

I didn’t”, she protested, “I said, ‘I don’t want to tell you what to do.’”

So why say something if you don’t want to say it?

I’m Not Being Mean …

When you hear this, does a siren go off in your head? You know the following comment will be mean, but the speaker doesn’t want to appear mean.

When someone says, “I’m not being mean …”, you know they will be negative. They might be about to tell you you’re the most fabulous creature to walk the earth, but it’s unlikely.

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Elaine Hilides
Publishous

I'll help you go from anxious to peaceful. Wellbeing coach for over a decade. Currently enjoying a digital nomadic life travelling, working and having fun.