When your kid comes home for Christmas break with the entire contents of his dorm
Will he switch, ditch or something else?
A little history
My kid gets accepted at his school of choice. That was big. AND that was only the beginning.
What I realize now — fully — is there is no arriving in life. Life is a flow of moments that build on each other. The wedding day is just one moment in a marriage. Getting accepted to a college is only a moment in further education. All those monumental kid milestones I stayed awake at night stressing over since the birth (like teeth coming in, sleeping through the night, first poop) are long forgotten and replaced by the current accomplishments like navigating a new town.
Champagne/Urbana is a town I had never stepped foot in until I went to the parent/kid orientation. A day full of tons of information. I went to most things but I also ditched some events because I wanted to explore the campus. I did this quickly and efficiently by riding the bus route for a few loops. At the end of the day, we met up in the same spot where we parted earlier in the day — The Union with a fantastic view of the lush green quad.
As my son confidently walked towards me he rattled off to me his classes. Bio, Chem, and Calc. I blinked hard and he had an excited look on his face. “Oh, and an online astronomy class as a safety net in case I need to drop a class.” Nodding with the blink, blink, blink.
I didn’t say anything. I thought about how that schedule does not sound fun to me and hoped that he would be happy with it and enjoy college. I didn’t enjoy college and that is the MAIN idea I want to get across to my kids — be happy, enjoy your time, life is short, live with few regrets.
Our final stop of the day was going to his dorm and checking out what it looked like and pick up the vibe. It was on the farthest edge of campus. The bus I was on would normally go to the dorm but since it was on a limited route . . . because the dorm was so far . . . ugghh.
For perspective sake, it isn’t THAT far. But it isn’t close either. It wasn’t like he could finish a class, drop into his room, change and then go to work out. It would be finish class, walk 20 minutes, change, then walk another 15 minutes to the gym, and if you forgot something . . . you get the idea. It isn’t the end of the world but it doesn’t hit the bull's eye of creating happiness or ease. My personal belief is housing and food, the most basic of needs should be stellar.
In fairness to all the dorms/schools, we visited I was only impressed with one dorm room/school. The rest were tired, run-down, and honestly kind of gross.
In the process of picking the dorm, we waited too long and probably didn’t talk to enough people who knew the school. I thought my kid would take more of a lead on this — since it is where he will be living . . . the ball was dropped by all of us.
When he started college he had some really hard classes, a dorm room that didn’t fit his needs, and a completely new town/campus to navigate.
Where are we now?
My kitchen is filled with 4 tubs containing the contents of his dorm room.
I have a happy kid ready for his break — eating great food, having a fabulous shower and a room that is as clean as he and his brother can keep it.
After much research on his part, he found a new residence hall to move into and took care of all the paperwork himself.
After much adding and dropping, he found the classes that met the criteria of the program AND were interesting and stimulating for his brain.
He played soccer on a team, joined a few groups, found that making friends is tricky.
Saying goodbye to his room was bittersweet and looking forward is exciting. That is a valuable lesson.
What I’ve learned as a Parent
When my son started his Senior year of high school I told him I was going to be “kicking him out of the nest”. I would no longer micro-manage. That was hard for me — I’m not a helicopter parent but I do check-in and make lots of lists. Partly so I don’t forget and partly so we can be on the same page. My kid, at times, does need more support (don’t they all?). The discovery of when he needed support and when he didn’t was never cultivated — parenting oops. Life has a flow, doesn’t it? In order to flow we need to stop holding onto the branch over the stream. In order to flow we need to notice the rocks ahead and gently bounce off of them. In order to flow we need to understand that getting stuck in the lily pads might be just what we need.
I have dropped my agenda. I let go of expectations. The only thing I want for my kid is to have a sense of joy and love for what he is doing in this one life. I want that for him but I can’t make that happen, he needs to make it happen. He can’t do it easily if I am meddling.
By dropping my agenda and micromanaging — instead, taking a supportive role for both of us life has more flow. In my heart, I know he can do it. In my heart, I know I have trouble letting go. We talk about that too.
We talk about everything now. When I stopped trying to protect him from the world/having an agenda, the beauty of life could easily be shared. I understand that now, I feel the difference. I understand how my life is flowing and how his life needs to flow too.
We are all walking each other home. — Rumi
I imagine that I’m flowing down a river with all my kids. Or like at the water park when we are in the lazy river floating in our tubes — together yet not exactly.
When will the tubs leave my kitchen?
Today.
His self-appointed job today is to go through each tub deciding what to take back to school over the break and what to keep at home.
Come January he will have a new dorm that more closely matches his needs. The food in the dorm is delish and he is closer to classes, the gym, and Einstein’s Bagel with his Caribou Coffee.
My kid has learned so many lessons this first semester of college that have nothing to do with academics and that is something they don’t really talk about on the college tours.
Like my kid, I have learned many lessons this semester. I’m excited to watch as life unfolds for him. It’s kind of like living a book that never ends.
May we be happy.
May we find our flow.
May we love without an agenda.
