Why You Need to Run From a Toxic Relationship

How One Night Changed Everything

Doris Swift
Sep 9, 2018 · 9 min read
Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

It was the summer of ‘79.

My senior year in sight, I was picking up extra cash working part-time at a local Winn-Dixie grocery store. That’s where I met him —an older guy who worked in the produce department.

Okay, he wasn’t that much older, like creepy older, but when you’re on the edge of 17 a couple of years seemed like the difference between high school football and the Super Bowl. Plus, he was exceedingly more mature than those boys in school who still thought the highlight of their day was outdoing each other’s bodily sounds.

I craved attention and his compliments were aplenty. It was just what this disheartened, discontented, disillusioned teenage girl needed — that and his black Z-28.

I wanted to grow up so fast so badly. I was totally over the teenage drama of backstabbing girlfriends and cheating boyfriends. I believed skipping right into adulthood would be so much better.

As If.

Do you remember that? When we were all crazy and wanted to be adults? What were we thinking? Oh, that’s right, we weren’t.

I really liked this guy, except I wasn’t totally sure it wasn’t because he liked me first. I remember nonchalantly strolling back to the break-room whenever possible. Did I mention I had to journey past the lettuce and grapes to get there? No, I don’t believe I did.

“When are you going to go out with me?” He’d ask.

“When are you going to ask me?” I’d answer.

The playful banter went on for some time, grooming me for more. He did finally ask and of course, I jumped. He made the best cheeseburgers and took me on real dates — not just the hey, come hang out and hear our garage band dates. No disrespect to garage bands, I used to sing in one, but this was a seriously grown-up relationship. But grown-up relationships bring grown-up complications, and this girl wasn’t prepared for adulting 101.

As Christmastime drew near I wasn’t baking cookies, I was tossing them. At first, I thought it was something I ate — isn’t that always the way? The flu, maybe? I missed school days and work days and the smell of Aqua-Net hairspray sent me running for the bathroom.

It was my mom who first realized my flu might eventually need a name.

It didn’t feel weird when he slipped the engagement ring onto my finger — we had been talking about marriage for months. We started planning a wedding and I’d be a mom by August. Take that, high school friends who left me or ignored me or found better girlfriends than me.

I never realized how quickly life plans can change from one moment to the next, and I’ll never forget the night that changed it all…

On our way to dinner or who knows where we stopped at Mr. Z28’s apartment. He ran in to get something while I waited outside. As he walked back to the car, I could tell his whole demeanor had changed. Something was wrong — very wrong.

I wouldn’t realize how wrong until later.

“I just got a call. My brother’s baby died.” I was stunned. He teared up and all I could say was how sorry I was for the loss of his nephew. I don’t recall what happened after that but I will never forget those words — my brother’s baby died.

Days went by and my family and I wondered what we should do. Send flowers? Condolences? After all, I was going to be part of this family in the very near future. Since his family lived out of state, the funeral arrangements weren’t in our newspaper and of course, Google didn’t exist yet. This man I was about to be hitched to offered no help whatsoever and seemed to know nothing about the details.

Soon it would become quite clear as to why…

Moms Know More Than the FBI

My mother should have been a detective. Besides finding out where I was at all times, she had a knack for uncovering information. She was able to hunt down Mr. Z28’s father’s number — so she called him.

That was the start of a startling realization.

Nobody’s baby had died.

As a matter of fact, the child in question was alive and well. Why would anyone make up such a horrific story? For years I questioned myself. I kept thinking maybe I just remembered it wrong. But I didn’t.

After the phone call from my mom, his family traveled all the way from North Carolina to Florida to sit on our sofa and give us the 411. Actually, it was more like 911. We did not tell Mr. Z28 his family was coming down, and evidently, they didn’t tell him either.

After a long and disturbing conversation, want to hear their advice?

Run, Doris, run. It will be a long 40+ years, Doris. Do not pass go and do not collect $200.

Forrest Gump wasn’t even on the radar yet, so I was the original.

I was Heartbroken, Angry, Stunned.

I didn’t want to run. What about my new life being a wife? What about the baby? At this point I must admit, my entire family was a little freaked out. The whole thing was like bizarro world, right?

I finally came to grips with the truth. He was not the person I thought he was or knew him to be. He lied to me. And none of that was my fault.

So I did run after all. I ran all the way from Florida to New Jersey. Actually, I didn’t run, but I did head for the nearest runway. My love-him-like-a-brother cousin flew down to escort me on a flight back to my extended family up north who provided safe harbor.

I was bitter. Why did I have to run? Why did I have to leave? Now I know it was the best thing for me and for my little one.

A broken heart may hurt, but I’ll tell you what, that ring came off my finger faster than you could say bye Felicia.

Trust God Has a Plan Even in the Midst of Devastation

I have no ill will against Mr. Z28. I forgave him years ago. By devastation, I do not mean my pregnancy. That was the most beautiful part of this whole messy montage — a beautiful baby boy. He was the gift I got to keep when I had to walk away.

I am so grateful I never married that man. I know first-hand the woman Mr. Z28 finally did marry didn’t have it any better. He left her for a woman he met on the internet — after she had a ton of kids. Figures. That’s not gossip, that’s a testament to God and how He helped me dodge a bullet. His plans are always better than mine.

God had his hand upon me even back then, even when I wasn’t exactly the godliest of girls. I was young and nieve. I’m thankful that even then God had plans for me despite my efforts to do life without Him. I’m thankful He didn’t say “How’s that working for ya?” He just extended mercy and grace and got me back on track.

God has plans for you, too. He extends to you that same mercy and grace and He can get anyone back on track. Nobody who seeks hope is a lost cause.

Betrayal Cuts Deep But God’s Love Goes Deeper

God took away my shame and hurt, but it wasn’t immediate. It took a long time to heal. He could have zapped it right away without a trace, but sometimes our wounds need His salve to sink in and sometimes we need our scars to remain. Scars are beautiful because they’re like the stones of remembrance Samuel used and Joshua used so that generations could remember God’s faithfulness.

Our scars remind us of God’s faithfulness because those wounds did not kill us — they made us stronger.

Today I am healed and I am free and in His timing, God gave me more. My beautiful son and my real-life-meant-to-be husband — the one chosen just for me. And when I thought our story could not get any better, he gave us a daughter.

God changed my plans so I could follow His. He exposed the lie and said, “No, this is not my plan for you; I have something better in mind.” I didn’t hear that audibly but I heard it loud and clear. I’m so glad I was listening.

Now listen to this:

*Don’t lose heart if your heart has been broken.

*Don’t lose heart if you’ve lost your way for a time.

*Don’t lose heart when it feels like all is lost.

*Don’t lose heart when life gets messy

We don’t need to lose heart, we need to take heart because as long as we are living for a cause nobody is a lost cause.

Hope exists and we can have it for free. No strings attached.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” — Jesus

So why do you need to run from a toxic relationship?

Because God has something better. God’s plan for you does not include toxic anything. Before you marry that wrong person, or take that wrong road, or make that wrong decision, ask God to give you a glimpse of what could be. Ask Him what His plan is for you. I guarantee, it’s better. But even if you’ve messed up, He can make your paths straight again.

I actually didn’t meet my Mr. Right guy until about three years later. First I had to realize I didn’t need a man to make me a whole person.

I am whole in Christ alone.

Your Journey to Healing Begins with Forgiveness

If you feel shame or guilt or can’t forgive that person who did that horrific thing, Jesus can make you free and He wants to. Jesus helps us forgive because He came so we could be forgiven. Bad things can happen to us but it does not have to be the end of us.

We need to stick it out, grip trust tightly, and grasp onto hope so hard our nails leave marks in our palms. Jesus took those nails and left His marks so we could have real hope to hold onto. If you doubt Him, tell Him. He proved it to Thomas and He will prove it to you.

Yes, I was hurt by that ugly lie on that fateful night, yet I am so thankful for the lie because it changed my life for the better. God used this lie to expose not only what was not true, but what was true…

God can take what is ugly and flip it. He can restore, make new, and reveal the paths of life to us even through broken roads and cracks in the sidewalk.

I was a teenage mom and I wouldn’t change a thing. I grew up way too fast, but I didn’t miss a thing. God restores what the enemy steals from us and it’s infinity x infinity better. Thirty four years later, I am still doing life with my Mr. Right.

Below are some photos — like the kind that keep you standing in the theater as the credits roll. Here are the real-life people in the story. The original this is us. We have grandkids too and I’ll share them in another post. So follow me here on Medium so you won’t miss it.

Peace & Love From a Former Teenage Mom,

Doris

A teenage mom and her best boy
My son, Michael, and his beautiful wife, Randi — blessed
MFEO (Sleepless in Seatle fans will get this)
Our beautiful daughter Lisa

“Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18–19

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Doris Swift

Written by

Inspirational writer, speaker, author. Encouraging others to use their gifts to impact the world. http://dorisswift.com/

Publishous

Discover tomorrow’s bestsellers today. You'll say you knew them when.

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