You Loved Me More
In the Fall of 2010, I met my first husband, David. We dated briefly and quickly moved in with one another. I soon found out I was pregnant, and we married a few months later. It sounds unremarkable because it was. There was no cutesy proposal, bridal or bachelor parties. There wasn’t any fanfare at all.
Oddly, it was how I knew my marriage was doomed.
I know how bad that makes me sound like all I want in life is fancy parties and a big wedding proposal, and to be very honest, the little girl in me did. However, the adult side didn’t want the actual parties or the attention; I wanted someone who would go the extra mile for me. I was always willing to love without fear and give all I had until I could give no more, but somehow the marriage never felt real, and never felt permanent.
I suppose if one wanted to you could chalk this up to an unhappy and spoiled millennial child who has no idea how to stick it out with someone and make a marriage work, but is that really what I was supposed to do or was I supposed to be happy?
The truth is, I wasn’t satisfied from day one.
I knew that getting pregnant with my son meant I needed to have a stable relationship with his father with or without the marriage, so I spent the next three years doing everything I could to create a happy marriage façade. Friends and relatives were well-convinced, I had succeeded. I’m still not sure it did anything to help, David hasn’t seen his child in months. We divorced in late 2014 after I finally felt as though I had done all I could to make it work with David.
Our son was 2, and I did not want him to remember his mom and dad splitting up. I met another man very soon after and he has been a part of our lives four years now.
David always said he loved me more; I guess he was right all along. I feel for him. Loving someone that strongly only for them to be miserable in return? It wasn’t fair of me, and I am that person, but I won’t apologize for it, because I had the right to find my happiness, everyone does.
I found the person that will go the extra mile. No, there still aren’t any fancy proposals or elaborate wedding ceremonies, but I’m a different person than I was ten years ago. I don’t need all those things now. What I need is someone who will love me unconditionally and matches my effort. I thank him, and the great provider for everything I have.
I would still be me even if I didn’t have Gabriel, but he sure does add some fantastic things to our lives.
We don’t have much luck being civil, David and me. I have tried but there are a lot of other people in his ear, and that makes it difficult. I have always been open to visitation for the child, and we have made it work a few times, but he stays distant.
I do not ask my son to call Gabriel “dad,” but he has chosen to do so on his own accord at this point. Not having a good relationship with my child’s father has not been much of an issue for the child. He continues his daily life and hasn’t had much to say about it. I’m sure sometime in the future there will be questions, I hope we are ready.
He deserves answers.
When someone replies to “I love you” with “I love you more,” they mean it; at least in my experience. At one time, I did love David, and he always loved me more, I guess in the end, the simple phrase had a lot more power than either of us realized. I often wonder if he says that to his new girlfriend, not because I am jealous, but because I am curious as to whether he still believes in it.
I hope he does.
