October 2016 Horrorscopes
Refrain from making any major life altering decisions prior to October, 7, Libra.
Capricorn 12/22 -1/19
The best days of the month for you are October 1st (New Moon in Libra/Venus Trine Neptune) October 4th (The Sun sextiling your ruling planet, Saturn) October 18th, and Halloween. Make sure on all hallows eve that you do not get drunk with ghosts because they do not know how to handle their boos. In case your friend, the apparition, gets arrested, I have a feeling it will most likely be for possession. Muahahaha.
Celebrated Creepy Capricorns (Fiction and Non-Fiction)*: Dean Arnold Corll “The Candy Man”, Tom Marvolo Riddle “Voldemort”, Bane.
Aquarius 1/20–2/18
Seasonal changes may have you feeling sick, you may start to feel under the weather, This is a silver lining to your Halloween costume decision making. If you find yourself coffin, then you should be a vampire. If you find yourself gravely ill, you should probably go to the hospital and stop reading this horoscope you monster. The best night for making a wish upon a star is October 20th (Orionids Meteor Shower) and October 30th (New Moon in Scorpio).
Awful Aquarii (*): Freddy Krueger, Gary Ridgway “Green River Killer”, Kim Jong II “Shawty”.
Pisces 2/19–3/20
Congratulations, you are officially one of the weirdest (and most charming) signs of the zodiac. Three out of the twelve zodiac signs are statistically highly likely to be a serial killer. Quick, join a clergy. This October will be nothing short of magic. Go big or go home, if already home, go to Jamie’s. Key dates: 1st, 7th, 18th, 22nd, and 30th.
Popular Pesky Pisceans (*): John Wayne Gacy “Killer Clown”, Charles Cullen “Angel of Death”, Donald Henry “Pee Wee” Gaskins, Randy Steven Kraft “Scorecard Killer/ Freeway Killer”, Richard Ramirez “Nightstalker, Norman Bates “American Psycho”, Charles Lee Ray “Chucky”.
Aries 3/21–4/19
Your fiery nature is enough to burn a witch if you had to. But please, don’t. Arson is a crime. The best date to show off your glowing personality is the night of October 16th when the Super Full Moon in Aries lights up the night. If you end up naked in a cornfield and shouting expletive deleted’s at our nearest satellite, expect for people to call you a “swearwolf”.
Archetypal and Abominable Aries (*): Alexander Joseph “Lex” Luthor, Adolf Hitler “ קטן זין אדם חלש”, Henri Desire Landru “Bluebeard”.
Taurus 4/20–5/20
Your ruling sign Venus will be having a cosmic tango with Neptune on October 1st. Make sure to wish upon a star this evening, because it is highly likely to come true. Another powerful day is October 18th when Venus enters Sagittarius. Make sure to go outside on the night of the 20th when the Orionids Meteor shower will be lighting up the sky.
Terrible Talked-about Tauruses (*): David Miscavige “Sir Cookoo Panties aka the Leader of the Church of Scientology”, Pol Pot “Brother Number One”, Saddam “Fuzzy Nips” Hussein.
Gemini 5/21–6/21
Your ruling planet, Mercury, caused quite the raucous last month, didn’t it? You were probably the least affected by the madness, but that’s because your sign is kind of mad in general. Great days: 7th (Mercury in Libra), and 30th (Mercury trine Neptune). Try to lay off the crazy this month, and no, this doesn’t mean to fire Debra.
Notable Grisly Gemini’s (*): Jeffrey Dahmer “Milwaukee Cannibal”, Mary Flora Bell “Child Killer”, David Berkowitz “Son of Sam”, Kenneth Bianchi “Hillside Strangler”, Richard Chase “Vampire of Sacramento”, Jason Vorhees “Jason [Friday the 13th]”, Donald “Fuckface VonClownstick” Trump.
Cancer 6/22–7/22
Your sign is ruled by the moon, and our neighborly satellite is highlighting your sex appeal this orbit. Key dates for you moon people are: 1st, 16th, and 30th. The best night to summon the dead (*insert jest*) is on October 30th, it’s the second New Moon of the month (this only occurs every 2.5 years). This horrorscope is a non-binding contract, please do not bring back the dead, unless it’s Janis Joplin.
Choice Creepy Cancer’s (*): Jodi “Pollyanna” Arias, OJ “The Juice” Simpson, Alessandro de’ Medici “il Moro”.
Leo 7/23–8/22
Famous Leo, Elizabeth Bathory killed over 650 victims in a little less than 20 years. Her roar was loud, her sign, like yours, is ruled by the Sun. Now you can be like Elizabeth (now dead), or aim to be forgiving. A great day to welcome the light in your life is on October 4th (Sun sextiles Saturn) and on the 22nd when the Sun enters Scorpio. Leading Loathsome Leo’s (*): Benito “Iron Prefect” Mussolini, Grigori Rasputin “Mad Monk Rasputin”, Elizabeth Bathory “The Blood Countess”, Emile Louis.
Virgo 8/23–9/22
You’re a tricky sign, often painted as, “The Virgin. ”Well, research would prove otherwise. Statistically speaking, Virgo’s are highly likely to be serial killers, don’t believe me? Google it. Your charming smile is so sweet it’s enough to kill. Just remember that time flies like an arrow and fruit flies like a banana.
Vile Venerable Virgo’s (*): Ed Gein “The Plainfield Butcher”, Richard Biegenwald “Thrill Killer”, Dean Carter, Terry Blair, Andrew Cunanan “The Boston Strangler”, Henry Lee Lucas “Confession Killer”, Paul “Ken” Bernardo “Ken and Barbie Killers”, Bellatrix LeStrange ‘Bella”, Dr. Jonathan Crane “Scarecrow”.
Libra 9/23–10/22
If you tell bad jokes this month, let me tell you, they’re all going to laugh at you, and not for the right reasons. This is highly unlikely to happen to you after Mercury (ruler of communication) enters your sign on October 7th. Refrain from making any major life altering decisions prior to this date. Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to the….other side.
Leading Lousy Libra’s (*): Michael Myers “The Shape”, Carietta “Carrie” White, Bobby Joe Long “Classified Ad Rapist”, Andrei Chikatilo “Butcher of Rostov.”
Scorpio 10/23–11/21
“From the world of darkness I did loose demons and devils in the power of scorpions to torment” stated infamous Scorpio Charles Manson. What did he mean by that? I suppose it’s subjective. The latter half of the month is in your favor, I implore you to use your power for good and not evil. During the week of the 22nd major transitions will be happening in your sign. Feel the power, feel the vibration.
Sinister Scorpio’s (*): Hannibal Lector “Hannibal the Cannibal”, Kefka Palazzo “The Psycho Clown”, Charles Manson.
Sagittarius 11/22–12/21
Out of all the fire signs, Sagittarii are the most likely to be criminal. This is likely because you probably recently stole a certain person’s heart. October will have some magical times for you so sit back and enjoy the ride. Some key dates for your sign to say, “yup” are: October 1st (Venus trine Neptune), October 18th (Venus enters Sagittarius), and October 30th (New Moon and Mercury trine Neptune).
Scuzzy and Scandalous Sagittarii (*): Ted Bundy “Lady Killer”, George Chapman “The Borough Poisoner”, Alton “Pissy” Coleman, Timothy Krajcir “The Beast of Ukraine/ The Terminator”.
