Season 3 | Episode 1 | “Instafight” | Aired Nov 3, 2014
For those of you who have not experienced the amazing first two seasons of Vanderpump Rules: Don’t worry. It won’t take a lot to catch up. The show is a spin-off of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills; Lisa Vanderpump, of the dubious English accent, owns a restaurant named SUR (French for “on”). The show revolves around the incredibly attractive yet incredibly incompetent wait staff. They all date and hang out exclusively with each other and don’t understand boundaries. You’ll catch on.
Thus begins the tertiary saga of the SUR staff. Jax is doing pushups in his apartment, musing how his life is different since he broke up with Stassi. He and Tom Sandoval got into a fistfight when he learned that Kristen slept with Jax, but now they are back to being bros because shaking cocktails together is a bond you can’t break. Jax also is trying to make the untied-bow-tie look happen. Good luck with that.
Tom Sandoval is now dating bartender Ariana, because “she believes in me.” He’s never been this happy. You hear that, Kristen? HE’S NEVER BEEN THIS HAPPY! Ariana is famous for her declaration to Kristen last season: “I’m smarter than you; I’m prettier than you, get the f*ck over it.” A feminist anthem for the ages!
Meanwhile, Scheana, she of much makeup and hair extensions, is getting everything she’s ever wanted in life. It’s all happening for her. So much so that she got that tattooed on her forearm. Almost Famous is her favorite movie of all time, and this is her favorite quote. To quote Inigo Montoya, “I don’t think that means what you think it means.”
In the back room at SUR, Kristin tells Scheana, “I have something to tell you, but I can’t talk about it right now,” with a shit-eating grin. Scheana falls right into her attention-seeking trap. I’ll cut to the surprise: Kristen, while Instagram-stalking her ex Tom Sandoval, contacted a girl who claimed to have slept with Tom when he was in Miami. Kristen is filled with evil glee because Tom is now dating Ariana, another server at SUR.
Are you ready to update your chart of relationships? Kristen is smug about telling Scheana about this because Ariana is Scheana’s best friend. What a dilemma for her! Does she tell Ariana because it’s her best friend? Or does she spare her best friend’s feelings? Remember when Bravo used to show biographies?
Stassi, dressed to the nines and her hair chopped to her shoulders, is getting ready at Katie’s later. Six months ago, after she broke up with Jax, she moved to New York for a new start. In those six months, she’s grown up sooooo much. Too bad her new boyfriend wanted to move to Los Angeles. Stassi never said goodbye to Lisa when she quit, which she feels bad about because Lisa was like a mentor to her. (Huh? Really?) Stassi can’t believe people haven’t grown or changed like she has. In the past six months. Stassi has even started a blog! Stop the presses! It’s really a hobby. “Hobbies are for rich people. You need a job,” scolds Lisa. Lisa should be a career counselors for millennials.
How much you want to bet that Stassi will be working at SUR again before the season ends?
On the night of Scheana’s birthday, her crew meets up at Mixology, Scheana and her fiancé Shay arrive, and I’m surprised Scheana can stay upright with the amount of hair extensions, fake eyelashes, and layers of makeup she has on. it’s pretty frustrating when someone naturally pretty like her turns herself into a clown. Kristen arrives with James in a shirt that screams “I’M A DIRTY MODEL.” Whoops, he also forgot to let us know that he’s also a famous DJ. He has toured with Deadmau5, if that means anything to you.
Tom Sandoval and Briana arrive and Tom could not … look … more ridiculous. I’m not one to gender-police someone’s clothes, but Tom is wearing black jeggings, a long white flowing cardigan, and a white beanie. He looks like Twiggy on a trip to Paris. Tom obviously talks shit about James immediately. Oh, Tom hates Kristen’s new boyfriend? Not at all predictable. Something else not predictable is Scheana making a big deal talking to Tom about his indiscretions with the girl in Miami. Tom denies it, and Scheana starts to cry off her mink eyelashes. It’s her birthday; she can cry for attention if she wants to!
Meanwhile, Stassi and her new crew (she’s such the Carrie of the group!) go out to eat at Andaz. This includes Katie, as well as Kristina and Hen — who are also servers at Sur, except we’ve never seen them until now. Because they are so over Scheana and her birthday and don’t care about it, they talk a lot about how over it they are. They take a celebratory Instagram picture.
Meanwhile, over at Mixology, Tom Sandoval sees the picture and declares an INSTA-FIGHT: “We obviously are having more fun that they are!” They proceed to take a lot of pictures of themselves making faces and poses. The gals at the restaurant start throwing in their ammunition, taking pictures of themselves with their mouths open and giving the devil’s horn signs. Wow, I’ve never seen people who are over each other cares LESS about the other person! Tom and Tom kvetch about how much they hate James. Sandoval calls him a “muppet.”
Kristen won’t let the thing with Tom and the Instagram girl go. She screams at Jax for defending him. Tom Sandoval finally confronts Kristen to talk about it; then she refuses to talk to him. Really, Kristen? It would bring more attention to her. James gets in Tom’s face and tells him, “Go take a Beamer selfie.” James retorts, “Go take a Honda Civic selfie,” which gets a genuine laugh from me. Of course, Tom takes a swing at James and we fade to black, only to be left with a cliffhanger.
Coming up this season: people cheating! People crying! Scheana freaking out! Stassi is in love with Jax again! Bikinis! Photo shoots! No one actually doing their jobs! I can’t wait.
