Season 3 | Episode 11 | “Tears Over Miami” | Aired Jan 12, 2015
“In Scheana’s world, it’s all unicorns and penis straws. In my world, Kristen is doing everything possible to ruin my trip.” — Ariana
These past two episodes of Vanderpump Rules have been so action-packed that I could write novels about it. But let’s focus on the two major issues that we really want to dive into from part two of Scheana’s bachelorette party in Miami: Tom and Kristen, and Jax’s alleged gay relationship with his old friend John.
Up until now, Tom Sandoval has been avoiding Kristen and focusing on new girlfriend Ariana, and Kristen has been the one complaining nonstop about Tom and Ariana being together. Finally, Tom and Kristen get drunk enough to have a conversation about their relationship. Yes, these people are ridiculous, but as someone who has been on their journey for three seasons, it is satisfying to see.
For a short minute I almost feel sorry for Kristen. Then she gets that satisfied smirk when she makes Tom feel so badly he’s crying and saying he still cares about her. In her mind, she wins. Mark her words, she won’t stop until Tom and Ariana break up. Kristen is literally turning into a Disney villain. She even has the grin for it.
And Tom cries … hard. Snot running from his nose crying. Tom, you go ahead and let it out. Show your emotions — no need to be stoic. I feel for him. He’s realizing that his best friend is a sociopath, and he is trying to come to terms with breaking up with a girlfriend he was with for six years. What is this I’m feeling? Empathy?
Last episode teased that Jax and Tom are meeting up with a guy they used to know when they lived in Miami. Tom tells Ariana that there were rumors that John and Jax hooked up. John was a model scout who “discovered” Jax and took him in.
First, if Jax and John did have a relationship … so what? I don’t want to feed into any sort of shock and awe over Jax being with a man. This crew was actually pretty accepting of it — and quite frankly, no one was really surprised. Jax all but admitted earlier in the day at the pool he was a sex addict, so I am sure that anyone who paid attention to him or fed his ego would be someone he would want to sleep with.
Jax thanks John for making him who he is and starting his modeling career. I surmise that John was like a father figure to Jax when he first moved to Miami. John and Jax are playful and flirty together, but then again, Jax also spooned with the two Toms in their bed the night before. Scheana remarks, with lots of archival footage of Jax grinding on all his male friends, that his actions generally have a lot of homoerotic overtones. Can’t argue that.
Newly anointed “cool girl” Vail keeps pestering John to give her dirt on Jax so she can use it to tease and flirt with him. Ugh, give it a rest, Princeton grad, your schtick is tiring. At this rate, she’ll be the new Stassi at Sur.
Speaking of Stassi: This week we heard that she is done with reality television. I think we may be done with her. I wonder where she learned that from?
It’s sad that Stassi is not the queen bee she once was. Let us never forget:
Other developments:
Jax looks like a completely different person in the pictures from 10 years ago. It’s almost alarming.
When Tom Sandoval is in the pictures with him, they look like a ’90s boy band.
Not enough Tom Schwartz in this episode.
Scheana and Shay are actually quite endearing as a couple.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, because I’m feeling genuine interest in these people. It just proves that if you watch something ironically long enough, it stops being ironic and actually becomes enjoyable. You got me, Vanderpump Rules!
