Season 3 | Episode 12 | “A Stand Against Stassi” | Aired Jan 19, 2015

If Sarah Koenig were investigating the friendship breakup of Katie and Stassi on Vanderpump Rules like she examined the Serial podcast murder case, she’d have a lot of questions for the gang at Sur. What kind of person is Stassi? Did she seem like she would cut off so many relationships? Was she ever forgiving of their mistakes?

Fortunately, the Sur-ial podcast would need only one episode, because we have all the answers right in front of us. Yes, Stassi was used to being the Queen Bee at Sur. Now that she is not there, she has less control over its staff. She has no tolerance for any act that seems to be against her, even if it wasn’t intentional. She’s basically maneuvered her way out of every friendship. Katie says it best when they meet for (a very awkward) lunch: “Not everything is about you, Stassi.”

Stassi expected Katie to come back groveling with an apology for betraying her so much, which drives me crazy. Stassi seems to put her friends through little trials to test their loyalty — and if they fail, she gives them a guilt trip. What a fun friend to have.

I’m not sure what else Stassi has to offer the show. Her boyfriend does not want to be on camera, and she has no reason to be a part of the group anymore. Dare I say that Scheana has become the new alpha of the group? Remember, Scheana: With great power comes great responsibility.

Since we don’t have Stassi at Sur, we have new hostess Vail, who so far is Diane to Jax’s Sam Malone. Peter, Sur’s manager, gets more screen time than he ever has in his life, because he takes an interest in Vail. They go out on a coffee date, which is Vail’s version of a “just friends” date. Peter really lays it on thick; his game is staring deep into Vail’s eyes, which of course is creepy. Vail is pretty honest, too. “You’re awkward,” she tells him. Oh, these two! I can’t wait to not care about their journey as a couple.

Vail, ecstatic that she can make the conversation about herself, blabs to Katie about how Peter is sooooo into her but is awkward. “Everyone at Sur eventually dates everyone,” she shrugs. Jax sympathizes with Peter, because their Venn diagram of who they’ve plowed at Sur has a lot of overlap. Jax recalls his terrible record, which allows us to see a brief flashback of the infamous Laura-Leigh, yelling, “You’re stuck with me until I get another job!” I really do miss her.

I’m out of words in the thesaurus or the DSM-IV manual to describe Jax’s behavior. He is back to texting Carmen, the woman he broke it off with to be with Las Vegas Tiffany, the one who bankrolled his bathroom sex in San Diego (oh, sorry, “alleged” bathroom sex). Carmen, who seems to be the smartest one on the show (yes, that includes Princeton grad Vail), doesn’t want to deal with his nonsense. We all know how Jax takes rejection, so everything should work out calmly. He takes Carmen out to lunch so that his plan will work: He’ll wine and dine her, and eventually charm her so much that he will “wear her down.” What a romantic!

Kristen, the Evil Queen, has been keeping in touch with the girl from Miami with whom Tom Sandoval allegedly cheated on Ariana. She will talk about it nonstop with anyone who is around her, even her new boyfriend, James. I’m starting to feel bad for James, who has to sit around listening to his girlfriend salivate over breaking up Tom and Ariana. Although, someone needs to have an intervention with him about his hair. Ironically, the one person who could help him with hairstyling is … Tom Sandoval.

Speaking of James, he’s still producing Scheana’s future hit single, which features Scheana rapping: “So you like me/And I like you/We can work it out/Just us two.” At least she admits she needs auto-tuning. Kristen refers to Scheana’ s rapping as porn-star rapping, which is, simply, an accurate description.

Odds and Ends:

• Still not enough Tom Schwartz! The few minutes we see him, he is very into the leather porkpie hat he is wearing.
• Ariana’s face watching Peter flirt with Vail was entertaining. “I don’t need to see Peter trying to get laid.”
• Stassi has a “studio” in her apartment in which she designs all her statement necklaces. There are no chairs in this studio. “Everyone at Sur thinks I’m just a loser, but I’m really making it.” Sure.
• Lisa sees a dog she loves and talks about making sweet, sweet love to it.
• One of Jax’s ex-girlfriends, Rachel, is a stand-up comic who has based her whole act on Jax.

Although this episode wasn’t as action-packed as the previous trip to Miami, it’s a bridge to next week, when “Miami girl” shows up to confront Sandoval. And we finally see the infamous scene where Scheana screeches “Listen to me!” that has been teased in the season trailer. Oh, believe me, Scheana: We are listening.