Season 3 | Episode 15 | “For Better or Worse” | Aired Feb 9, 2015

Nothing feels better than doing something really cool for a really cool person. — Tom Sandoval

It’s a good thing that Vanderpump Rules was filming during Scheana’s wedding. Scheana was also super-generous in allowing the cameras in on such a personal affair. In the reality show Olympics, weddings bring out the worst drama in everyone. Since so much has happened since the last power ranking, it’s worth seeing where everyone fares at the wedding. In order from worst to best:

Jax Taylor

“Jax will be Jax,” we always say. Scheming to get women, scheming to break up his friends’ relationships, and protecting his own lies at any cost — that, we can handle. Here, he muses that he identifies with George Clooney, in that he was a playboy for several years before he got married. But therein is the problem; Clooney married a human rights lawyer. “A human rights lawyer?” asks Jax incredulously. “What do they even talk about?” Probably not nose jobs, working out, or texting exes, so I think you are safe, Jax. Do you think Amal Clooney will be insulted when she hears what Jax said about her?

Giggy

On the one hand, he gets out of the house; on the other hand, he has to wear a purple leisure suit. He’s two seconds away from drowning himself in the flower-adorned water fountain.

Carmen

She of the no-last-name, ex-girlfriend of Jax who told him, “You’re 35, grow up.” Jax is slowing playing a long con with her to win her back. The joke is on her, because she ended up going to the wedding with Jax. She looked stunning in her dress, however. I hope she used double-sided tape.

Kristen

We’re all familiar with Kristen’s shenanigans in trying to break up Tom and Ariana. No one wants her at the wedding, but of course Scheana “forgot” to bring Shay’s wedding present from her apartment. Luckily Kristen was the only one she could call to bring it to the resort. Kristen, in return for being a savior, weaseled her way into getting her hair and makeup done, which was only supposed to be for the bridal party.

Katie

Katie got invited to Scheana’s pre-wedding slumber party, but still had to sit in the audience like a plebeian. We’re glad she’s out of Stassi’s ass, but she’s still not sure about Tom. If this show were scripted, her stage directions would mostly say “moping.”

Tom Schwartz

Loyal Vanderpumpers, you know it pains me to put Tom Sandoval so low. His floppy hair and puppy-dog eyes won’t get him out of what he did, which was cheat on Katie in Vegas and then insist he didn’t. He should also know that wearing a white T-shirt to a rehearsal dinner is a busted move. Not only that, but he wore a long, floppy tie to the wedding, looking like a cross between Thomas Jefferson and a street urchin.

James

No, you are not imagining it. James, of the dimpled-chin-professional-DJ-and-British-apology-letter-writer fame, has made some strides. He has decided to call a Truce with Tom Sandoval, and they even have a good talk with how Kristen is still texting Tom Sandoval. He shows a bit of a spine when he confronts Kristen about it, who replies that he can’t expect her to not think about Tom once in a while. I also applaud James for trying to bring back low-cut blouses and dog tags as a new trend. I’m not hating his as much anymore. Maybe in comparison to Kristen, he seems okay.

Scheana

Scheana has taken her new role as queen bee of the group after the fall of Stassi, and she takes her position seriously. However, she is under the ilk of, “It’s my wedding day, I get exactly what I want right now.” Unpopular opinion: I liked her crop-top wedding gown. It was a hint of trashy, but mostly classy. She treated her bridal party like queens, giving her girls presents and attention. There’s some drama where the music started without her cue, and she almost ran away from the wedding. As you may have guessed, it all worked out. And — I swear, don’t tell anyone this, or I’ll lose my cred — I teared up a bit at their wedding vows. I like how they said “I choose you” instead of “I take you.”

A list of things that were included at Scheana’s wedding were: shot glasses, gumballs, free champagne courtesy of Pandora Vanderpump, and more makeup than a Maybelline factory.

Tom Sandoval

Despite some slippage into Kristen’s evil trap, Sandoval is doing all right. As a groomsman (why him and not the other guys?) he pampered Shay, giving him a beauty day at the salon and a tailored white tuxedo jacket. Sandoval kept the groom 10 minutes behind because he, Sandoval, had to take the time to get ready. Endearing or obnoxious? Maybe both. He really does seem to care for Ariana. So much so that he got his face shaved baby-butt clean. “This will feel great on Ariana’s vagina,” he says at the salon. Hey, at least he’s using the anatomically correct word.

Shay

The elusive Michael Shay has made appearances on all three seasons, but what do we really know about him? He seems laid back, avoids drama, and is deeply in love. He is a friend to everyone and gets invited to all the Vanderpump-sponsored vacations, yet doesn’t pay the price of having to humiliate himself for it. Plus, he just married the woman he loves and got a wedding paid for by Bravo. What could top that? Well, perhaps …

Lisa Vanderpump

Sorry to say she will always end up on top. She finally borrowed Giggy’s balls to fire Kristen after seven years of unprofessionalism and attitude. That, and her formalwear always out-stuns everyone. She shoots Kristen a trademark glare when they arrive at the wedding: “You can put a lipstick on Kristen, but it’s still a Kristen.”