Season 3 | Episode 16 | “Ring on a String” | Aired Feb 16, 2015
This is the nicest wedding I’ve ever been to. It’s also the first wedding I’ve ever been to.” — Jax
I never thought I’d say this, but I’m having a bit of Vanderpump Rules fatigue. I suppose I expected Scheana’s wedding to be the finale, but it looks like there’s more stories to tell. I can already imagine that we will see more and more of the Kristen drama, which says more about how Kristen is able to play the reality show game than how much her story matters.
In last week’s dramatic cliffhanger, we were left with Scheana and Shay getting married after overcoming such difficult obstacles such as the music cues starting on time. Scheana, Bridezilla is not a good look for you. She keeps going on as if “her perfect wedding plans were ruined.” I wouldn’t worry too much, Scheana, because there’s an entire production team from the show there, so I am sure things will go fine.
This episode chronicles the exciting adventures of her wedding reception, in which, of course, things go not the way she wanted. She and Shay are supposed to do some sort of choreographed dance, which turns out to be jumping up and down while waving. Not only that, but she was supposed to have something called a “dollar dance.” Her breakdown is worth a look, so I’ve captured it here.
Kristen and Lisa finally have an awkward conversation after Kristen’s firing from SUR, and Kristen says such dumb things as, “I know it wasn’t personal.” Uh, yeah, it was personal. Lisa holds her own and is disgusted when Kristen hugs her. Kristen promises to let Scheana have the spotlight and not take away from it. For you non-English-lit experts: That’s called foreshadowing.
Jax, desperate for Carmen to validate him by hooking up with him, tries many techniques, including insulting Carmen and begging her to spend the night with him by swearing up and down that she promised to stay with him. The editors even included a flashback to her saying the opposite; even they are tired of Jax’s bullshit. Desperate for anyone to hook up with, he sets his sights on Lisa, getting her drinks and flirting. Lisa, killing it with the one-liners, interviews: “Jax has a better chance of becoming a Rhodes Scholar than making it with me.” Have I mentioned how stunning she looks at the wedding?
Vail, SURver and possible love interest of Jax, makes a brief appearance in a flesh-colored dress doing her no favors, only to make Carmen uncomfortable. I believe Vail is annoyed that Jax isn’t giving her any attention, so she flirts with Peter, knowing she’ll get the attention. “There’s only flirting. No coming.” Ugh, TMI.
Katie and Tom Schwartz (still dressed like he’s starring in Les Miz) seem to be having a great time. Until he gives her a ring on a necklace as a token of his love. Katie immediately starts crying about it. Because when she got a ring from Tom, she wanted it to be a real engagement ring? I don’t know; I’m tired of her kvetching about Tom not proposing to her. She either has to wait until he’s ready or (here’s a novel thought) propose to him herself. I’d like to note that Katie is wearing a one-piece jumpsuit to the wedding, but really pulling it off. It allowed her to frolic in the fountain with ease.
Tom Sandoval says something corny and cheesy about Ariana that I can barely repeat it, but here goes: “When I need to take a vacation, I just stare into Ariana’s eyes.” Or, he goes to San Diego and listens to Jax rail a girl in the bathroom all night.
I suppose it’s now time to discuss Kristen and James. James gets super blitzed at the reception, probably because he’s only been able to drink legally for a year. That, coupled with his building resentment for Kristen still obsessing over her ex, Tom Sandoval, is bad news. James unloads all his anger toward Kristen, and Kristen just leaves with another guy to avoid him. Unnamed other guy has a “stupid face and a stupid beard,” according to James.
James follows Kristen out to the parking lot, yelling, “You’re [sic] immangeable! You’re thirty-one. Who is ever going to want to marry you?” which is a low blow. He gets into her personal space, so she pops him in the eye, and I can’t say he doesn’t deserve it. Although it happened nowhere near Scheana’s precious wedding reception, she’s mad the next day about it.
Stassi, back in L.A. with new henchwoman Kristina, predictably hates on the wedding. She sees the crop-top wedding dress, saying it looks like a “skanky girl’s quinceañera.” Later, Kristina and Stassi sit alone in Stassi’s apartment, drinking and bitching about how they are so glad they are not at the wedding. Stassi whispers, “We sound pathetic.” Well. admitting it is the first step.
The gang wakes up the next day and Scheana marvels that she got married the night before. Uh, yeah, we’re very aware. She orders everyone to clean up after the reception. Katie, rightfully, complains that since Scheana went all-out on a wedding, why didn’t she spring for a cleanup crew? Well, why should she? That’s what bridal parties are for, right?
