Season 3 | Episode 17 | “Jax Cracks” | Aired Feb 22, 2015
Kristen’s trying to win the Pulitzer Prize for cheating journalism.” — Stassi
We all know Lisa Vanderpump has trapped us all in her alternate dimension, where she is the puppet master of these unsuspecting attractive people and manipulates their world for her own amusement. This, the penultimate episode of Vanderpump Rules, dear readers, has made me realize that she has now trapped us. We’re in a never-ending cycle of characters repeating behavior, forced to watch them make the same mistakes.
It’s like there’s some sort of code behind this, some M. Night Shyamalan ending, where we realize the trees are killing people — or, in this case, Kristen is really a ghost, haunting everyone else in the pursuit of this concept of “truth and honesty.” This is a concept she’ll haunt us with until her spirit is avenged.
“Make sure the pink table looks nice, ” Lisa instructs James, in a show that she’s still boss and he’s working for her. He folds napkins; she feigns interest in his life. He tells the tale of Kristen’s adventures as a pugilist. Lisa says to scram, but James cannot because he is bound by Kristen to a love more powerful than anything this world has ever seen.
James and Kristen make up at an empty restaurant. James stands up for himself when he tells Kristen he is tired of her obsessing about Tom Sandoval. Kristen exhibits her signature shoulder shrug/sad-smile combo, and James is appeased, for now.
The show devolves into a straight-to-video sequel of Inception as various people tell other people about things we already saw with our own eyes, and then retell them again. Peter relays the punch at the wedding, and I’m not talking about the kind that’s in a crystal bowl. Peter orders the chicken wrap. For Stassi, the tuna wrap. This means something about Stassi and Peter’s former bond. It must, because the show took the time to show them ordering these items. Stassi tells Peter that Kristen has been blowing up her phone asking to meet for breakfast. Oh, how fast the fallen rise up again.
What’s a ring, if it were put on a string? What does a string do to a ring? If it is placed on a string, can we really call it a ring? Let’s ask Katie, because she cannot shut her mouth about the ring on the string that Tom gave her and how it annoyed her. It’s as if if Tom Schwartz gave her a string hanging from a noose. Ironically, Katie seeks the metaphorical noose of marriage. Irony, thy name is this show.
She and the ring-on-a-string giver, Tom Schwartz, dine with Tom Sandoval, Ariana, and Jax the Conqueror. Jax describes Kristen’s erratic behavior, in which she somehow got kicked out of a strip club and fought the stripper. Once again, our friends spin some tales that have no sepia-toned flashback footage to back them up. Jax, learning that the day’s pleasantries do not involve him, dramatically reveals his secret: Tom Sandoval did, indeed, consummate with “Miami Girl,” otherwise known as Annemarie.
Did you know that there is a camera attached to the soda faucet, so we can learn about its point of view? We were only given mere seconds of that joy.
Stassi meets Kristen for breakfast in an empty restaurant. Stassi will have the egg salad sandwich and a spicy Bloody Mary. Kristen will have a tall cup of revenge, shaken, not stirred. Stassi, acting reluctant, but glad to be included in a storyline, advises Kristen to get Scheana to ask Jax about Miami Girl, because Scheana, now a married woman, possesses special powers of truth-forcing.
Meanwhile, Lance Bass and puppies run amok at Pump Bar. Kind of a metaphor for this show, right?
The meeting occurs, and Jax concedes to Scheana. Scheana doesn’t care, because Ariana doesn’t care about Tom Sandoval’s fling in Miami. Kristen insists this is not about breaking up Tom and Ariana; it is the search for the truth! And honesty! Her name must be cleared at all costs! Scheana smells crazy when she knows it, and grabs her betrothed and her comedienne friend, Rachel, to leave. Kristen implores them to back her up: “I’m sorry your best friend cheated with my ex-boyfriend!” But Scheana should have her back because … ?
Those who cannot make friends talk about other friends to gain relevancy. Those who cannot obtain relevancy befriend Jax. Tom Sandoval confronts Jax about telling his business to Kristen, and the wise prophet decrees that a real friendship requires trust and respect; otherwise it’s just going to be “fluff.” Jax sits silent, reflecting on his entire existence. It doesn’t take long.
What’s that? Words I’ve been waiting to hear for the last five weeks: “Next week, on the season finale …” I love this show with all my heart, but you know what they say: If you love something, you need to take a break from it so you will love it more when it returns.
