Season 3 | Episode 4 | “Jax Nose Best” | Aired Nov 24, 2014

In the latest installment of brawn versus beauty on Vanderpump Rules, Jax meets the Toms to get their eyebrows threaded. Tom Schwartz and Jax cackle about how weird it is. That’s not the weirdest thing happening. Jax is wearing capri pants, Tom and Tom are sneaking some alcohol into glasses in an alley, and Tom made T-shirts with a close-up photograph of Jax’s nose. If you didn’t know what it actually depicts, it would look obscene. Just Vanderpump Rules bros doin’ what bros do. Tom Sandoval drops some knowledge that kids will one day be studying in history books: “People put a lot of effort into their looks … and it shows. I put even more effort in so it doesn’t show.”

Stassi is still trying to convince us that she is over Sur. What better way to prove it than to stop by Sur for lunch? Ariana reports that she and Tom have been putting up shelves. Stassi gossips about Scheana and Kristen suddenly being best friends. So much, in fact, that they got matching tattoos. What is with these people and tattoos? She instructs Kristina to order her a Greek salad with a substitute of goat-cheese balls. Stassi says “goat-cheese balls” at least a hundred times. Ordering goat-cheese balls is Stassi’s bat signal when she needs attention, because soon afterward Katie pops in — she’d recognized the order.

Over at Pump, Michael, Pump’s manager (don’t worry about him, we’ll never see him again), tells Lisa that Tom Schwartz had a panic attack and walked off his shift. Lisa is obviously disgusted. I mean, she already forgave him 15 times for other screw-ups!

Katie arrives home to find Tom Schwartz in his jammies. He explains that he felt unprepared for such a huge crowd and freaked out. It’s all fun and games here, but I do feel for Tom. He seems distraught about it, and not necessarily lazy about having to work. Katie rubs it in and tells him “even Jax can do that job.” Katie turns into Carrie Bradshaw and freaks out about Tom’s lack of commitment and inability to be a parent and husband. Tom apologizes sincerely — is it possible there’s someone with appropriate human emotions on this show? Can you tell Tom Schwartz is my show crush?

Jax heads into his “deviated septum” surgery. He’s afraid he will have penises drawn on his face by his friends. Thankfully, the cameras stay on during the surgery. If you enjoy watching plastic surgeons pulling cartilage out of a bloody nose wound, you’re in for a treat! Jax wakes up loopy, and whether he’s playing it up or not, it’s the funniest he’s been. He worries he got a Jay Leno chin and tells the nurse he loves her. Her reaction: “Sure, okay.” Tom Schwartz cries a little.

Katie and Stassi go to nosh and kibitz. Stassi is just so relieved that her boyfriend has, like, an actual career. (To fund her lifestyle of statement necklaces and goat-cheese balls?)

Tom Schwartz drives Jax home and nurses him back to health. I’d like to note that Jax only has a full-size bed. There’s a knock at the door and it’s “I’m not just your manager, I’m a cool manager!” Peter and … Lisa. Tom pees himself a little. Lisa takes delight in seeing Jax vulnerable and in pain. “I’m not sure I understand these young American men,” muses Lisa. “They’ve both got eyebrows like Greta Garbo.”

Tom continues to lament his quitting Pump. Jax tells him, “You didn’t walk out of Morgan Stanley. You quit a bartending job.” We’re all in agreement that Jax bandaged and on painkillers is the best Jax, correct? Tom Sandoval and Scheana stop by to revel in the schadenfreude. Scheana, surprisingly, is wearing almost no makeup and she’s never looked prettier. Maybe she took Tom Sandoval’s advice.

Did you know that Lisa and her husband, Ken, were chummy with Lance Bass and his boyfriend? Well, we know now because there’s an unnecessary scene where we see them having dinner together and Lisa fawns all over him. Outside, James nervously comes back through the back alley. He looks like he’s 16. Peter takes pity and asks Lisa what he should do. Lisa, tipsy on wine and the effervescent presence of Lance Bass, says, “Sure, someone needs to wash the dishes.” Peter tells him the good news, and Katie wonders why her man isn’t groveling at Lisa’s feet.

The gang, in their separate factions, head to a party put on by Us Weekly. It’s exactly what you’d imagine it would be like. Cushioned couches, monotonous club music, and vapid people. There’s Team Stassi, which includes Tom Schwartz, Manager Peter, Katie, and server Kristina. Team Scheana arrives (Tom Sandoval, Ariana, James, and Kristen). They spend most of the time drinking sugary cocktails and talking crap about the other group. Scheana decides to approach Team Stassi with a vodka bottle bigger than her whole body as a peace offering, but Stassi’s not having it. She tries to explain to Scheana that bring friends with Kristen does not make her a loyal friend.

“I’m glad Stassi doesn’t work at Sur anymore. She has more time to focus on her new career — being a cult leader,” says Scheana. She has a point. I am fascinated how Stassi is always able to position herself as the alpha, even after being away for six months. It’s like a superpower.

Other things that happen:

• Lisa buys a new Rolls-Royce.
• Lisa gives James his job back.
• Lisa doesn’t give Tom Schwartz his job back.

I’m still trying to figure out the Vanderpump rules and how they are enforced.