Season 3 | Episode 6 | “Kiss and Tell” | Aired Dec 8, 2014

If you have been following Vanderpump Rules as loyally as I have, you’ll realize that each season focuses on the downfall of one of the power couples. Season 1 demolished Jax and Stassi; season 2 was the Tom Sandoval-Kristen-Ariana triangle of never-ending deception. It seems this season Tom Schwartz and Katie’s relationship is the next to go down in flames on national television. Who will it be in season 4? Lisa and Giggy? (“Oh God, yes, please. Help me!” — Giggy)

This week was filled with crying, lying, dying (as in, my faith in true love), and guy-ing (okay, that was a stretch.).

This crew doesn’t seem to understand that tattoos are permanent. We all know how Jax will get a girl’s name branded on him after the first date, and Scheana and Kristen have matching treble clefs (because they “like music”). Now we find that Kristen and Katie also have matching “Let It Be” tattoos, signifying that they are totally chill and always let things go.

Jax sees himself as John Coffey in The Green Mile. In therapy, he explains that the movie came on and he just lost it. Here was John, just an angel sent to Earth to help this woman, but no one understands him. “You really connected to that,” his therapist is able to say with a straight face.

Kristen must have watched a lot of reality shows, because she calls for a “big meeting.” You know, the kind where she gets professionally styled to meet someone at a restaurant for a big talk. Meanwhile, the producers make sure Stassi comes later, so they can get some shots of Kristen waiting uncomfortably. I think she’s never looked better. Also, these are the faces she makes.

Her big news? She wants to tell Stassi that she heard from Jax and Scheana that Tom Schwartz slept with Jax’s girlfriend’s best friend in Vegas and made out with one of Scheana’s friends. Her motivation? Everyone exiled her for cheating, and now everyone else is doing it. She’s coming to Stassi because Stassi is like the Godfather of the group, I suppose.

Also, how did Stassi find a time machine and steal my outfit from the first day of ninth grade?

The special at Sur today is Chilean sea bass. Just a reminder that there’s an actually functioning restaurant in the show.

For bartenders, being asked to “pass trays” is pretty much worse than killing their grandmother. “It’s so demeaning!” whines Tom Sandoval, when he, Schwartz, and Jax are asked to do so at a special event at Pump bar. The event? A 50 Gay Mayors celebration where, you guessed it, 50 gay mayors from around the globe will pay tribute to Lisa Vanderpump, self-appointed queen of gay men. Jax is spilling drinks everywhere, but don’t blame him, blame the fact that Pump does not have any shirts that fit him.

Lisa also practices for her standup comedy set: “Who would have thought 10 years ago we’d have 50 mayors? Now they’ll all come together in my restaurant. Not literally.”

Tom Schwartz drives a Mini Cooper. Of course he does — he needs a car that is adorable as he is.

Jax really has it out for Katie. He gossips up a storm around Sur, but when Katie and Tom Schwartz want to talk to him, he has a full-blown temper tantrum. He and Katie resort to screaming “I hate you!” and “I hate you more!” I mean, so much like John Coffey would have done.

Did Jax really get a nose job? Can anyone else tell?

Wait … what is this now? Tom Schwartz admits to making out with another girl while he and Katie are together? Okay, it was after a big fight, didn’t mean anything …

Oh no, Schwartz goes over to Jax’s to find out what he told Katie about him — and he doesn’t exactly deny sleeping with the girl in Vegas. Well, faithful readers, I’m sorry to report that these recaps are no longer sponsored by my crush on Tom Schwartz. Especially after Schwartz decides not to hold anything against Jax, because, as he puts it, “There’s a word for a guy who stays mad at another guy — it’s called a girl.”

I really can’t help feel bad for Katie, as her boyfriend continues to associate with people who are horrible to her and doesn’t seem to mind that they make her upset. Or, as Stassi puts it, “Jax should probably be stoned to death.