Season 4 | Episode 12 | “Leis, Liquor and Lies” | Aired Jan 18, 2016
My apologies for not recapping Vanderpump Rules last week. There wasn’t much to say; the whole show was like foreplay for this week’s trip to Waikiki for Jax and Tom’s super-special boys’ birthday party. Can this group celebrate anything without a plane ticket and bottle service? Other highlights: We saw Jax on the toilet, and he finally let James come on the trip, along with Lala and Faith, the waitress whose main characteristics are that she dyes her hair silver and she enjoys getting naked with Lala. Faith is the new Vail (callback!).
The gang has a beautiful trip to the islands. They explore some historic volcanic sites, learn about the local culture, and have a really great dinner just enjoying each other’s company. They talk and laugh into the night, and lament how their actions have changed now that they are in their thirties. Tom and Jax go to bed with their beautiful girlfriends and dream about what an amazing birthday they had and thank the higher power for blessing them with a life full of love and friendship.
Except what happens is the opposite of all that.
One reason this show has gone for four seasons (and counting) is that this gang knows how to make good television. I am sure some situations are set up by producers, but they cannot help but lie and sell out their friends, all while looking amazing and making their lives look amazing. Case in point: that damn Tom and Katie.
Speaking of Katie and our li’l cutie Tom Schwartz, they are in a good place, goofy in love. Tom shows Katie the “Justin Bieber” he did on the balcony, which is just taking pictures of his bare ass. At this point, I’ve sen Tom Schwartz’s bare ass more than I’ve seen my own. Tom, once again, with no prompting, tells us that he and Katie are not currently having sex because they are waiting for the wedding, so they can save up and “splurge on each other.” Not a good choice of words. Goddamn, Tom Schwartz is adorable. He was created in a factory by scientists. And he can’t stop talking about how he accidentally saw Lala and Faith’s boobs. Dude, we get it.
Jax is a damn good liar. Or at least he is steadfast in his lies. It’s a good thing he was never on that show with Tim Roth where he could suss out liars. (That was a thing, right?) At the bar he (allegedly) assures Lala, “Don’t worry, I’m going to f-ck you.” Oh, we weren’t worried, Jax. Lala, because she’s actually a person on this show with some integrity, tells Brittany about it.
Side note: cCan someone make a supercut of both Brittany and Tom Sandoval running a hand through their hair? It would be three hours long.
Jax denies he said that to Lala in the same way he denied sleeping with Kristen last season. By just saying, “I didn’t. Never happened,” over and over. Oh, Brittany, I feel for you, as you are probably seeing this at the same time that we are and fielding lots of texts saying, “I told you so.” Speaking of Jax, he is not getting the attention he wants, so get gets quiet until someone BEGS him to say what’s wrong and then he says, “Well, I just think that SOME people should be here and SOME should not.” Then he goes to pout in the corner and play with his toy trucks and not let anyone share them. Jax is gross.
I can’t believe I’m going to drag out my gender studies degree for this (I told you, Mom, it wasn’t a useless major) … but there are some serious double standards going on with Lala. She admits she was flirting and did take out her (pretty fantastic) boobs in front of guys with girlfriends and fiancés, but she was not doing this in isolation. As she notes, she’s just around women who don’t trust their boyfriends and (and fiancés) and gets blamed for it.
I don’t exactly have my violin out and playing for Lala, but she does seem to be the one on the show with some sort of sense of herself, intelligence, and a no-bullsh-t meter. Same for Ariana, who claims to say what she feels when she feels it, and gets labeled “irritated” and “holier than thou.” Sure, they don’t have to hang out with these people, but it seems that Scheana’s reign as queen bee is one that makes everyone conform to her stance on no one fighting, even if they should. The women who dare to cross her get punished for it. She covers for Jax’s lie, and she got caught texting Ariana’s mother about how Ariana and Tom Sandoval are stupid jerkfaces. Or whatever she called them. “The truth hurts. Get over it,” was her response.
Scheana may be reality television’s answer to Machiavelli. And she’s really damn good at it.
Good news: Giggy is still alive, but being forced to wear a suit and tie to brunch with Ken.
Next week: Jax is arrested! The return of Stassi! I’ll have to get through my unglamorous week of working for a living and not taking vacations to see it. Although I do plan on getting topless at a waterfall and making sure Tom Schwartz sees me.
