Season 4 | Episode 13 | “Booze, Booties, and Bail” | Aired Jan 25, 2016

The Vanderpump Rules District Court is in session. Our first case:

Sunglass Store v. Jax.

Defense’s closing statement: Jax was just really drunk, I guess. He saw the sunglasses and he thought, “Hey, I want those,” then took them. Crazy, right?

Women with boyfriends and fiancés v. Lala’s thong bikini.

Defense’s closing statement: Lala is hot. She wants to look hot. No one should care. The boyfriends looking at her also have free will. This distress has caused Lala to appear on camera without makeup (in which she still looks hot, damn it) and cry for her mommy. For protection, Lala will wear the world’s largest earrings.

Scheana v. Stassi.

Can any lawyers inform us if one can sue someone else for taking over as alpha of the squad? Apparently, Scheana showed people a video of a “solo” performance by Stassi. Stassi wants Katie and Kristen back in her corner, because she has broken up with Patrick, the unseen boyfriend. (Please let the record show that Stassi also looks fantastic.)

Kristen v. her new boyfriend.

Does this new guy, an old friend of Jax’s, have a live-in girlfriend? This will end in a hung jury, because no one cares about Kristen’s dating life.

Never forget:

The ability to “perform” v. James Kennedy.

Defense’s closing arguments: “So I was, like, totally drunk. What do you want me to say? I mean, Lala’s hot, and by coming on this trip, I think she owes it to me to sleep with me.”

Tom Sandoval v. Scheana.

Defense’s closing argument: “I’ll just suck it up and apologize for telling Ariana’s mother that Tom Sandoval is an egotistical manipulator (not like I even know what that means!) because I don’t want to do anything that will ruin my status as the alpha as this pack of wolves. And let the record show that those eyeglasses were on fleek, and not large and comical. I got them at the same store where Lala got her earrings.”

Lack of fiancée sex v. Tom Sandoval.

Defense’s closing statement: “So it’s been eight days since I asked Katie to marry me. Why am I having this dry spell? I mean, LOOK at me. I’m Tom Schwartz — literally the most adorable male model in the world. Look at my purposely floppy hair and puppy-dog face.”

Common sense v. Brittany.

Defense’s closing statements: “I love Jax and he loves me. Despite everyone telling me what a liar and cheater he is, I will only confront it when it is happening right under my nose. Besides, being the girl who gets upset is not what Jax likes, so I’ll play the ‘cool girl’ for now, who appears okay with him cheating. I even find it funny! Hahaha! And, if you get a time machine and go into the future, you can see from his Instagram that we are still together! Wait, what? Now he got arrested? Uh, I really do love him, I really do. He is worth my life savings to bail him out of jail.”

The State of Honolulu v. the Vanderpump Rules gang.

Closing statements: What? There’s no conflict here. I am super-stoked that the gang came and stayed at a luxury hotel and had dinner and endless drinks, all on the production company’s dime. More money in our pocket. Now, only if we could get another Real World season to happen here.

Warning: I do not actually practice law, so I don’t know if these would be actual cases. Not even sure I am using the right nomenclature. Is is “v.” or “vs.”? Does it even matter?

Late-breaking news! More evidence has been found:

• Lisa has a large pink flamingo pool float that she lays on when she’s stressed. I would be stressed too, if I let my flesh-and-blood son hang out with the Scooby gang.
• Beer bongs were used, and it is the law to recognize them as the most obnoxious drinking mechanism.
• Even Jax can’t help squeeing about how cute Tom Schwartz is.