Season 4 | Episode 16 | “Bitch Ghost” | Aired Feb 15, 2016
Wouldn’t you know, Vanderpump Rules is at a high again. Just when it started to get away from what was so great about it, it remembers its roots and comes right back. Stassi is back. Jax being complete garbage is back. The Toms’ love affair has been rekindled.
Lala, who is now living in Stassi’s old bedroom (what?), has a housewarming party and invites only people who have been contracted to appear on camera. Stassi is there, and her ponytail looks amazing. I think that Stassi’s superpowers are in her hair extensions. She got unwatchable when her hair was shoulder-length. Speaking of hair, the nervous hair fixing was out of control, between Scheana and Tom Sandoval. I’m still waiting for someone to do a super cut.
Tom Sandoval isn’t buying Stassi’s apologies, but Scheana is. Scheana assures Stassi that she never sold her “sex tape” to anyone. Stassi stops herself from flying off the handle and accepts the apology very calmly. See? Even Stassi has me back on her side. Side note: I could not care less about any “celebrity sex tape” than I do about Stassi’s. And I’ve seen just about every celebrity sex tape. Surprisingly, none of them are good.
Scheana and Stassi are cool. They are so cool that their pic made it to Scheana’s Instagram feed. Ariana and Scheana are cool. Everything’s cool.
But nothing is cooler than Tom Sandoval’s new band named Charles McMansion and their future hit single “Touch in Public.” Tom is like, just so busy meeting with producers and directors that maybe he’s overextending himself. Jax gets annoyed hearing about Tom’s band because it takes time away from talking about Jax.
Tom Schwartz decides to quit the Sangria-promotion business before he even starts. Lisa calls him a “big bloody wussy pussy.” Tom turns up the charm with his messy hair and troubled facial expressions, but Lisa’s not buying it.
Kristen is dating a guy that looks like baby Jason Mantzoukas and brings him to Kyle Chan’s marriage equality party at PUMP, as one does. Ariana bitchily points out that once again, Kristen is bringing a new boyfriend to a party where her volatile ex-boyfriend (James “Mummy’s Boy” Kennedy) is DJing, at an establishment owned by her ex-boss (who hates her). Speaking of James, he has realized that he’s been really disrespectful to Lisa considering that she’s has given him so many opportunities. Wait, who are these people? What’s with all this personal growth?
Katie, whose eyebrows are on fleek (is that what they’re saying these days?) lays into Tom about quitting yet another job. Tom makes the mistake of telling Katie that she was never really a model/actor like he is, and although I’m enjoying this side of Tom Schwartz, that was harsh.
Back at Scheana and Shay’s house, plastered with life-size wedding photos, we learn that Jax is buying Brittany a boob job. Hey, Jax is paying, so Jax decides what kind of boobs Brittany gets! That sounds like an emerging fifth wave of feminism.
Jax, very obviously under the influence of something, lays into Tom Schwartz about letting Stassi get into his head, calling Schwartz “the weak link.” But then Tom Schwartz uses the word “extrapolating,” and uses it correctly, so points for him. And now we’ve come to the end of the fun stuff, because Jax suddenly becomes terrifying.
Tom Sandoval tells Jax to lay off Tom and just be his friend. Jax tells Tom Sandoval to “stop trying to be the top guy in this group. I’m the №1 guy.” Jax looks at Tom with such venom that I’m pretty sure he’s the devil incarnate about to unleash a tsunami of chaos on earth. Just another day in the life of the Vanderpumpers!
Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8c on Bravo.
