Season 4 | Episode 7 | “Spit Take” | Aired Dec 14, 2015

The first rule of the Vanderpump Rules, thinks James to himself as he wipes down the table, making it shine so he could see the cleft in his chin, is to stay strong. Show no weakness. No matter what.

James takes his square metal thingy which his laptop sat upon where he would press play and make people dance. Without this, where would I be? he thinks. He’d probably serving Grand Slam breakfasts at Denny’s, not at a Sexy Unique Restaurant. James thinks of his sexy unique times with Lala and Lauren, which made him feel better, until he sees his mother walk in.

Mummy! cried five-year-old James. His Mummy — the former fashion model who wooed his father in a cafe while she was in town for an assignment and he was fetching the “Choose Life” shirt for Wham’s new video.

Mummy, of course, looks beautiful as always, and he is glad that the waitress comments that she could be his sister. He is surprised that that only happened once. Mummy ruffles his hair and tells him he deserves the best and she is so proud of him. Why was she the only one to understand that? James keeps his cool until Mummy reminds him that all relationships fail at some point. She was talking about her and his father. They were getting a divorce. How could they? Wasn’t his boyish looks and charm enough to keep them together? What did he do wrong? Did he not DJ enough? Did he not own enough tank tops?

No one will understand what is going on with him. No one in the history of ever. Not Jax, who tries to make him jealous by letting it slip that he was hanging out with Kristen earlier and getting drinks with Lala later. Not Kristen, who is mean to him when he picks up his stuff from her place. “You’ll get drunk, lose your job and your friends!” she screams at him. How dare she question the life of me, he rages. Mummy says I’m bloody perfect. But James knows how to throw his own poison. “You’re never getting married and you smell!” he screams back, mentally high-fiving himself for the sick burn. He has a lot of phlegm from crying all day, so he had to get rid of some. Had to get rid of some on Kristen’s front door. What was the big deal? It wasn’t her real front door, it was the front door of the staged apartment the show used for Kristen’s so-called apartment.

James begrudgingly goes into work the next day, because there was this sweet pair of plastic sunglasses he needed $850 to buy. That’s like busing 400 tables. Lisa holds a meeting with the staff telling them she is hosting a dinner for homeless youth and they’d all better behave. James understands. Fighting to make it on the streets … he’d been there. He’d been there several times, when he was kicked out of nightclubs or couldn’t download the Uber app. Sure, these kids are homeless, but did they have parents who divorced? No. No one knows my pain.

Lisa tells James to wash that crybaby look off his face. “You’re very privileged, you know,” she tells him. “Yes, I know,” he replies. But he didn’t want to burden everyone with his parents’ divorce. He was just that nice of a person.

James diligently buses tables while the group from Covenant House dine on Sur’s finest dishes. He assumes goat cheese balls were involved, because that was Sur’s specialty. Wow, these people are just like us! James thinks. Just trying to live through this hell that is Los Angeles! James listens as Lisa berates them with such sensitive questions like, “Do you live on the street right now?” and, “How do you go to the bathroom?”

Jame’s reverie shatters when Jax confronts him about spitting on a girl. What? This? Why now? Doesn’t Jax know about his problems? Why upset him now? They yell back and forth until Lisa yells at him: “Yelling at my restaurant is the last thing you’ll ever do.” Oh no, the tears, thinks James, feeling himself getting emotional. Lisa is kind enough to give him five minutes to suck on a baby bottle, er, cigarette to feel better. I‘m not on a downward spiral, thinks James. I’ll prove Jax wrong. I’ll prove everyone wrong! he thinks triumphantly. I’m 23. I have my whole life ahead of me! What is Jax, like, 58? He doesn’t know what I am capable of.

Inside the restaurant, Lisa shakes her head in disgust. I guess it’s my fault, she thinks. I want to strangle their necks most of the time, and they are always pains in the arses, but they’re my pains in the arses, so what are you going to do? She throws her hands in the air, breezily walking back where her annual quota for diversity for the year is all at one table. “All right,” she tells the group.”Who wants to hear what all of us learned about ourselves from your misfortunes?”\

It could have been worse, Lisa muses. They could have had to watch the Toms make complete fools of themselves in front of Pandora and Jason, prattling on about how they want to work for free and be brand ambassadors. At least Schwartzy is adorable when he is awkward. But does he fit the image of Lisa Vanderpump Sangria? she wonders. I’ll talk it over with Ken while he washes my feet tonight.