Season 4 | Episode 8 | “Dirty Thirty” | Aired Dec 21, 2015
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times at Vanderpump Rules. It was the age of Jax impregnating girls in Las Vegas, it was the age of Kristen’s foolishness over James, it was the epoch of the Tom’s belief that they were indeed shrewd businessmen, it was the epoch of incredulity at Tom for not locking down Katie with a proposal, it was the season of SUR, it was the season of breakups, it was the spring of hope for goat-cheese balls, it was the winter of despair over Scheana’s marriage.
We had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going directly to PUMP bar, we were all going directly the other way. In short, season four was so much like season one when Stassi and Jax were together that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
I. The Unicorn Princess Party
Ariana is 30. So old! How can she handle it? Does she have a decaying portrait in her attic like the other SURvers? How does one react? By throwing herself a unicorn princess party in the suburbs. The ego demon of Scheana must have overtaken her, because this is a total Scheana move. There’s a bouncy house. Balloon animals. Crying. You know, the usual. Ariana misses her dad, who died two years ago, and is it too much to ask to have her boyfriend, Tom Sandoval, be with her through this sad time? No, he wants to go to Vegas for Peter’s birthday the next day.
The Soup ended just a week too early, because this surely would have been the clip of the week. Ariana, crying and pouring her heart out to Tom, tell him she really needs him. Tom replies: “I’m always going to be there for you … but I just heard that there’s this place where we can play with bulldozers.” Sandoval has great comedic timing, among many (okay, few) talents. Ariana: “Whatever.” To rub margarita salt in her wounds, since the guys are away for the weekend, Ariana has to work at SUR all weekend.
II. The Vegas “Just Us Boys” Party
And thus this episode becomes the gayest episode ever to be put forth by the Rules of Vanderpump. Gayer than the pride parade. Gayer than when the Toms dressed up as gay roller skaters. After the guys do each other’s hair and pick out each other’s clothes (Sandoval makes Schwartz wear a T-shirt from the adult OshKosh B’Gosh collection), the guys hang out in Vegas, dancing and drinking. Jax has a tantrum because he is not going to have sex (and the ladies of Vegas collectively sigh from relief). They do have a blast showing each other (and us) their bare asses, and trying to shove their bare asses into each other’s faces. Li’l Tom Schwartz always seems to be the target of such advances, but can you blame him?
III. The Makeout Slumber Party
Back at Scheana’s revenge slumber party, the gals have the most boring conversation about sex. Ariana hates receiving oral sex because she doesn’t know what to do with her hands. The gals feel bad because Lala wasn’t invited to the special unicorn party, so they call her at the last minute to come over. Wouldn’t you know it — Lala is braless and ready to party. They decide all too quickly to make out with each other and send pics to the boys. Scheana pushes everyone out of the way to make out with Katie, and Lala is game, as well as new SURver Faith.
Not to be outdone, the boys send pics of them kissing each other, and I swear, when the two Toms kissed, a portal to another dimension opened up in my living room.
This is the type of Vanderpump Rules episode I love the best: Everyone is just being ridiculous and having fun, and being aware of their own ridiculousness. Reality TV is so much better when people actually like each other than when they’re fighting. Oh god, I’ve grown to LIKE these people. Who am I?
But alas, they couldn’t leave with a happy ending. “You know what is better than not trying to f–k girls?” asks Sandoval. “Trying to f–k girls” so they interrupt their mooning each other to go back downstairs. Here we go again.
