I was old until my late 30’s.

I was trying to do everything right, and had internalized the idea that I shouldn’t wear a t-shirt in public. I was reading popular men’s blogs at the time which said, in one way or another, to grow up, to man up. As a result, I was a very serious person with a largely unexamined life. My closet looked like it was a personal LL Bean, and I was in the middle of the longest depressive episode I’ve even been through, but my shoes matched my belt, so at least I had that going for me.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was an attempt to minimize chaos, because my life was filled with unprocessed trauma, and I was deeply unhappy with my life. Despite what fascists proclaim, the solution to chaos isn’t order. It doesn’t always work that way, and it certainly didn’t for me.

I’ve aged since then, but I’ve also had healthy relationships, and done a lot of therapeutic work, both independently and under the care of licensed therapists. I have confronted trauma, healed, learned, and grew. I’m still doing this, and will be for the rest of my life. It’s not easy-some days I don’t want to get out of bed-but most days I am able to do the things I must.

I’m still me. I still have PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, and chronic pain, but I feel much younger. I am able to find wonder, to be excited about being alive. I’ve learned to take myself less seriously and love and value myself. Although I’d never want to re-experience the harm I’ve endured, I am grateful for the way I’ve come out of it. There’s no secret-I don’t have a seminar to sell you, no One Weird Trick. Just consistently doing self care, doing therapy, talking to people, and trying to do better.