Stumbling into suppressed memories

I can think of several times when conversation uncovered an old memory, which feels to me like a bubble popping and releasing a scent, more often than not, a stench. It’s usually traumatic memories, which can lead to a realization that hey-I have work to do in this area.

This happened to me during therapy earlier this week. I’d been asking about shadow work, and my therapist asked why I was interested in pursuing this route; specifically, what time and place is jumping out at me as a place where I needed love. Talking this out unraveled a bit of resentment and revelation-bullying started to be intense for me in 2nd or 3rd grade. My undiagnosed (Until I was 39!) ADHD presented as “weird” to my peers, and I had some other stuff going on.

I zeroed in on a specific traumatic situation at home that I didn’t realize had been so impactful to me, and I can think of my childhood having periods before and afterward, a BC/AD situation. I’ve been carrying this around for over 30 years, unaware of the shift it provoked. I’m going to have to write about this incident later, after I’ve done the work of untangling and processing it.

It’s not doom and gloom, though. I am not a timebomb of trauma (at least, it doesn’t feel like it anymore), waiting to explode and ruin everything. I have had some light shone upon an area which needs care and attention. I will develop new skills and access resources to do so. It will be difficult and unpleasant, but it’s worth it.