Signs of the Times

JD Vance Unveils New Glow Up

Attempt to expand appeal of GOP ticket

Stung by criticism that he adds nothing to the MAGA coalition of White Evangelicals/Hillbillies and Libertarian Tech/Fin Bros, GOP Vice-Presidential nominee and junior US Senator from Ohio JD Vance unveiled a new look, designed to cross the aisle and appeal to a younger, more gender-fluid cohort.

Commenting on Fox News where he showed off the new glow up, Vance said:

“I’m a straight, white, Christian man. I’ve proven my masculinity by fathering three children. I’ve been open and honest about how I was conflicted over my sexuality and gender in the past, in my youth.

As you know, I am also a fan of makeup. President Trump has admired how eye liner makes my beautiful blue eyes pop, and so it was only a natural next step to have my brows done, and to trim my macho lumberjack beard into a more youthful Balbo-D’Artagnan.

I do also have great follicles, so adding a bit of product for shaping, with a tight buzz on the sides helps elongate my otherwise moon face. My stylist Gonzalo suggested the balayage, just to keep the overall effect bright and modern.

And, yes, I’ve had a bit of Botox … just the forehead and eyes … and a derma peel for glow. Gonzo also turned me on to this great organic moisturizing combo serum and foundation, just because I’m on camera almost all day long, dawn to dusk.

The finishing touch was adding some brown contact lenses to dial down my whiteness and broaden the appeal of our ticket to the biracial and darker voting blocs.”

GOP Presidential nominee Donald J. Trump has yet to comment.

The Harris-Walz campaign issued a simple statement, complimenting Vance on his new look:

“As the party that embraces diversity and stands against the malign creep of toxic masculinity in our culture, we’re happy to see Senator Vance embracing his feminine side. Brown is an especially flattering color on him.”

Disclaimer: This is satire.