Lost Between Self-Compassion and Complacency
How I found balance
I have found myself ricocheting between self-compassion and complacency. It’s as if my mind is a tennis ball in a match between two world-class athletes. Launched from one side to the other with no indication of slowing down.
On one side there is the need for self-compassion. The understanding that with uncertainty and unprecedented times, I need to be kind to myself. I need to be patient and acknowledge that the worry, fear, and at times anger is a natural and normal response. That with this experience I might not produce my best work, that there might be days that the to-do list does not get done, or the day flies by and I have absolutely nothing to show for it.
On the other side, there is the dread of becoming complacent. I fear that if I allow “too much” self-compassion that I’m missing an opportunity or that there may be long-term consequences. That I might become forever lazy or satisfied with my lack of productivity.
I can’t shake this feeling that I need to be productive, that I have to utilize every free moment I have to get a little bit better. I believe in good habits, performance improvement, and how the mind influences it all. I write about it and do my best to live by it. Since I have more time than usual this is the time to double down on that, right?
Is it a Lack of Discipline?
I have friends and colleagues who have explicitly shared on social media the message that “If you don’t come out of this self-isolation bettering yourself on the other side then it’s not that you lack time, you lack discipline.”
I had a lot of reactions to this type of message. I understand the purpose, it’s supposed to be a kick in the pants to get you moving down the road of self-improvement. However, I believe it’s missing the larger picture.
Right now, there are much bigger things to worry about than my individual performance. There are basic needs that need to be met before working on the finer details of life. Consider Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I cannot progress to the higher levels of accomplishment and achieve my potential without a solid foundation.
At the foundation, I need to make sure that I have access to basic needs. While this might seem extreme, millions of Americans are filing for unemployment and seeking out food from food banks. Meaning that their stability, safety, and access to food can be considered questionable. I am not in a position to tell others that they lack discipline for not bettering themselves when there are bigger issues to worry about.
Self-compassion is crucial.
If you’re not reaching the level of performance or productivity you expect, it may be because there are other needs that need to be addressed first.
And even if your needs are met, there is still a need for self-compassion. There is an incredible number of top performers who run into burnout and performance decline because they believe they need to beat themselves up to get better. There is an inability to take the time to be kind to themselves. To allow themselves to tune into their emotional, mental, and physical experience and say “it’s okay.” Just like in working out or sport, rest and recovery are part of the process of becoming stronger.
However, with most things, there is a balance. Too much self-compassion may lead to stagnant performance. Never getting any better and perhaps getting worse.
The Truth
I have my basic needs met. Therefore, the way I see it, I have three options on how the rest of my stay-at-home order can go. I can get worse, stay the same, or get better.
First, I can lose all momentum, forget all about the good habits I’ve been building, and take a couple of steps backward.
Second, I can work to maintain the level I’m at, finding ways to keep things afloat.
Lastly, I can muster up the effort and creativity to continue to get a little bit better each day.
How I’m Finding Balance
I have made the commitment to myself to at the very least stay the same. If I take one step back, I’m making sure I’m taking at least one step forward the next day. But what does this look like practically?
Before the stay at home order, I was working on creating online content regularly, staying in shape, and continuing to learn for personal and professional development. Therefore, in order to stay the same, I have committed to writing down my weekly and daily goals. Each Sunday, I have been outlining my week. I have committed to doing a home workout 5 times a week, creating at least one thing, and learning at least one thing every single day.
I know this is a low bar, but that is intentional.
I have woken up many days during this quarantine with little to no motivation. I need a small win to prevent the negative thought and feeling patterns of my day “being a waste.” In order to feel like I’ve made a contribution, I can create a post for social media, spend some time writing, or record a new video. To satisfy the feeling of self-improvement, I read here on Medium, watch educational content, or take one of the hundreds of free online courses and webinars available right now.
If I can, I don’t stop there.
What often happens after starting one of these endeavors, is that my motivation snowballs. I gain momentum to keep going, doing much more than just a single task. I’m able to be a productive person I want myself to be. However, if the motivation doesn’t pick up steam it's all right since I’ve met my desire and goal of creating and learning.
I have found it to be incredibility helpful to find the balance between feeling complacent and self-compassion by setting my expectations to allow for maintenance during this turbulent time. For me it meant outlining goals that are slightly below what I might normally set for myself.
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