Part One: The Anatomy of an NBA Conspiracy Theory
(in part 2: which NBA conspiracy theory is the most essential conspiracy theory?) (Written as an extension to Shea Serrano’s “BAOT”)
The footnotes are important, so I suggest strongly that you read them.
There’s this scene in Season 4, Episode 1 of the Office that involves Michael Scott (the office boss), and his subordinates. Over the course of the day three bad things happen. Michael is responsible for the worst of these three bad things (on his way to work, he hits coworker Meredith with his car). To equivocate his own wrongdoings to the other minor issues, Michael jumps in to claim the office is cursed. He says that as the boss, it is up to him to get rid of the curse. He then follows that up with a perfectly quotable line, where he says “I’m not superstitious… but I’m a little stitious.”
And that’s kind of how I feel NBA conspiracies work.
The NBA is the best league on the planet. It is better than Major League Baseball, and is also better than the National Football League, and is also better than the (now defunct) League of Nations. The NBA is the best league for many reasons, and as a result of it being the best league, the fans are the best. But the NBA has reached a point where it has drawn so many fans, a percentage that lived on the fringes of reality have come to dominate conversation. And here is where we get conspiracy theories.
There are many different conspiracy theories. There are theories that are penned by fans about the NBA (like those who believe that the draft lottery is rigged, so that large market teams get higher picks). Here are theories penned by NBA players, some(many)(actually way too many) of whom believe that our world is flat.
Here is how this chapter is going to go. First, I’m going to break down the key components of NBA conspiracy theories. These are the things that add nuance to theories: things like character quality or actuality. The next part of this chapter will be deciding which conspiracy theory, according to our ranking system, is the best one. And then I’ll reverse-reverse-engineer it, so that you can see the singular most important part about a theory.
So what makes a perfect conspiracy theory?
That’s the thing: there is no “perfect” conspiracy theory, in the same way there is no perfect basketball player or team. No one will ever be perfect in every facet of their existence. Naturally, some categories may have a dichotomy with one another.
Like what?
There’s this idea floating around, that essentially states that if a player starts dating a Kardashian, they will become cursed. While this would score very well in the humor category (because it’s funny to imagine Khloe Kardashian magically taking away Tristan Thompson’s (already questionable) talent) it also must score lower in the reality category, because Khloe Kardashian can’t do that.
What is the maximum score a conspiracy theory can get?
Hypothetically, a conspiracy theory can score up to 100 points, but no theory will score 100 points. Just as Wilt Chamberlain never scored 100 points (Inside Hoops).
What are you talking about? Wilt Chamberlain is the only player in NBA history to score 100 points.
Oh, you believe that story? So you must also believe all the other stories he perpetuated, like how he slept with 20,000 women in his NBA career? Or like how he killed a mountain lion with his bare hands?
What?
What I’m trying to get at is that in this chapter, you can’t trust everything you read.
So what you’re saying is that this is untrustworthy information, and I should read a different chapter.
You’re missing the point. Everything presented in this chapter is a question, sprouted by the even larger question of this chapter. You’re supposed to doubt the things in this chapter that seem untrue, as well as some of the things that seem true. My goal is to inundate you with all the information I have available, and your job is whatever you want it to be.
That sounds really fake deep.
…
Okay, so here is a question. What are these conspiracy theory components you were referring to?
Okay, I can give you an answer to this. These are the following categories by which we will grade the theories.
- Characters involved: 20 points
- Societal impact on the NBA (crucial moment factor): 15 points
- Poo theory: 15 points
- Fan knowledge of theory: 10 points
- Cultural awareness: 10 points
- By a player (5 points), by fans (5 points), or by both (10 total points)
- Is it facts?: 20 points
Hold on, hold on. I have to stop you. What the hell is the poo factor?
I’ll actually go and explain each category.
Category One: Characters Involved
NBA stars, maybe more than any other athletes, are idolized by fanbases for their superhuman athletic abilities. Due to the structure and popularity of the NBA, the players are also the most accessible and real to us. Thus, fans have created a self-fulfilling prophecy. We want to humanize the very players we’re responsible for putting on a pedestal. And so we create theories. For a theory to score highly in category one, it needs character(s) who are either incredibly talented, incredibly amusing, or incredibly, both. (1)
Category Two: Crucial Moment Factor
This explores how much societal impact a theory had on the NBA on its era. This is crucial. A theory is a lot more valuable if it’s deciding a year and a half of the NBA (2) or the outcome of the NBA finals than if it’s deciding a meaningless game in November.
Category Three: Poo Factor
Category three is the poo factor, since you asked. I’ll go much deeper into the poo factor soon, but the super-short story is that in Game 1 of the 2008 NBA Finals, Paul Pierce landed awkwardly, and appeared to seriously injure his ankle. Trainers believe the injury required a wheelchair, yet minutes after wheeling over to the locker room, Pierce miraculously healed and promptly returned. Some theorize, (based on admittedly shoddy evidence), that Paul Pierce needed a wheelchair for a few minutes because he pooped his pants during the game. In a vacuum, this serves as the gold-standard for humor in NBA conspiracy theories. And thus, the humor category is tilted the poo category. Humor is crucial to a conspiracy theory. Most theories try to have fun with the league. Sports are about having fun. The NBA is a fun league. Let’s have some fun here. (3)
Category Four: Fan Knowledge
This is pretty straightforward. The more people that are aware of a theory, the more power it gains. This category questions if a casual fan would be aware of the theory, or if not, if it gain some traction in pop culture. (4)
Category Five: How Aware is the Theory?
This one is important to the NBA in particular. Even if the NBA is one of the most socially aware leagues (with a similarly progressive fanbase), there are plenty of conspiracy theories that are problematic. Some of the most prevalent theories dispute the actual age of NBA players. Almost every player questioned, however, is African. This category is somewhat connected to the poo factor. Things are objectively less funny if they are problematic. That isn’t to say all age theories are problematic, nor that all are funny or unfunny, but there must be a pragmatic approach behind each score. A very problematic theory will receive a zero. A very unproblematic theory will receive a ten. (5)
Category Six: Player, Fan, or Both?
Like four, category six is very straightforward. Was the theory perpetuated by a fan (five points) or a player (five points)? If it has been perpetrated by both, than it receives a perfect ten in this category.
Category Seven: Is it Facts?
The final category, number seven, determines the plausibility of a theory. Could it really truly, be true? Is there a proper motive? Sound evidence? Logical logic? (6)
Okay, I think I get it now. What are you going to do with all these theories?
I believe there are about twenty of these theories that are worth our time. Fifteen of these are valued at about a footnote. The remaining five are very important. I believe there are about twenty of these theories that are worth our time. Fifteen of these are valued at about a footnote. The remaining five are very important.
In the reverse order of best to worst, I’m going to rank the five most important theories. A lot of conspiracy theories are similar to each other, and as such, I’m going to make sure that the top five are stand-alone theories.
Why? That sounds stupid.
Okay. Think about it like you’re assembling an NBA team. Say there’s a bunch of players on your team that are all the same; they’re good at shooting three pointers and passing the ball and bad at everything else. (1,1a) They match up against my team.
My team has a couple players that do the same thing your players do, and then a bunch of players that do their own separate things very well. Who is going to win? My team. It’s like that, but with conspiracy theories. Every year people claim the lottery is rigged. I’m not saying there’s only one important draft lottery conspiracy. I’m just saying that we only need one.
I only have a limited number of pages, and thus as Kyrie would say, you can “Do your own research” on the lower-scoring theories. The remaining five will be dissected and ranked.
Okay, cool.
To read the top five, visit part two.
