Part Two: Which NBA Conspiracy Theory is the Most Essential Conspiracy Theory?)

(Written as an extension to Shea Serrano’s “BAOT”)

(h/t Slam Magazine)

Let’s get started.

5. Paul Pierce did not suffer a leg injury in Game One of the 2008 NBA championship, and instead, used a wheelchair to cover-up for the fact he pooped his pants. (Concepcion: Pierce)

Ah. The Paul Pierce Poo Theory. Instead of going into the obvious synergy between the poo and character categories, I’m going to focus on two subtle aspects of the theory, one of which helps the theory’s case and one of which hurts it.

The impact on the NBA is a very underrated part of this story. Imagine Pierce had gotten injured, and was out for the rest of the series. Seeing as Pierce was the best player in the series (he won Finals MVP), what would we the fans lose? (Basketball Reference).

1. Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett would have never gotten that elusive title, hurting Garnett’s case in the second greatest power forward of all time argument, and putting Paul Pierce’s legacy closer to that of Carmelo Anthony (90–100th best player of all time) to Dominique Wilkins status (60–70th best player of all time)
2. In the NBA’s greatest rivalry, the Lakers would then outnumber the Celtics in total rings, 17–16, cementing them as the GOAT franchise (Basketball Reference).
3. Without a title to his name, Ainge drops out of the “GOAT executive” conversation.
4. The Celtics would have not won a title since 1986, a drought of 32 years. (1)
5. It would have given Kobe a 3-peat and 6 rings, creeping him closer to Jordan’s GOAT status. (2) It also would have been Kobe’s third title without Shaq, which would have been less of a shot at Shaq and more of a testament to Kobe’s greatness. (3)

On the other hand, this theory is complete and utter garbage. It does it’s best to tarnish the legacy of one of Boston’s most beloved athletes, one of the tougher (albeit, at times, unlikeable), players in NBA history. It also is, simply put, not true. The evidence is based on one frame of a replay, where the poor camera quality indicates a brown spot on Pierce’s posterior (Concepcion: Pierce). It shows up at no other point in the game. I can’t say that there is no chance the theory is untrue, but what I am saying is that this theory is more giggles than shits.

4. Wilt Chamberlain beat up a mountain lion with his bare hands. (4)

A mountain lion.

Just a phenomenal story all around. In his 1991 autobiography “A View From Above” Wilt outlines the time he was driving across the Southwestern US. He claims that when he pulled over to the side of the road, a mountain lion jumped up to attack him. Chamberlain claims that he fought off the lion and was able to simply toss it to the side (Chamberlain). (5) The only place where this story loses serious points is the facts category. (6)

That said: most people would receive a zero in that category if they said they fought off a mountain lion, hands bare or equipped. Wilt Chamberlain, physically, is the closest thing mankind has ever gotten to a lion, and also the closest thing we’ve gotten to a mountain. (7)

3. Delonte West slept with LeBron James’ mother, Gloria James. Later, LeBron forced management to trade Michael Beasley because he bared too close of a resemblance to West (Petchesky). (8) Beasley’s father is responsible for the latter half of this theory. (Porter)

This story has so many crucial layers to it. There’s the third best layer (the Delonte layer), in that West is now known exclusively known for the scandal. There’s the second best layer (the LeBron layer) in that someone was finally able to get into LeBron’s head. And then there’s the best layer (the Beasley layer), in that not just Beasley, but his father, got involved.

It’s admittedly very funny that a player like Delonte West could knock one of the two best players of all time off of his game. Let’s remember the importance of the game. This was the Eastern Conference Semifinals. The Cavs start strong against the Celtics. But then mysteriously, in the final three games of the series, LeBron falls off a cliff. (9)

Some other things:

1. The Celtics wound up losing to the Dwight Howard-led Orlando Magic in the following round. Do I believe the Cavaliers matched up better against the Magic? Maybe. (10)
2. LeBron left the Cavs the following season to join the Miami Heat. I’m unsure of Delonte’s role, but the fact there was even a chance he played a part in LeBron’s decision is very funny. (11)
3. We were robbed of the Kobe Bryant-LeBron James transition-of-power NBA Finals matchup, which is disappointing (especially considering the Lakers faced the Orlando Magic, who, as of the publication of this chapter, are the basketball equivalent of banging your head on a table edge every time you try to get up).

2. Michael Jordan did not actually quit the NBA in the 1993–1994, 1994–1995 NBA seasons to play baseball, but instead was banned by commissioner Stern for his incessant gambling addiction. (Smith)

Wow. There are so many good MJ theories. This isn’t the funniest one (12) or the one with the biggest individual moment (13) but it is the most essential one. On one side we have Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of all time, and on the other we have David Stern, the most conspiracy-ridden human being of all time. We get a year and a half-off from MJ, which means:

1. We lose a year and a half of the greatest player of all time, and he has to play baseball, which means he has to do something he isn’t good at, (which means he has to do something he hates).
2. Hakeem Olajuwon would win not just one, but two titles in a decade that was otherwise run by MJ (moving Hakeem up about 15 spots on the all-time players list, and putting an asterisk next to Jordan’s GOAT resume) (Basketball Reference).
3. We get Shaq and Penny losing in the Finals.This is the beginning of the end for the duo, who fail to save the Orlando Magic franchise.

The final thing though? This conspiracy is sort of, kind of, almost believable. MJ was a notorious gambler. (It fit very well with his ego). (It also helped humanize him). David Stern was willing to do anything he could to get his way. But he knew he couldn’t ban or suspend MJ from the NBA. So he had to cut a deal with MJ.

Stern told Jordan he would either be banned from the sport, or would have to take a year off. Why would Jordan accept this deal? For starters, MJ is super protective and aware of his legacy. (14) And the other reason is intuitive — he’s a really bad gambler. There’s no way he called Stern’s bluff.

1. NBA Commissioner David Stern rigged the 1985 draft lottery so the Knicks could draft transcendent talent Patrick Ewing, ensuring a big-market team got the future star, saving the NBA, and catalyzing the NBA conspiracy train (Ballard). (15)

This is the theory started it all. Not just in basketball. But across the sports. This was the first draft lottery in NBA history, and so fans were rightfully on high alert. There are plenty of obvious reasons that this theory is so important, but those are easy, so I won’t really go into those ones. (16) Instead I’ll go into the one that’s held a shadow over the entire chapter.

What David Stern did over the course of his commissionership was nothing short of incredible. And you know why? Because he was insane. He did everything within the scope of his power. And this especially involved shutting down conspiracies. It’s not like no one questioned him on these theories. The press was all over him. And he responded with his authoritarian tone.

“There was the time, in 2012, when Jim Rome asked Stern, “Was the fix in for the lottery?” Stern was not happy. “I have two answers for that,” Stern said. “I’ll give you the easy one, no. And a statement: Shame on you for asking.” When Rome kept pushing, Stern fired back: “Have you stopped beating your wife yet?” The interview concluded with each man asking if the other was going to hang up” (Ballard).

When Adam Silver stepped up as commissioner in 2014, I wasn’t sure what kind of conspiracy future awaited us. I didn’t believe Silver had it in him to maintain Stern’s legacy. Silver seemed like a genuinely intelligent and level-headed commissioner. And he has been.

But it doesn’t mattered. Why? Because Stern’s legacy over the sport is inescapable. Since 2014, plenty of theories have sprouted, and yet they all trace back to some form of Stern’s leadership. We’ve had players deny basic science. We’ve had years of major sports networks like ESPN asking if the lottery is rigged. (Concepcion: Draymond) The number one pick in the 2017 draft forgot how to shoot. The number two pick has a father that maybe sort of can tell the future (and may also be evading taxes) (and also used eminent domain to coach a Lithuanian basketball team) (with his other two sons as the team’s star players.) Up is down. Down is up. Nothing is real. And it’s all David Stern’s fault.

Every cult needs a powerful foil. David Stern served to be the perfect one for the NBA.

Wait, so you’re telling me that the highest score was… a 79?

There will never be a perfect NBA conspiracy theory. There are just too many important parts to fill. But there is no chance they’re going away. If a grainy brown pixel proves that Paul Pierce pooped his pants, anything is possible. Maybe the NBA is more than a little stitious.

Bibliography:

Ballard, Chris. “The Ewing Conspiracy.” Sports Illustrated Longform,
“Basic Facts About Mountain Lions.” Defenders of Wildlife, 19 Sept. 2016

“Basketball Statistics and History.” Basketball-Reference.com,
Bodner, Brett. “Charles Barkley Once Showed up to Practice and Ate McDonalds.” NY Daily News, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS, 21 July 2016

Concepcion, Jason. “The Draymond Conspiracy.” The Ringer, The Ringer, 15 June 2016

Concepcion, Jason. “NBA Mythbusting: The Curious Case of Paul Pierce and the Wheelchair.” The Ringer, The Ringer, 6 Jan. 2017

“Did Wilts ‘100 Point Game’ Actually Happen?” Message Board Basketball Forum — InsideHoops,

Dispelling the Muggsy Bogues and Michael Jordan Myth • r/Nba.” Reddit

Dorsey, Jesse. “Jalen Rose Reportedly Claims Michael Jordan’s ‘Flu Game’ Was a Hangover Game.”

Petchesky, Barry. “Anatomy Of A Rumor: How The Gloria James/Delonte West Sex Story Went Viral.” Deadspin, Deadspin.com, 21 May 2010

Porter, Matt. “Michael Beasley’s Father’s Has Interesting Take on LeBron James Deal.” Heat Zone

SB Nation. “Jason Kidd’s Beef with Jim Jackson Involved Jamal Mashburn and a Big Toni Braxton Myth.” YouTube

Sherman, Rodger. “Did Marcus Morris Sub in for His Twin Brother, Markieff?” The Ringer, The Ringer, 3 May 2017

Smith, Marcel. “Michael Jordan’s First Retirement: Was It a Secret Suspension?” Bleacher Report, Bleacher Report, 12 Apr. 2017

Woo, Jeremy. “What Is Michael Beasley Talking about?” SI.com, 26 Sept. 2017,