Basketball is one of the fastest growing sports in North America. So it should come as little surprise that in the NBA, a diverse set of opinions often leaves fans with little to agree upon. Yet there remains one outlier, one source of Cold War-esque escapism that unites fans across the U.S. There remains one constant for any individual who has watched a game of basketball in this calendar year. They’ve been subjected to the tyrannical, money-mongering cries of StateFarm, in a commercial they’ve titled “Grand Tour.”

I used to believe that there was only one commercial that was so unbearable, and shown at such a large clip, that it threatened the very way I watched basketball. The commercial I am referring to, of course, is “The Andersons Got Tickets To the Game.” I was mistaken, and I apologize.

According to ispot.TV, the commercial has been aired a total of 2,960 times since it’s first airing on Christmas Eve, which
a) is the worst Christmas present ever and
b) means that (as of February 27) it has been aired an average of 45.5 times a day, a number that is very big, yet to NBA fans, still seems almost a bit too low.

We’re gonna do the same thing we did with “The Anderson’s”, and breakdown why this commercial is so hauntingly bad, and how StateFarm is getting away with such a great finesse.

StateFarm’s “Grand Tour” Through Hell

1. At the start of the advert, we are plopped down into what we assume to be Houston, at the Paul residency. We are introduced to Chris Paul, who is having difficulty acclimating to the move from Los Angeles. In the Spanish language, Los Angeles means “The Angeles.” That can have two connotations. Either:
a) Paul has plummeted down from the angels.
b) CP3 has moved from the Angelics of his old State Farm commercials with Cliff Paul and “The Hoopers” to a Southernic location.

Keeping up? What I’m tryna say is that while the commercial was literally shot in Houston, metaphorically shot in hell, and was likely was a shot in the dark from the StateFarm marketing team.

2. As Paul stands outside his house and the people in the back do all the work (are we sure this isn’t LA?), Paul reads a business card of StateFarm Agent “Cole Perez.” This is super alarming. Why? Because that’s no Cole Perez. That’s Dunder Mifflin’s Oscar Martinez.

3. On the card, it reads in Sharpie “BORN TO BE YOUR AGENT,” even though we already know that Oscar’s life goal is to have a seat in Congress as one of Pennsylvania’s senators. The card was given to Chris by his former StateFarm Agent, Cliff.

4. At that moment, the newly employed insurance agent Oscar Martinez randomly shows up at Chris’s house. A little weird, no? I know any agent would have Paul’s residency information. And maybe he’s a big Rockets fan. But if he truly valued himself as an insurance agent, he wouldn't show up unannounced at a client’s house. It’s just unprofessional.
4a. (Fact Check: Oscar Martinez is not a basketball fan. In “Basketball,” S1:E5 of The Office, Oscar has only one line (about the company’s impending downsize). Though he does show up for the game, he displays no emotion at any point during that game).)

5. CP3 gets in the car with Oscar, who, again, he’s never met before. I know he was referred to by Cliff, but I mean come on. Are you going to get in a car with someone you just met? No. Another oversight/finesse by StateFarm.

6. Oscar says “Let’s roll. ”No one has ever actually said “let’s roll.”

7. Is he just not gonna tell anyone where he’s going?

8. Why is CP3 wearing a sweatshirt. Sweatshirt weather is officially defined as 40-55 degrees. This commercial was shot in Houston. Has hell really frozen over (or more accurately moderatley cooled down?)

9. On the outside, it looks like a relatively modest house for someone making almost 23 million dollars a year. On the inside, though, is where we see the house is very not-modest. To buy a house that looks (meh) on the outside and (wow) on the inside is a very on-brand CP3 move.

10. They get to the bowling arena, and something’s still up. (I’d like to preface this by saying I’m garbage at bowling, and this is only my common sense view on the matter.) The bowling ball leaves at an oftly interesting angle, with seemingly no spin, for a strike. This doesn’t make sense, considering that Chris Paul is actually a very, very good bowler, because of course Chris Paul is a good bowler.
10a. (Mandatory reminder CP3 has made it out of the second round of a bowling tournament but has not made it out of the second round the NBA playoffs.)

11. That’s a pretty late shot on a strike. Almost as if Oscar, too, didn’t throw that bowling ball. [Shrug Emoji.]

12. Once they’re in the car, Paul turns over the radio to Oscar. This is unrealistic, as Paul has the best assist-to-turnover ratio in NBA history.

13. Oscar continuously takes his eys off the road. He should’ve learned more from his coworkers:

14. How I know that StateFarm is getting the last laugh: I will never ever be able to hear this song again without:
14a. Thinking of StateFarm and
14b. Knowing deep down that by writing about how bad this commercial is, I’m just providing free advertising, proving yet again to be a simple cog in the capitalist machine.

15. Are we just going to gloss over the fact that James Harden or Trevor Ariza clearly crashed their car? I have so many questions.
15a. Who crashed the car? (Best Bet: Harden)
15b. How did they crash the car? (Best Bet: Trevor Ariza has the aux. He’s playing Rick Ross, true to his Miami roots. But there is an issue. Ariza has forgotten to queue up his next song. Country music begins to play. Ariza (attempting to turn the volume down) and Harden (very much attempting to turn the volume up) both reach to change the volume. They reach the controls at the same time. Harden flails arm, looking for the foul, and loses control of the car. They crash into some bushes, unharmed. Harden still looking for the foul, remains distraught throughout the commercial. [Scene])
15c. Where were they going? (Best Bet: [side-eye smirking emoji]
15d. Why is Harden not already logged into the StateFarm app? (Best Bet: James Harden never bothered to get insurance.)
15e. What is James Harden‘s 12 digit StateFarm Password? (probably something real goofy. Best Bet: Pass?Word!13)

16. Harden or Ariza (but definitely Ariza) called for a tow truck. The name of the towing company is literally just “Towing.” Their motto is “You Break it, we Tow It.” Have you ever heard someone say they “Broke” their car? No. YOU either “crash” your car, or IT breaks down. You don’t break your car.

17. (While we’re on the subject, where is the car that is supposed to be towed?)

18. When Oscar asks if they need any help, Harden says no, and the weight he puts on the word “no” is so perfect. (Glossing over the fact that he was supposedly the one who contacted StateFarm. #petty)

19. Why is Trevor Ariza wearing a jean jacket?

20. It’s time to address the elephant in the room. Why is Trevor Ariza even in the commercial? Trevor Ariza’s role should’ve been given to Clint Capela. This is because:
20a. Clint Capela is the third best player on the Rockets (who are 30–1 when Harden, Paul, and Capela all play)
20b. Clint Capela is the most common third man in a James Harden-Chris Paul-X Player rotation. (Those three have 460 minutes logged, while the Harden-CP3-Ariza trifecta has a mere 349.
20c. Clint Capela was the only one noble enough to take upon the role of Trojan horse in the famous locker room brawl from earlier this year.
20d. Clint Capela has prior singing experience.

21. Trevor Ariza is, objectively the worst player to ever be in a StateFarm commercial. (Best to Worst: Kevin Garnett, Paul, Harden, Reggie Miller, Damian Lillard, Kevin Love, DeAndre Jordan, Ariza)

22. Harden is mad at Ariza, and pushes him away (SMH why Harden always pushing off. At least StateFarm finally decided to do a little research.)

23a.

23b.

23c.