The Ultimate Basketball World Cup
Which state/country has produced the best current talent? (Hint: It is most certainly not Massachusetts.)
Who can Qualify for the Basketball World Cup?
Team must be: State or country composed of 7–10 active players, all of whom must have at least half a year of NBA experience.
We’re going to use the Thibedouian laws of roster construction as a guideline for qualifying teams. Therefore, to ensure athletes do not pass out on the court, a team must have at least seven active players to use in their rotation. Having more than this can be helpful. Said player must have at least half a season’s worth of experience, as to ensure that Thibedou does not force the player into an early retirement. Teams will run with anywhere from seven to ten-man rotations. The final rule serves as a mere note to Thibs: teams do not need to have at least four former Chicago Bulls players.
States That Don’t Qualify:
States That Do Qualify:
Countries That Qualify:
This leaves 24 teams.
How Does This Work?
It works like the World Cup. Kind of. Teams will be sorted into groups of three by their relative region. To keep the bracket in effect, the worst team of the three in each group will be eliminated in the group stage. I understand fully that this is not how the real world cup works, but 30 states couldn’t quite get their act together (32 if you count the abhorrent rosters Massachusetts and Virginia assembled), so there wasn’t much I could do about that.
(I also cheated with South Carolina, as they had only 6 qualified players. I let them play because Torrey Craig missed the cut by two games. But Torrey Craig was also the Australian Basketball League DPOY in the 2016–2017 season, so I figured that he was showing out enough over there to make up for two missed games over here.)(Also I needed 24 teams.)
Eliminations
Group A: Spain
Group B: Washington
Group C: Canada
Group D: Florida
Group E: Tennessee
Group F: Maryland
Group G: Massachusetts
Group H: Virginia
I’m not declaring a winner of any group, so I’m just going to randomize the 16 remaining teams to put in the bracket.
The loser of the Cup is Massachusetts, who had to put out a roster with Michael Carter-Williams, which I didn’t know was still a thing people did these days.
Teams Left:
Australia, France, California, Texas, Indiana, Michigan, Georgia, Louisiana, Illinois, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Ohio, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, South Carolina
(1) France vs. (16) Missouri
Like Celtics fans, France is mad that Guerschon Yabusele only played 33 games last year (and thus doesn’t make France’s roster).
Missouri takes upon a versatile identity with their talented wings, and works the ball on the perimeter to avoid Gobert inside. Ultimately, Missouri capitalizes on France’s lack of depth, and take the round one victory.
(8) Illinois vs (9) New Jersey
After putting up 60 on Massachusetts in the knockout round, KAT can’t carry his team past Davis+depth. For the first time, someone visits Malachi Richardson’s Basketball Reference page. The nickname “Shoota” is removed from the page. Richardson has made 20 threes in his career.
(4) Indiana vs (13) California
Calm down, California. Mason gets bragging rights for being the only Plumlee to make it on the roster, but I could’ve thrown any Marshall or Miles out there and you wouldn’t have known the difference. Kawhi via Uncle Dennis complains of leg soreness.
(5) Georgia vs (12) Michigan
LAPD grants KCP the right to leave California for the game, but it doesn’t matter as Booker, Kuzma, and Draymond outshine Georgia. Crowder, Dwight, and Aminu all take to Twitter to sub each other. KCP’s ankle monitor is reattached post game.
(2) South Carolina vs. (15) Australia
South Carolina has Virginia to thank for making it this far. That ends here, as they get absolutely waxed by Australia, who is the last international team standing. (I still believe in Dante Exum. I anti-believe in Raymond Felton. Australia wins this one like 110–39)
(7) Ohio vs. (10) Louisiana
It’s not that the players on Louisiana are necessarily bad as individuals. But as a unit, the roster construction by far makes the least sense. Ohio is stacked, and has the best two players in the tournament.
Elfrid Payton cuts his hair mid-game as a last-ditch attempt for playing time, but doesn’t get it till the Pelicans pick him up in free agency.
(3) Pennsylvania vs. (13) New York
Pennsylvania runs out an ultra-modern lineup with Kidd-Gilchrist at the 5 and has the depth to make them a first-round sleeper. New York rides its identity of pure scoring, but team chemistry begins to wane when Anthony yells at all the younger players to “#STAYME7O,” (to the bewilderment of Lance Stephenson, who spends the rest of the game trying to figure out what “ME7O” means). New York pulls in with one of the more disappointing teams, but ultimately have far superior talent in the front court, and take the game on the glass.
(6) Texas vs. (11) North Carolina
James Harden and CP3 seemed to work well enough in a two PG lineup, and having one of either Paul or Wall on at the same time definitely helps a North Carolin team. While good coaching rendered Whiteside obsolete in the playoffs (and stretches during the regular season), he can still put up minutes for North Carolina.
I just want to say I really like this North Carolina team.
But I also REALLY like this Texas team.
I don’t know how you stop CP3 and John Wall, but even more so I don’t know how you score on Texas. The LaMarcaissance overpowers North Carolina in the front court. I think Texas rides its defensive identity to a 78–65 win.
QuarterFinals
(16) Missouri vs. (8) Illinois
Willie Reed tries his very best but can’t stop Davis from putting up another 50+. Early in the fourth, the second line of Illinois takes over, and puts away an uneventful game.
(13) California vs. (12) Michigan
With Booker calling the shots for Michigan, best friend Tyler Ulis earns the nod in the starting lineup. Ecstatic to play alongside Ulis, Booker goes off dropping a 50 piece on Cali. Ulis, on the other hands, sees he’s matched up against Damian Lillard, James Harden, Russell Westbrook, and Jrue Holliday. He calls it a day. California wins 140–76.
Draymond runs to the parking lot after the game to call Kawhi, and asks if he wants to join Michigan. Kawhi starts to agree, until his uncle Dennis appears, quickly shutting everything down, including Kawhi for the rest of the tournament. Reports begin to filter out that Kawhi is unhappy in California and is requesting a trade to New York, presumably to hide from the training staff.
(15) Australia vs. (7) Ohio
Look, I own lots of property on Ingles island, but Ohio is the more talented team. Australia will have its turn down the line with its young core. Ohio wins this one, though, and everyone is reminded that Steven Adams is actually from New Zealand.
(14) New York vs (4) Texas
Texas’s stifling defense presents a real problem for New York. This is definitely a close game, but New York is sent home early courtesy of a big game from Jimmy Butler. Melo stans on Twitter inevitably complain, while Melo can only muster a “#STAYME7O” in the post-game interview. New York responds with their own message on Twitter.
“#LEAVEME7O” — New York, on Twitter
Semi-Finals
(8) Illinois vs (13) California
Illinois matches up well w/ California, who doesn’t have a true big to guard Anthony Davis. Illinois, meanwhile can use a combo of Davis, Beverly, Covington, and Iguodala to guard the four main weapons for California. That said, California's depth and stars are too much for a team with just one. While the game is closer than it should be (thanks Uncle Dennis) California still takes this one,
(7) Ohio vs (4) Texas
Texas rode its defensive identity all the way to the semifinals, but a run-in with LeBron and Steph is too much to handle. Ohio takes this one on the backs of its superstars once again.
Finals
(13) California vs. (7) Ohio
A Tale of the Tape
Ohio
MVP: 6
All-NBA: 19
All-Defense: 6
California
MVP: 2
All-NBA: 25
All-Defense: 5
Questions
Who can stop Steph?
You can’t. But California’s best shot is Jrue Holiday, which means you likely have to play Westbrook and Lillard less.
Who can stop LeBron?
You can’t. But their best shot is Paul George, a slightly overrated but still talented defender.
What about Caris LeVert, Larry Nance, and the bench?
Good question. Ohio probably goes 7 deep (the starting five plus Rozier and Kennard), and deploys LeBron at the five for stretches, seeing California doesn’t have the size to stop him.
Nance is a high energy guy, but needs to be careful he doesn’t get into foul trouble early. LeVert is able to play some solid defense, and can help slow down Harden and Klay, but must play at another level consistently for Ohio to win the game.
How does California deal with a lack of big depth?
They likely play Gordon when LeBron is at the 5, but they will need to shut down the perimeter, as Curry and LeBron can do essentially whatever they want, given that they’re Stephen Curry and LeBron James. California will have to constantly switch to make sure they don’t get beat one-on-one, which helps when you have guys like Klay and PG, but less so when you have guys like Kevin Love. Keeping the effort level high on the defensive end of the floor should be the primary focus of California, who can use their depth to deploy an energetic defense.
Who does CJ guard? What about Steph?
McCollum has a reputation as a trash defender, which is only kind of true — but also important — considering the manpower of California. When Holiday is in the game, that is likely his man, and when he isn’t, he’ll stick on Klay.
Curry meanwhile, is still an underrated defender, and can at least make sure Harden doesn’t 40-piece them. This said, Curry will be focused on the offensive end of the floor, and the deep guard depth of California should keep Steph busy on that end of the floor.
What is Ohio’s go-to play?
How you could stop a Curry-LeBron pick and roll is beyond me.
What’s California’s go-to?
How you stop California on the fast break, w/ either a Westbrook grab-and-go or Love outlet, is beyond me.
So who wins?
Ohio has the two best players on the court, and California has 3 through 9, the last two MVPs, and are probably good enough to rest the starters in the fourth quarter. Ohio’s two best players live in California. Give me CA.
