The BBQ MVPs: NBA Edition
What NBA Superstar Would Be the Best Addition To Your Cookout
Once upon a time, I received a special resume from an acquaintance of mine. It contained a list of qualities and strengths he possessed and believed were necessary in order join my squad. An application for squadship. It was a bit wack, but, in fairness, it was sixth grade. It was genuine, and kinda dope. But yeah, it was also wack. The squad had never requested nor received a resume before. I responded that the application was not necessary, and said acquaintance need not to worry about it. I wasn’t really sure what to say. I don’t really know what anyone would be expected to say in that situation. On top of it all, I don’t even remember what I did say. Nevertheless, when the dust settled, we remained acquaintances.
After having called upon this memory, I began to hypothesize what it would be like if such specifications did exist. That, say, to enter a squad you did need to go through some sort of application process. Not hazing. Just an application. Maybe similar to the one I had recieved many years ago. There would be some pretty cool resumes. Because NBA players are cool as ****. Believe it or not, NBA players are a lot cooler than you are. This is a fact. Feeling defensive? Here’s a survey for you:
Have you hung out with a celebrity before: Y/N
Can you dunk a basketball: Y/N
Have you donated thousands of dollars to charity: Y/N
Is the average yearly income at your position > $7,031,933: Y/N
Has your name been mentioned been in a rap song (SoundCloud does not count): Y/N
Tangent: If you’re on an NBA roster, you’re almost guaranteed to get name-dropped in a rap song as well. It’s probably built into a player’s contract. And it is not just the stars, like LeBron, who are referenced. (Though being a star can help boost one’s hip-hop status.) (LeBron has been referenced 423 times, according to RapGenius. Four Hundred and Twenty-Three times. That is a lot of references. I’m still not sure if I believe this.)
Almost any player can get name-dropped by a hip-hop artist. The likes of Danillo Gallinari and J.J. Reddick have had bars dedicated to their namesakes. Jimmer Fredette has his very own bar courtesy of Lil Wayne himself (Fredette once dropped 73 in the Chinese Basketball Association). Kendrick Lamar even has an entire verse dedicated Aaron freaking Afflalo (Afflalo has averaged 11 points per game throughout his NBA career.)
Still not impressed? Here is a quiz for you. Guess which of the following players have been named in a song:
Shelvin Mack: T/F
Markieff Morris: T/F
Luc Mbah A Moute: T/F
Eddie House: T/F
OJ Mayo: T/F
Charlie Villanueva: T/F
If you answered yes to all of those, congratulations. You would be right. In fact, they were all featured in the same song: “Sports” by Lil Dicky. The point is, being an NBA player is really dope. It would be really dope to knew an NBA player. But who would be the most dope NBA player to have in your squad?
It’s easy to take players outside of the top 25 because it’s obviously a larger pool of picks. Joel Embiid immediately comes to mind. Hassan Whiteside is also a very fun person. As is Dion Waiters. As is JR Smith. But there is a certain unquantifiable aura that surrounds the top players in the league. Those are the guys that could really prove to be squad-changers.
An ideal example from History is David Robinson. He was a NBA superstar renowned for being a great guy. More importantly, he passes all of the soon to be mentioned criteria for being a worthy squad member (save one social media category). From r/NBA, here is a description of one person’s encounter with The Admiral:
Just passed David Robinson on the beach while on my honeymoon. I was walking passed David while he was waiting for towels. I asked if he was David Robinson and he smiled and said “I sure am, what is your name?” as he walked up to me and my wife and stuck out his hand to shake mine. We joked about me being from Dallas and a Mavs fan which makes us rivals, and proceeded to talk about 30 seconds until we were on our way.
For this exercise, we’re going to narrow the list of candidates down to the Top 25 players, because there are almost 400 Players in the NBA (too many). We will use the top 25 players according to Bleacher Report. Not every squad has perfect fits (looking at you, Kyrie) so we have to very careful with our selection. Let’s meet our 25 promising stars.
Players Left: LeBron James, Russell Westbrook, James Harden, Kawhi Leonard, Stephen Curry, Kevin Durant, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Chris Paul, Jimmy Butler, Draymond Green, Kyle Lowry, Rudy Gobert, Isaiah Thomas, Anthony Davis, Paul George, Nikola Jokic, DeMarcus Cousins, John Wall, Marc Gasol, Karl Anthony Towns, Deandre Jordan, Mike Conley, Blake Griffin, Damian Lillard, Paul Millsap.
Criteria One: To join the squad the player has to be exciting.
Barring the rosters of Detroit and Charlotte, most NBA players are, to some degree, exciting. All NBA players possess some degree of talent. So here, a key distinction must be made between a player who is talented and a player who is exciting (not mutually exclusive). Paul Millsap is talented. But is Paul Millsap exciting? No, Paul Millsap is not exciting.
Is Giannis Antetokounmpo exciting? Yes, Giannis Antetokounmpo is absolutely exciting. Just look at this dunk. I have never been so sure in my life a dunk would be slammed home. Giannis is both transcendent and exciting (even more than what we’re looking for). Paul Millsap is not exciting. Here we lose the aforementioned Millsap, as well as Mike Conley, DeAndre Jordan, and Marc Gasol.
And yes, Kyle Lowry too.
Players left: LeBron James, Russell Westbrook, James Harden, Kawhi Leonard, Stephen Curry, Kevin Durant, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Chris Paul, Jimmy Butler, Draymond Green, Nikola Jokic, Rudy Gobert, Isaiah Thomas, Anthony Davis, Paul George, Demarcus Cousins, John Wall, Blake Griffin, Damian Lillard.
Criteria Two: To join the squad, the player must be one of two things that you would want from a friend; either they are a) a genuinely good person or b) an enigmatic player who stunts as a bad person, but is actually a good one.
Here we can eliminate:
Chris Paul: Channeling Stephen A. Smith: Chris Paul seems like a great basketball player. I have nothing but respect for the guy. World-class human being. However — outside of the banana boat crew, does anyone actually like this man? Now I know. He’s a tough, fearless leader and a top-level talent — but does he not come across as just a bit too cold? Again, nothing against the guy. It’s not you Chris… it’s me.
Demarcus Cousins: See above.
Paul George, you’re cool, but you also screwed over your team, so I guess you’re not that cool.
Players Left: LeBron James, Russell Westbrook, James Harden, Kawhi Leonard, Stephen Curry, Kevin Durant, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Jimmy Butler, Draymond Green, Rudy Gobert, Isaiah Thomas, Anthony Davis, John Wall, Blake Griffin, Damian Lillard.
Criteria Three: To join the squad, said player’s social media game has to be strong as ****. Must take no shorts on the timeline. To be a good fit in the squad there needs to be an X-Factor. Here, it’s the clown-factor.
Blake Griffin. You jumped over (the hood of) a car. Cool. But not the strongest showing on social media. John Wall. Same boat. Kawhi. I want to keep you in the running, but can’t because I’m not entirely certain you know what Twitter is. James Harden gets the cut. The best thing Anthony Davis ever posted was a picture of the cheese emoji. OK.
KAT and Jokic lack social media experience, both heading to the chopping block.
I almost eliminated Jimmy Butler. Admittedly, his social media is, at best, average. However, I then remembered he dropped his phone number for the whole world to know. Ballsy.
Everyone else is a clown on social media. A run-down on each, in case you forgot.
LeBron James: NBA superstar first, businessman second, philanthropist third, Petty Superstar fourth.
Russell Westbrook: NBA Superstar first, Petty Superstar (close) second.
Stephen Curry: Not a particularly funny guy, but an overall strong feed, lots of followers. This was pretty good as well.
Kevin Durant: Just Scroll.
Giannis Antetokounmpo: Aced the LeBron Challenge.
Draymond Green: Check out his Instagram after the Finals.
Rudy Gobert: Showed promise after the departure of Gordon Hayward. An under-the-radar social media presence.
IT: [Eyes Emoji]
Damian Lillard: His entire Twitter Feed.
Players Left: LeBron James, Russell Westbrook, Stephen Curry, Kevin Durant, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Draymond Green, Rudy Gobert, Isaiah Thomas, Damian Lillard.
Criteria Four: To join the squad, the player must be well-rounded. We’re looking for just a bit of offense, and just a bit of defense.
I think IT would agree with the decision.
Players Left: LeBron James, Russell Westbrook, Stephen Curry, Kevin Durant, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Draymond Green, Damian Lillard.
Criteria Five: To join the squad, the player has to have a strong history with the squad they currently belong to.
Maybe you think it took Kevin Durant too long to get cut. He did meet all the previous criteria. No longer. We aren’t sure if he would end up leaving us for another friend group. It just seems more likely than not.
Maybe you are thinking: Oh thank god. Russy is safe. But I ask you to consider the following:
Do you, deep down, believe that he had no impact on Durant’s departure?
Do you truly believe that if you saw him in real life, you wouldn’t be too intimidated to talk to him?
Do you actually, really believe that Russell was just joking when he said that Spalding was his best friend on the court? Do you truly believe his relationship with Spalding is only on the court?
Do you actually, truly, really believe that Westbrook wanted what was best for his teammates when he stole the mic away from Steven Adams?
I love Russell Westbrook. He represents truly everything great and everything intriguing and everything everything about the NBA. His fit just isn’t here.
Players Left: LeBron James, Stephen Curry, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Draymond Green, Damian Lillard.
Criteria Six: To join the squad, the player must sign a contract agreeing not to sub-tweet the rest of the squad.
Players Left: Stephen Curry, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Draymond Green, Damian Lillard.
Criteria Seven: To join the squad, the player has to have a defined off-court presence.
Stephen Curry: Ayesha Curry and Riley Curry are the two coolest people on the planet. Steph hangs out with presidents and celebrities and is now the highest paid NBA player on the planet. Bandwagon fans and 13-year-olds model their games after his. He’s just a fun guy.
Giannis Antetokounmpo: His name is really long. His backstory is pretty cool. OK.
Draymond Green: He can name every person drafted before him. He messes with peoples brains, pretends to be a flat-earther, and is the most underrated petty superstar in the game.
Damian Lillard: He’s a rapper. Not like Shaq. He’s a legitimately talented rapper. He went from a two-star recruit to an NBA superstar. He has his own signature shoe. He gets repeatedly snubbed from all-star games, and makes sure the league pays for it. His stats go up after the All-Star Break every year. He and CJ have the balls to recruit Melo, even after Melo said he wouldn’t play for Portland. They countered that in fact, Melo would play for Portland.
Every player is cool. Giannis is the least cool
Players Left: Stephen Curry, Draymond Green, Damian Lillard.
The Final Three: How strong do these players measure in the quantifiable previous categories?
Third Place: Draymond Green
Coolness factor: 6/10
Good Person or Good Bad Guy: 10/10
Social Media: 8/10
Off-Court: 5/10
Total Score: 29
Second Place: Stephen Curry
Coolness Factor: 10/10
Good Person or Good Bad Guy: 6/10
Social Media: 6/10
Off-Court: 8/10
Total Score: 30
First Place: Damian Lillard
Coolness Factor: 7/10
Good Person or Good Bad Guy: 7/10
Social Media: 10/10
Off-Court: 10/10
Total Score: 34
Everybody grab ya shades cuz your boy that bright. Welcome to the squad, Dame Dolla.
