Don’t Forget the Feeling of the Sun
Fight the urge to sink
I don’t know when exactly it was that my worldview shifted from optimism to cynicism.
It was like I fell asleep with my toes in the water and woke up out to sea.
Now I don’t know where the shore is. Everything is just…blue.
Most times I feel like it would be much easier to sink than to keep searching for land.
But truly giving up is no easy feat when it means enduring the torture of drowning.
I still remember what it felt like to lay back on the warm sand and to be cradled by the security of believing in safety and comfort — believing everything will be OK.
I still remember the feeling of the sun kissing my skin, the feeling of pleasure, the feeling of bliss. Somewhere in the distance, they still lay out there, promising a gentle, inviolable return to the cradle of security if I can just find land. Those things weren’t fabrications, I’m sure of it.
So where does illusion begin and reality end? How much of this water is of my invention?
Did I fall asleep while the ocean rushed up around me, or was I dissociating while I filled my own tank?
What if I’ve been flooding my own watery grave, searching desperately for a leak to patch, not having the faintest clue that I’ve been holding the firehose this whole time?
It doesn’t really matter, as long as I don’t forget the feeling of the sun.
