My Experience Trying to Talk Someone Out of Suicide
Talking to them, listening to them, letting them know people cared, did something.
Content Warning: Discussions of suicide
Recently a friend of mine posted a story on Instagram saying, “No matter how much you want it to be, life isn’t for everyone. I’m not enjoying this. It’s no more temporary than I am. It’s no fun and I’m tired of being conscious. I hope you can all understand.”
While their tendency toward suicidal ideation was always a point of concern, the fact that they were talking about it offered some strange comfort.
It indicated they were open to communication and perhaps subconsciously drew attention to their problems as a way of asking for help. But this was the first time they had ever announced that they were going to kill themselves.
I responded to the story, telling them that I wasn’t sure how I could help them, but asking if they could maybe talk to me.
The evolving conversation around mental health has taught me that it is supremely important to listen to someone when they talk about their depression and when they express a desire to die.
But I am not a therapist, I have no qualifications to treat someone struggling with mental illness, so approaching someone talking about killing themselves was anxiety-inducing. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, I didn’t want to push them over the edge. I also didn’t want to pretend that I could help, that I had the answers to their problems. Offering to listen to them was all I knew to do.
They were not inclined to talk. Discussing their feelings wasn’t their strong suit, they said. Their mental health was a train wreck, they couldn’t escape their personality disorders, and they didn’t enjoy life.
All I could say was that I was really sorry that they were going through such a difficult time. That I knew that opening up was difficult.
I knew it was vital to validate their feelings and show them empathy. I didn’t want to pressure them to talk, all I could do was tell them that if they wanted to try, I would listen. I offered to help them find a helpline as well.
They still wouldn’t open up. They told me it was okay and that they did appreciate my concern. It was extremely difficult for them to open up about their personal issues because of their schizoid personality disorder. They didn’t think a helpline would work for them. It would be easier to take “the emergency exit.”
I told them that I really didn’t want them to hurt themselves, and gave them the number to the suicide helpline. I could not force them to talk, but I really encouraged them to try it, it might end up helping. I reminded them that I would listen if they wanted to talk. Even though I wasn’t a therapist, I wouldn’t judge them. I told them that I cared, for whatever that was worth.
They thanked me again but told me that it was okay as if trying to reassure me that committing suicide was really the best option. I had to tell them that I didn’t think it was.
I started to feel like I was bothering them because my attempts to reach out to them had so far proven unsuccessful. But I knew that it was important to take this seriously, that it was better for me to be annoying than to ignore their struggle. I still didn’t know how to reach them, so I suggested mental health apps that had options for them to talk about their issues without having to actually talk to people.
They had tried some of the auto-reply things; maybe it was good for some people but it didn’t seem to help them. They assured me that I was not bothering them and told me again that they appreciated the effort, but that they were a lost cause.
I just wanted to convey that on some level, I could empathize with them because I did understand some of what they were going through. I told them about a friend of mine who had survived a suicide attempt a few years ago, and who only told me about her struggle after she ended up hospitalized.
Having someone so important to me come so close to taking their own life without me even knowing they were hurting so badly is what got me to pay attention to issues surrounding mental health. I never wanted to hear about someone I loved trying to kill themselves without me having done anything to prevent it again. And I wanted them to understand that their dying would be a loss, so I told them about the friend I did lose to suicide when I was a teenager.
I told them that I did not think they were a lost cause, and that there were people who could help if they reached out. I understood that it was hard to talk, but it was worth trying. I understood that it was easy for me to say that because I wasn’t them and I wasn’t in their situation, but there are people trained to help with a lot of very bad situations.
Feeling hopeless, I reached out to the aforementioned friend that attempted suicide before, asking what I could do to help this person. Since they were in the US, she asked me which state they were in and if they had insurance.
I told her I didn’t think they did, and she looked into resources including a local suicide prevention network, and mental health crisis services. I gave these resources to my suicidal friend, and not knowing what else to do, I called the helpline myself to get some more guidance.
I was told to ask questions like: when were they planning on killing themselves, did they have a plan, and have they tried this before? They answered were planning to commit suicide in maybe a week or so, but they didn’t know for sure. They said that they didn’t have a plan but they would figure it out and that they had not tried to kill themselves before, they just wanted to for half a decade straight.
I told them again that I was sorry. How have they coped until this point? They didn’t respond. The next day I texted them again and sent them another number for them to reach out to. They said that I was a good person, but that they were more interested in finding peaceful, painless ways to go. They didn’t think that death was such a bad thing.
I wasn’t just trying to be a good person, I told them. I cared about them and it would devastate me if they took their life. I said that I didn’t think the internet was against them killing themselves, as they had noted, just for the sake of meaninglessly prolonging their pain. I thought that the people involved in suicide prevention could help them work through it. I told them I didn’t think it would make it worse to try to reach out to somebody who could better understand what it was they were going through, that they were not alone in feeling this way.
I tried to assure them that it was normal and understandable to feel hopeless when struggling with mental illnesses but that there were ways to get help. I begged them to please just try to reach out to at least one of these resources in sincerity before they did anything, please. I understood that they were not afraid of dying, but I was afraid.
I was so afraid. Our conversation occurred through text from two different countries, and being so far from them with no progress made in getting through made me feel powerless. I felt like I was watching them stand on the edge of a rooftop, ready to jump and I couldn’t do a thing about it. I broke down in tears, terrified that I would receive a message telling me they were dead.
They told me not to be afraid; they were nothing to be devastated over. They understood my altruism, and that they were not alone in feeling this way. They would rather take the other way out than stick around and try to heal though. They wanted it. They craved it even.
I told them that telling me not to be afraid didn’t make me not afraid; I still was. They may not feel like they were worth grieving but I would still grieve them, and their loss would still hurt. They couldn’t convince me to be okay with this, they mattered to me, to others.
I understood they were hurting but killing themselves was not the only way to stop the pain. I understood it felt easier, but their life mattered too much for it to be the best choice. I repeated what I said earlier, before they did anything, would they please just reach out to one resource, just one if nothing else.
They told me they basically already made their decision. They didn’t want to hurt anyone but they couldn’t keep living for everyone else. It was their life, they never asked for it, they didn’t want it. The only control they felt like they had was to make this decision which ultimately probably wasn’t even at their own will.
The person on the helpline told me that my friend posting about their desire to commit suicide on social media did potentially reveal a desire to get help.
I tried to point this out to my friend, asking them why they would announce it, and reach out to everyone with access to their Instagram stories about it. I told them that not killing themselves and choosing to live was as much a decision as killing themselves.
I understood that the point of what they were saying was that they felt they didn’t have anything to live for and dying was easier than finding something, but they could find something. And even if they didn’t want to live for others they had an impact on the rest of us.
I explained that understood wanting to die. But things could change. Things do change. Could they break it down for me, tell me specifically what was making them feel this way now? I knew it was hard but I wanted to understand.
They said they thought it was only fair to give a heads-up. They had basically been easing the subject in for the past five years while they tried to find something. They couldn’t. They didn’t want to anymore. Existing was painful and humiliating and challenging and mundane and completely unnecessary and they would personally be better off without it. I asked what made it painful and humiliating. They didn’t respond.
Two days later they said they were sorry if they were insensitive. They would go get help.
A year later, they are alive and in therapy. I try to regularly check in with them to make sure they are okay; they usually respond that they are. They are not cured; I am not under the illusion that all of their problems have gone away, that they are no longer at risk of suicide.
But I can convince myself that reaching out helped. That talking to them, listening to them, letting them know people cared, did something.
If you or someone you know is in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, check out the resources below:
* Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline1–800–273-TALK (8255). Here is a list of international suicide hotlines.
* People who are deaf or hard of hearing can reach Lifeline via TTY by dialing 1–800–799–4889 or use the Lifeline Live Chat service online.
* Text TALK to 741741 for 24/7, anonymous, free counseling.
* Call the SAMHSA Treatment Referral Hotline, 1–800–662-HELP (4357), for free, confidential support for substance abuse treatment.
* Call the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1–800–656-HOPE (4673), for confidential crisis support.
* Call Trevor Lifeline, 1–866–488–7386, a free and confidential suicide hotline for LGBTQ+ youth.
* 7 Cups and IMAlive are free, anonymous online text chat services with trained listeners, online therapists, and counselors.
