I’ve been thinking a lot about actions lately.
I’ve been obsessing a lot about actions lately.
Curiosity has simply killed the cat as they say and sent the creative in me on a bit of a wild goose chase into the world of fact-finding. Feel smart with me for a minute. Trust me, I had to look all this up.
Does the past repeat itself regardless of how hard we try to fight it?
Let me preface this by saying that I’m a happily divorced woman in my 40s. It was the right option for me and I’m writing this from a judgment-free zone.
FACT: A child of divorce (I’m in this category) is more likely to experience divorce themselves (again, me). However, research ALSO shows that about 80% of children who come from “broken homes” DO NOT experience lasting negative effects on their mental health.
This fact DID comfort me. I even considered making it a refrigerator magnet. I needed this newfound information to calm me the f*&$ down. Seriously because I’m going through that blending family thing now. Yep, shit has gotten real. My household has gone from two kids to four, plus a non-stop barky dog (that my innocent sweet cat does not enjoy). I’m no mathematician, but that’s ALOT. I had my act together. I currently do not have my act together anymore.
Has divorce always been my destiny? Will divorce now become my children’s destiny?
My ultimate goal has always been breaking cycles. Especially on my best days, I know that I can do this. I am a strong empowered mother regardless of the actions of my parents. However, on my grey days, all I see are similarities. I hear my mother’s voice coming from my mouth and I despise it. I don’t remember the good times. I don’t let my partner help me.
I didn’t observe a healthy relationship as a child, so how can I possibly know how to be in one? We preach kindness, yet we struggle to give it to ourselves. We refuse to even let it in.
It is a constant battle, this emotional war I wage against myself. They say time heals, but I no longer believe that is necessarily true of everything. Our pasts are our pasts regardless of how far we have come. An outside observer would say that I’m thriving. My actions do prove it. I make healthy choices for myself and my children. But that is BECAUSE I must actively choose to run headfirst in the opposite direction of everything that feels instinctual. And it isn’t fun. It doesn’t feel like success to be always trying so hard.
So, back to my wild goose chase. Experts say 80% of children of divorce DO NOT have long-term negative effects on their mental health. Hmm, perhaps I’m in the unfortunate 20%? OR maybe, success is measured in our daily achievements…in each moment? I apologized to my kids today. I cried in front of them last week. We laughed after school yesterday. I told myself it wasn’t scary to write this.
