The Missing
The Beauty In Letting Go
It hurts sometimes…the missing. Desire. Longing. The never-ending wonder.
I wonder where he is.
I wonder if he thinks of me.
I wonder if he misses me too.
It has been years, but he still lives in my mind. Only there in fact. A memory that I savor and take out on the occasions when I’m feeling nostalgic. Maybe I don’t want him to leave. Perhaps, as a writer I want him to live in my head forever, to help the words flow. To me, he is the epitome of passion.
“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”-Anais Nin
“You are my weakness, my trigger, the safe place inside my head. With the lights off and a bit of whiskey, I let myself pretend it’s you.”@DirtySweetPoetry
Everything looks rose-colored in retrospect after all. The grass is greener on the other side. But I don’t want to go to the other side. Honestly, I simply enjoy the remembering. I like going over that one perfect night. Or the phone calls. Or the way his voice dripped like honey into my stomach…
When I can’t sleep. When life is particularly difficult. When I’m feeling like “just a mom”. When I feel nothing and I want to jump-start my heart. Depression and anxiety have been friends of mine for too long. I’m completely aware that feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all. I have been down every road. I’ve learned to let myself enjoy the healthy ones, but the past has its place here too.
It was a journey of madness and vulnerability. It truly was.
“I’ve got a bad habit of putting you on when I shouldn’t be anywhere close to your memory. I cuddle up with your voice in my mind as my head hits the pillow and my body collapses from the exhaustion…bones rubbed raw, love clashing with hate. I hope you feel awful. Just kidding, I fucking hope you feel great.”-@DirtySweetPoetry
And here I am. I’ve made it out to the other side. I’ve figured out the beauty in letting go of something that was not meant for me. I believe the right person won’t let you go. And although the missing can feel like such a ridiculous ache…I know that ache is not what a healthy partnership is built on. Certain pains need to be felt and acknowledged, and that is all. I enjoy the wisdom and peace that have come with time and age.
My present-day love, my forever love is nothing like HIM. My forever love is fully aware of the intensity involved in this past relationship. He reads the poetry it has inspired. He doesn’t try to pretend it never existed. He adores the past, present, and future parts of me.
I will tell my children to find this type of love. While I do want them to experience immense passion, ultimately I hope they find that one person that cares for the well-being of their mind above all else.
It’s fun to take out memories from time to time. It’s relaxing. It fuels creativity. But real love is a choice. Two people who choose each other. That’s the love story you’ll want to write. In the end, I don’t want to wonder. I want to KNOW.
