I Fell in Love, So I Came to the Qalam Seminary
A year and 10 days ago, I came out to the world with the real version of my story to Bayyinah. 10 days ago, thousands of people read my story out of “Islam” and then back into it. Therefore tonight, it is pretty cathartic to be writing another story. And this story is about love. Of falling in love.
In October 2012, I showed up at the front desk of the Islamic Society of Boston Cultural Center (ISBCC), later my mosque-to-be, and asked the office assistant, “Do you know anyone who is looking for a roommate? Or has an apartment for rent? Just anyone with whom I can stay with beginning tomorrow?”
She looked horrified and asked me, “What do you mean?!”
“Ummm…I don’t have a place to live.”
I did not have family in the States; so I explained to her that I had been hopping around from one place to another, depending on whoever took me in, while I applied for jobs in Boston after graduating college. I had been doing this for over two months and now, with barely $50 in my pocket, had exhausted all my financial and human resources.
Basically, I was homeless.
A teenager overheard our conversation and reported it to her mother who took me into their home. Shortly thereafter, I was made to leave that house too for reasons which are beyond this post. Long story short, after the 6-month long ordeal of displacement, I was lonely and broken; but most importantly, exhausted.
It was during that time of transition and bereavement when I discovered the seerah podcasts, a series of lectures taught by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda on the biography of the Messenger of God, Muhammad ﷺ (may peace and blessings of God be upon him).
Shaykh began the seerah podcasts with the disclaimer that he will teach every single thing that he comes across in his research in order to do justice, at least on his part, to the 63-year lifespan of the best man to walk on this earth. He wanted to share the humanness of the Prophet ﷺ with the world: the times he cried, the times he was depressed, the times he was broken and the times he was overjoyed when finally, after hardship came ease.
If we did not understand the life of the Messenger of God ﷺ and the pain and difficulties he and those who were close to him went through, there would be no reason for us to relate to him. No wonder in today’s world, the examples of prophets are unattainable pedestals that seem to be far beyond our reach. There was a reason why God said the following:
“The Messenger of God is an excellent model for those of you who put your hope in God and the Last Day and remember Him often.” — Qur’an 33:21
The seerah podcasts were launched in 2011. We are now in 2016. With 140+ episodes down, Shaykh still has yet to cover the remaining five years from the life of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.
It was while I did copious amounts of experiments with human cells and mice as part of the job in cancer research that I ended up in, did the seerah podcasts became my go-to. I have a two-in-one rule: if I work with my hands, I will learn simultaneously too. I would listen to sometimes 4–5 episodes in one day and would not move to the next episode until I listened to the present one at least two times.
Finally, the Messenger of God ﷺ and those who were beloved to him were becoming real people I intimately knew. I can never forget the day I heard the episode of Umar ibn Al-Khattab’s (may God be please with him) acceptance to Islam. I not only cried, but profusely sobbed and had to step away from work to regain my composure.
Umar’s story has always been very beloved to me. How he scoffed at the idea of religion and did all sorts of rebellious things, things I know so well because I too share the guilt of similar misguidance. But then, his spirit breaks and his pride shatters when he reads the words:
“Ta, Ha. We have not sent down the Quran to you to cause you distress.” — Qur’an 20:1–2
I had heard his story many times but the sincerity Shaykh carried in his words was special, one that I had not experienced before. I was falling in love and I didn’t even realize how strong that love was until I went for umrah, the minor pilgrimage to the cities of Makkah and Madina.
I would stare at the green dome and stroke the ground with my fingers because this was the same earth that touched the blessed feet of the man I so dearly loved. I preferred praying outside so I could rest my head on the cool marble and feel connected to the men and women I knew so well, those who are buried in the same soil. There were a few episodes of the seerah podcasts that I would play over and over again: the ones about the Prophet ﷺ losing his love of 25 years, the entire year when he was depressed thereafter, and when he went to seek solace from another people but was pelted with stones instead. I couldn’t help but grow in admiration and deep awe of this man. Personally, I didn’t even know what exactly to pray to God for. The only words that came out of my mouth were:
“God, I don’t know what’s best for me but accept me for Yourself and guide me to knowledge of Yourself and Your Prophet ﷺ because O God! I really want to know more about this man and live my life in accordance to his.”
Two years later, I found myself at the Qalam Seminary in Dallas, TX.
A couple of months ago when we studied the above passage at the Seminary, I was transported back in time. After 11 years of preaching and receiving persecution and torture from his own family members and neighbors, the Messenger of God ﷺ started presenting himself and his Message to the pilgrims that visited Makkah during the season of the Hajj.
If you have ever been to Hajj or even seen pictures of it, you probably know how the tents in Mina are lined up across the stretch of 100s of miles of land. The Prophet ﷺ himself would walk from tent to tent asking, “Is there any man who can take me to his people, for indeed, the Quraish have prevented me from conveying the speech (i.e. the Message) of my Master,” as if to say, “There’s gotta be someone out there who will listen to what I have to offer!”
He kept being turned away, tent by tent, one tribe after the other; and it was at that moment in class when I recalled my own words from 3 years ago,
“Is there anyone who will take me in?”
No matter how difficult my life sometimes seems, it does not come an iota close to what Prophet Muhammad ﷺ bore in his life. There are times when life sucks so much energy out of me that I simply want it to end. However, the only thing that keeps me afloat is the hope of meeting the Prophet ﷺ himself if I ever make it to Paradise, God willing.
Because when I do, the first thing I will do is search for my beloved ﷺ and ask him,
“HOW in the world did you do it?! Because if it wasn’t for you, I would not have not survived the life we left behind. So today, all I want to say to you is:
O Messenger of God, no doubt, I love you!”
