Non-Violent Communication
Have you ever happened to feel an affinity with Cassandra, a prophetess, whose visions from the future were proving to be true, yet her contemporaries ignored them, often to their own peril? The recent Linus Torvalds’ apology for being a jerk reminded me of the years I spent in Cassandra’s shoes. As far back as in 2013, I championed the importance of empathic and thoughtful communication in software development teams, and it seemed that no one listened. 2018 looks like a better time for revisiting the subject, so let me offer some of my reflections on non-violent communication.
Communication means a lot for software development teams. If something goes wrong, misunderstandings pile up; and, confronted with misunderstandings, people do not work well as a team. Which, in turn, takes its toll on the software they deliver. Messed up releases, uncoordinated efforts, misinterpreted motivations, assuming others miss some points, because those others didn’t tell all the people involved about their reasons for this or that action… This might sound all too familiar for our “develop-integrate-deliver” team environments. Hmm, and I wonder why they, generally, do not film soap operas about software development teams…
Since I’ve been a part of quite a few teams in my years of work, the issues with communication have always been on my radar. I’ve been figuring things out by myself; and a big credit for supporting me indirectly in this self-powered research goes to Bob Marshall, who used to tweet quotes from the book by Marshall Rosenberg, called “Non-Violent Communication.” I rarely insist that some book is a must-read. The story of one other time that I did is told in my Mastery vs. Productivity article. And, if there’s one book that I would recommend for any and all folks in software development, “Non-Violent Communication” would be the one. The book’s fields of application are so versatile. Anywhere where people get together, share the same space, work as one team — these principles will overhaul the ways of thinking and living, fostering harmonious environments.
Very briefly, non-violent communication shifts the emphasis from “resolving conflicts” to “identifying needs”. Conflicting feelings and behaviors originate from people’s needs met or unmet. Even if there’re no obvious conflicts in a team, but some unmet needs are simmering under the surface, then actions would be tainted, relations would be tainted, and all of that would boil down to what we refer to as “a lack of communication”.
Here’s a verbal exchange which shows how lack of communication manifests most commonly:
- (A) Why haven’t you done that and that?
- (B) I didn’t know.
- (A) Why haven’t you asked sooner?
….that’s where an awkward silence ensues, and that’s where we tap on those simmering unmet needs. Why was it easier for person (B) not to ask sooner? Why person (A) didn’t bother to make sure that person (B) knows what has to be done? Who was supposed to check on whom? This quick interlude can spark a dozen questions which in turn would bring in more questions. Digging to the roots of the unmet needs requires patience, empathy, compassion, and self-compassion as well. These people skills are oftentimes ignored in software development teams. Among other things, here’s what Linus Torvalds had to say in his apologetic email:
If Linus Torvalds himself is being confronted for not understanding emotions by his own community, then… something must have truly shifted. There are more voices telling how folks wouldn’t reconcile to the jerk-tech-gurus anymore. What strikes me as particularly incomprehensible is the near-medieval lack of foresight on the part of some tech bosses about the long-term effects of their “ jerkiness”.
People skills can only be ignored at our own peril. If the technical part is all handled to a T, and something is still wrong, it’s time to look for the reasons in the people’s part.
This story was updated and re-written from one of my earlier articles.
