The Courage to Break Up
Last week-end¹ saw the crowning of two first-time US Open tennis Grand Slam champions: Angelique Kerber and Stan Wawrinka. Tennis has long been an important part of my life, because I regard it, first and foremost, as an engaging research ground for remarkable individual achievement. In my view, those very two champions, Angie and Stan, bring to light an often overlooked component of personal success that they have in common. The journalists who cover tennis events never seem to mention this component. It’s called: the courage to break up.
When a champion stands on a big stage, at a moment of triumph, and the crowd cheers them, what goes through the champion’s mind? As Angie Kerber would say in her many interviews, it’s about the hard work paying off. Believing in yourself, taking your time and then seeing your dreams come true. By the common standards of “fit for championship” age — which, thankfully, have been consistently shattered by another great champion, Serena Williams — Angie Kerber is a late bloomer. She won her first Grand Slam title at Australian Open earlier this year, at 28. And, last Saturday, after the final, Angie was exuberant, as she rushed to the player box to share the joy of victory with her support team. I watched her hugging her mom, her coach, and her other folks. But there was no sign of Angie’s dad, and, in tennis, girls are often coached or helped by their fathers. Think Serena Williams, Caroline Wozniacki, Maria Sharapova, and many others. So, I wondered: where’s Angie’s father? Why is he not there, rejoicing? It turned out that Angelique broke up with him 12 years ago, in 2004. As you might have guessed, he was and still is, a tennis coach, and now he asks himself: what has he done wrong? Paradoxically, his interview (in German) might have an answer. Even now, 12 years later, Kerber’s father insists that he knows better what his daughter should be doing on court. He goes along saying: “Had she listened to me, she would have become a champion much earlier”.
There you go, Mr. Kerber. It’s the “had she listened to me” part that tells a lot. Naturally, we can’t be certain as to why exactly father and daughter broke up in this particular case, there can be all kinds of reasons. What I know for sure is that I can easily relate to the spirit of rebellion and resistance, whenever someone claims that they know what’s right for me. By my late 30’s, I’ve learned the hard truth: mind those who want you to do good on their terms. They might give zero care about your own reasons, or your own traits of character, or your own particular way of doing things. Those said “they” could be someone from your family, or someone who you feel are like family to you. Anyone with whom you have emotional ties. It can even be a cultural environment. And, sometimes, you have to take a hard decision — it truly does not come easy — to cut them off.
The case of Stan Wawrinka, 2016 US Open men’s champion, is even more astounding. In early 2011, the news was out that Stan, then world number 21, just packed his bags and moved to a hotel, leaving behind his wife and 2-months old daughter. Direct quote here: “Wawrinka felt that he has only five more years to make an impact in tennis and hence cut out family distractions.” I remember myself thinking back then: what, is he some kind of a cruel beast, who cuts off his new-born daughter and wife just so? Besides, Wawrinka’s ex-wife has been reported as saying that other top players somehow manage to combine their family life and their tennis career with success. Drama aside, it doesn’t look like anything horrible happened to Stan’s daughter or wife after the split. What hits the “rebel” button in me is that Stan’s ex-wife referenced those others.
Fast forward five years. As of September 2016, Stan Wawrinka is a 3-time Grand Slam Champion. He is considered a late bloomer, just like Kerber, since he won his maiden Grand Slam title at 28, at the 2014 Australian Open. He believed in himself, worked hard, moved forward, and… had the courage to break up, back at the time. Now it appears that his daughter might become a tennis champion some day as well :) She looks focused as her dad introduces her to tennis basics :)
To me, this isn’t only a story about tennis, or achieving success in tennis. Ask yourself: who is it that just keeps me hanging on? Who wants me around because of their own uncertainty as to what to do about me? No matter, if they are well-meaning or not — and it’s many times harder when they are — think: is this emotional tie doing me any good, in personal or in professional, or in any other context? Or, has it become a debilitating burden? Am I fine with some cultural biases, or are they hindering my personal achievement? As poignant as it is, the choice is not at all easy, and some of us have been faced front with this experience. It takes not only courage, but lots of time, to re-group and to re-build your base after an emotionally charged break-up. As Angelique Kerber, the only multiple Grand Slam champion of recent years who is not Serena Williams, would say repeatedly: believe in yourself, work hard, and watch your dreams come true.
Who cares then if you come across as a late bloomer :)
[1] Originally, this article appeared on my LinkedIn page in September 2016.
Related:
Beware Flat Hierarchy: A Personal Story
Why don’t we start at the beginning?
