Entry 4: Cats, Cocktails, and Consciousness
Alternative Title: Mortality, Monks, Memes, and More
Occupation: Almost graduated! Can’t believe it. Starting job next month at a public interest law firm and feeling lucky to have state-funded employment that lets me work remotely.
Quarantine Status: It appears I’ll be here with my family in SoCal for a while.
State of calmness: I’ve had a pretty terrible couple of weeks, I’ll be honest. My material circumstances are calm, but my mind is not. Heads up, this diary will probably be pretty sad.
Reaction to local/state/federal response to the area: Since when have car dealers been “essential businesses”? I don’t think California is ready to start this opening-up process to be honest, and I’m happy that SF is waiting an extra couple of weeks. My family and I will be staying home until the coast is more clear (which is a huge privilege that we have).
Day 39 (4/24)
What marks a turning point in your life? Perhaps the end of the calendar year, a birthday, the first of the month, the changing of seasons? For me, it’s when I switch journals.
I’m choosing to start my diary on this day, because it was a switch day. I go through a journal every month-and-a-half ish. My journal is an extension of my being. I write down random thoughts, to-dos, doodles, journal/diary entries, and notes for pretty much everything besides my classes (though sometimes, also my classes).
My newest journal is Harry Potter themed, in light of all the Harry Potter I’ve been reading of late. The first page is a list of to-dos left over from my last journal (in the journal transition, I transferred all the starred items and thoughts saved for later). The list includes everything ranging from ”Watch Money Heist” to “Read the Erica Chenoweth 3.5% rule paper” and “Get an alarm clock and sleep without your phone.”
I also made a list of things I want to do in the month between the end of school and the start of work. Among these are taking an online class with my mom about Buddhism, re-reading some favorite book series’, and being more present and helpful for my brother’s small children.
Also on this day or perhaps the day after (pretty sure the journal switch was in the middle of the night), I called a good friend of mine from childhood, ran a game of “Everyone is John” themed according to the secret Mongol queens, read some Milan Kundera, and attended a “Zoom Lightning Talks” session covering controversial life hacks, HP characters who should’ve been queer, and the lie of Taco Bell.
Day 42 (4/27)
This was not a fun day.
I took my cat to the vet with my mother, probably the first physical interaction I’ve had with someone beyond my household in over a month, and we found out that she has terminal cancer.
It broke my heart to see my various family members break down upon hearing this news. I feel like for the last few weeks, our emotional states had all been hanging on a thread — the only thing keeping us sane was the fact that no one in our family was sick. Our household is our entire world right now, and that fact makes every emotion magnified.
I started to have some weird and eerily familiar thoughts about how I don’t believe in my own existence — or rather, I’m stunned that I’m actually a person who exists, with a consciousness that has a start (birth) and an end (death). It feels continuous the rest of the time, but that is an illusion. Have you ever tried to picture the end of your consciousness? It’s a crazy rabbit hole. Don’t try this at home.
My cat is the purest creature who ever walked this Earth. She signifies innocence and childlike wonder, with a sparkle in her eyes and a quest for adventure. I know I should be grateful that it’s not a human member of our family who’s sick, that the sickness is not contagious, and that we still have, supposedly, a few months with her. I can’t help but feel like it’s still not fair.
It also blows my mind that we live in a society where vets in wealthy, white neighborhoods are considered essential enough to be open during shelter-in-place, while simultaneously we rely on factory farming for food. I couldn’t help feeling uneasy at dinner, when loved ones discussed a potential thousand-dollar chemo treatment for our cat, all while munching down the beef and pork in front of them.
Day 45 (4/30)
Last day of undergrad lectures! Wild.
I remember being a freshman and thinking about how I couldn’t even imagine myself graduating. I was so excited to embark on the whole ~college journey~ that I didn’t give much thought to its ending. I don’t know what I’ve expected since then, but it definitely wasn’t Zoom classes from SoCal.
I actually attended my discussion section for the second time since quarantine and decided to email my professors to schedule check-ins for the following week. I tried to put my mind off my cat by outlining one of my finals and scheduling upcoming topics for the mini lecture series.
I gave a presentation about my thesis to one of my classes, and that was pretty rewarding. I was so sad after my last lecture that I spent 30 minutes looking at classes in the fall that were happening in the evenings, so I could attend (or “attend,” if they’re still online).
In the evening, I had a good laugh with my friends from study abroad. It’s always a pleasure to hear about their most recent gossip and drama. For the lecture series, we learned about the origins of law and insurance and I argued, as usual, against market logic.
I wish I could say I ended the night with these cool activities and a very relaxing acupuncture session, but alas. I couldn’t sleep due to some nausea, which worried me because my period was like 10 days late (Don’t worry, we’re in the clear now). I ended up staying up until 5am alternating between reading Order of the Phoenix, thinking about how horrible it would be to be pregnant right now, and trying to sleep.
Day 48 (5/3)
Yesterday doesn’t feel real. It’s not real. It can’t be.
I woke up to mountains of messages. The realization hit. My heart sunk. It was real.
How do you even begin to process a friend’s passing? A friend who was, like you, only 22, a wide-eyed idealist, full of hopes and dreams and plans and ambitions? And then, poof, gone. Just like that.
The previous day’s events began replaying before my eyes. Ominous texts that didn’t sink in. Little bits of information, slowly building a terrible picture I tried my very hardest to push out. A phone call here, a notification there. How is this possible? Why him?
The day passed in a blur. Though I’m writing this less than a week later, I couldn’t really tell you what I did. I see from my journal that I took a few notes on a book called “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari” and attempted to write a somewhat coherent thesis conclusion (it was due the next day). I’m sure I spent a lot of time simply staring into space, and randomly burst out crying when it hit again, in waves.
I decided to disappear for a few days and texted the few people I thought would notice my absence. I then realized this wasn’t very healthy for me and proceeded to reach out to others who were close to him. People who I used to be so close to too, like him, who I hadn’t spoken to in a while, because I always thought that I could.
It seemed like I was living somebody else’s life.
I got my shit together a little bit to watch “The Half of It” on Netflix with S, who’s been incredibly supportive yet perfectly not pushy. I thought about how my friend would appreciate the main character being queer and Asian. We never got to talk about the incongruences we share from being biracial and bisexual. He never got to do so many things. It hurts to think about it.
My dad shared with me the first time a good friend of his passed away, also in his early 20s. Blood cancer, and he was sure he would beat it. I’m still struggling to find the words to express the profound injustice. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Confusion. It honestly still doesn’t feel real. I wonder if it ever will.
I stayed up, again, far too late, thinking about the imminence of mortality. At least if it were COVID, we could’ve had some level of preparedness. I decided to write a Facebook post to get things off my chest (though not without guilt, as I know he hated Facebook and would not have appreciated this kind of attention), edited it dozens of times, cried and texted friends to grieve together, and went to bed with a huge head and heartache.
Day 51 (5/6)
This was probably the first day I felt even remotely okay since my friend’s passing (still not okay, don’t know when/if I will be), and I wasn’t even myself — actually quite literally, as I traded lives with someone else. I thought it would help me take my mind off things, and it did.
Sit down, preferably in a common room with other people, and read a book in silence. Only speak when spoken to.
Great. After waking up quite a bit earlier than I usually do, I rolled downstairs, still wearing a robe (I noticed that “shower” and “put clothes on” were later in the schedule), and opted for a chapter of the Monk book. I have mixed feelings about it, but decide I wanna read it anyway.
Make yourself an overly elaborate breakfast. For style points, don’t use a recipe
Because G is a bougie bitch, I decided to roll with it and make avocado toast with hummus and a shit ton of spices. Proud of myself, I sent pictures to G and their partner T with the caption “this would be $14 in the Bay Area.”
Make a cup of tea. Watch Public Finance lecture. Get angsty about the failings of economic models.
Don’t have to tell me twice. G is an aspiring economist and we’ve had many a wonderful debate about the benefits and drawbacks of economics research. Having taken some Econ classes and worked for an economist in the past, I found it interesting to watch this lecture and think about how much my perspective on all of these things have changed. I appreciated the rundown on health insurance in the US, which still confuses me deeply.
Get dressed, spend at least 10 minutes deciding your outfit. Take a mirror selfie and send to T.
I was between two outfits: ObaMao (funny shirt or slightly problematic political statement?) with red plaid over it, or puffy yoga pants with sports bra (“white boi just got back from India #enlightened!” vibes)? I decided on a combination of the two.
Unlike when I did the life switching with A, I did not follow the schedule to the dot. We had a few technical difficulties as I needed G’s canvas login to view lectures, I had a couple of meetings for myself that I couldn’t miss, and kind of ran out of time. I missed the neighborhood walk + Ezra Klein podcast part, for instance, instead listening to the episode G gave me while looking at dull economics papers. Sad.
I had a great time chatting with T, doing Yoga with Adrienne, and finally reading some Jia Tolentino. My favorite part of the day, however, was making cocktails for my family. We dug up some god-knows-how-old tequila and triple sec, and I mixed it with pomegranate soda, apple cider, and orange juice. Not too shabby!
I viewed an art history lecture with my tipsy mom and lazed around the kitchen. I resented G for making me watch Love is Blind, but to my surprise, enjoyed it (though to be fair, I was slightly buzzed at this point). Turns out the show is a lot better with the absence of the homophobic character! Wow!
Midnight hit and my mom asked, “Oh, so you’re F again, not G? That means I can scold you right?” I laughed for the first time in what seemed like years. It felt wrong.
Read book in bed till your eyes glaze over. Pass out.
I read some of Half Blood Prince and then went to sleep, feeling confused.
