Life in the Age of COVID-19: Entry 3
Blurred Lines, Blurred Lives
Occupation: Still a graduating senior
Quarantine Status: Still quarantined in family home, but out of self-isolation!
State of calmness: Not so calm. Feeling antsy.
Reaction to local/state/federal response to the area: Policy-wise, doing ok here in California. However, I’m extremely angry at the people protesting shelter-in-place because of their “constitutional liberties.” How selfish can you get?
Day 0: Saturday, April 11th (Day 26 of shelter-in-place)
Prompt: Write a story with layers (think Inception)
Layer Zero: Your brain. You awaken past your alarm time, feeling physically sore but mentally well-rested. You are late.
Layer One: Home. You grab some tea and leftover date cake from yesterday’s somewhat futile attempt at baking.
Layer Two: Berlin. United we Stream, stream we do together! :// about blank is hosting an online event with live DJs. You relish the ~vibes~.
Layer Three: Pompeii. John attempts to pull the golden dildo from their ass, and asks villagers to help. It is one day before the Mt. Vesuvius eruption.
Layer Four: Internet. The realm of starred emails, unanswered messages, and Temple Run. You are deep in collecting coins when a voice awakens you. “Next roll for willpower.”
Three. A drugged John successfully pees on the mayor’s rug.
Two. A techno trance is coming.
Three. John attempts to bite the hand of the mayor’s servant.
Four. You get a notification from a friend having relationship problems.
Three. John successfully bites the hand.
Two. The song is seemingly changing, but you could never tell with Techno anyway.
One. Your brother enters the room and starts holding office hours.
Two. The song, the song.
Three. John is outside now, trying to summon water, but summoning water is not actually a power they have.
Four. Your friend considers breaking up with her boyfriend.
Three. John runs. Two. The DJ plays. One. Something something physics something. Zero. You might explode.
One. Your surroundings and physical space indicate that you’re at home, but nothing else seems to line up.
Two.What you would give to be on that dance floor right now, full of people & sweat & germs & glitter & colors & music &, in a word, freedom. What a juxtaposition to the now.
Three. John will not be free until they complete their mission. They must make the villagers a feast and have them fall in love. What are the others doing?! No! Don’t go there!
Four. You should probably break up with him, you say to your friend before scrolling through your Newsfeed and filling out a when2meet.
Three. Does John hear the techno? They must. You plot your next turn as you watch the others move John about.
Four. Maybe he does deserve another chance.
Three. John gets the dildo out.
Four. But then again how someone handles conflict is really important.
Three. He has to clean it ’cause it’s full of shit.
Four. But yeah I guess you won’t see him until May.
Three. John cleans the dildo and moves on.
Two. You’re back in Berlin. You decide to take the city for a walk.
One. The ladies walking towards you cross to the other side of the street upon seeing you.
Zero. Are they racist or doing that for everyone?
One. You see the Ocean.
Two. You dance.
One. You see the Ocean.
Two. You dance.
One. You see the Ocean. Two. You dance. One. You see the Ocean. Two. You dance. One. You see the Ocean. Two. You dance. One. You see the Ocean.
Zero. Is this infinite recursion?
One.You walk home and realize that you’re still home. You get something to eat and start writing.
Two.The music guides your pen as it glides across the notebook. You are right in your element. But it’s not real, a thought from Layer Zero permeates. None of it is real.
One. The physical space coalesces into your body and you feel the chair beneath you, the buds in your ears, the bracelet on your wrist. This must be real at least. I am in Layer One! You scream. Reality!
Zero. Ah, my dear child, says your brain. Don’t you be fooled. I am the only thing that exists in the world.
Day 4: Tuesday, April 15th (Day 30 of shelter-in-place)
I spent a day in the life of my dear friend André, who I’ve known since elementary school. We decided to make each other schedules to simulate a day in our respective lives and exchange them. He went to my classes and talked with my friends, among other things, and I…
9am: Awaken and read a last minute reminder from André saying “Don’t scroll through your phone!” I oblige, but the schedule is momentarily disturbed by my brother coming in to teach.
No worries. I brush my teeth and follow a routine following the exercises of a “buff asian guy” (André’s words). I complete the morning meditation in a common space. During this, I notice a lot of noises — my dad playing a video, my brother lecturing, people walking around, etc.
Though a self-proclaimed sort-of-Buddhist-in-the-Chinese-sense-not-necessarily-the-religious-sense, I’m astoundingly bad at meditating (at least while sitting still). I try really hard to “escape” the noise by imagining myself “running” to a corner of my mind, but that doesn’t really work. I also try to focus on particular visuals, like drawing a box or laying wallpaper down bit by bit. This works a little better.
My thoughts surround dreams, ongoing conflicts, yesterday’s mini lecture on “Why are all these white people meditating? And should they be?”, and my subsequent talk about Zen Buddhism with my mom. Last night, I learned the extent to which mindfulness, like everything in the US, has been commodified, so this morning, I take a moment to reflect on André’s thoughtful integration of mindfulness practices into my day. This is what mindfulness means, I think, not corporate meditation rooms or a 10-minute-a-week Headspace session to “boost productivity.” Who am I to say what mindfulness means though?
9:45am: I take my time making breakfast and eat in my backyard with my mom. I know that André is sheltering-in-place alone, so it doesn’t feel quite right to be interacting so much with my family. I discuss this with my mom, and she ends up sending a text to André(/Franziska for the day) about making sure to clean his groceries. Very mom-like indeed.
10:15am: I watch these incredible Bach and Mendelssohn visualization videos and totally lose myself in a trance. I especially love the second one and look forward to reading about it later in a book André “assigned” me. I then re-listen to these songs while reading a hilarious article titled “How to Fake Your Way Through Hegel” (André is a philosophy major). The comments are the best part.
11am: I take a brief hiatus from André’s life to call my fellowship supervisor. Then, I enter into a work session learning about operating systems (he’s a CS major as well). To my surprise, I actually enjoy the readings quite a bit, and I am reminded of the positive parts of my own (largely regrettable) CS bro phase a few years ago — only without any of the stress attached. I make myself laugh coming up with terrible pick-up lines and sexts regarding computer systems, and I send a few to Sylvain (who’s also a coder).
12:15pm: I cook something myself for the first time in a while. (My family usually eats together and delegates chores accordingly — I normally wash the dishes while others do most of the cooking). I make a rather interesting dish, spaghetti made from a tofu substitute (my family’s well-intentioned effort to be veg-friendly; only spaghetti is already veg so idk lol). I add some fake pork with BBQ sauce, eggplant, and lots of veggies, and it’s actually quite good!
I divert from the schedule a little bit by eating with my family, but then I am onto videos by André’s “favorite C++ teacher” — this hot Australian who I very much enjoy watching though I don’t learn much C++. After that, I do a part of the schedule I was quite excited about:
Wash dishes. Like, really wash them. Make sure you’re not doing the dishes just to get it over with, but try to wash dishes for the sake of washing dishes. Focus on the dishes and your sponge. Take your time. If it helps, you can get physically close to the dishes (move your head closer) to ensure the dish is, currently, the most important thing in the world. Also don’t forget to turn the water off when you’re scrubbing!
Following these instructions, I revel at the patterns in the foam and the way water moves on my plates. I think about what a character André is.
2pm: My mother scheduled a calligraphy lesson with a very close friend of mine who shall remain nameless for now, so she calls him and I clear it with André to join (“Seems like my vibe”). I learn about what my mother calls the “Chinese art of writing,” emphasizing that it’s more about the art than the writing. Apparently all Chinese art is based on calligraphy. Cool stuff.
We have tea after, since there’s a bit of a break in the schedule. (Also, a fun aside: My whole family addressed me as André throughout the day, and my dad once exclaimed “André! Why are you lying on my bed?” with a :O face.)
3:30pm: I complete part 2 of the operating systems work session. Here, I learn about Turing Machines, revisit abstraction concepts, and read an article about AlphaGo to make the point about the “intelligence” of computers.
4pm:I go on a *silent* run/jog, which is new for me, and think about the day so far as well as life, the universe, and everything. It’s actually kind of great to run without distractions, but I also feel way too in my head. I wonder how André does it:
Don’t wear headphones and don’t listen to music…pay attention to your surroundings but also focus on your breath. Try not to breathe too rapidly, and feel your spine stretch every time you inhale.
4:45pm: I start another part of the day I was especially looking forward to — learning about philosophy of mind! I’ve always had an interest in philosophy and brain stuff, but I dipped out of my CogSci phase pretty early on in college. The main point André was trying to make here was about the computational theory of mind, which essentially states that the brain is a computer. I see how the materials of the day build up to this.
On top of finding the material interesting, I enjoy seeing the way philosophy is taught (I’m more of a “drunk-ramble-about-existence-at-3am” kind of philosophy person, rather than “actually-take-a-philosophy-class”). I also feel like I reach a moment of understanding on why/how André thinks so much in general.
6pm: Of course, there’s more mindfulness to come:
Eat what you made at noon. But this time, practice MINDFUL EATING. Put your phone, computer, and whatever that can distract you away. Eat slowly, tasting each ingredient you know you put in your food. Try to identify which flavor belongs to which ingredient. Take your time and really try to feel the individual ingredients.
I take the time to think about and process the things I’ve learned in this day. I realize how well I’ve decompressed the material compared to an average day in my life, where I stack things on top of each other to keep my brain stimulated and endorphins running.
I then try to play the “Tao of Pooh” audiobook on Scribd, but don’t get very far as it tries to make me put down a credit card (ugh). I also attempt to learn how to juggle with some fruit, but also pretty unsuccessfully.
I’m interrupted by news that a good friend of my dad’s passed away, and feel quite sad about this.
7:30pm: I accidentally spend $52 on an out-of-country call to André’s mom, but very much enjoy our chat. She thanks me for helping him decide whether to stay in the US (“He values your opinion”) and for keeping his life entertaining during these lonely times.
8pm: I’m supposed to read some chapters of a book called “Godel, Escher, Bach” but I instead call André to debrief our days (it’s 11pm his time at this point). He says he is so exhausted from my day, but really enjoyed it — especially my podcasts on polyamory and kink (topics we discussed in bits but “it all came together”) and his recent conversation with Zaphira.
We talk for a while, and I end the day feeling very happy that it happened. It’s hard to find fresh ways to get to know someone better who you basically grew up with, especially when you’re so far apart. I’d highly recommend day-switching to anyone reading!
Day 7: Saturday, April 18th (Day 33 of shelter-in-place)
There’s something about socializing alone that’s been getting to me lately.
I woke up this morning, excited yet disgruntled, as today was supposed to be the most glorious of “senior spring” experiences. I gathered my spirits to rally for the morning workout, which began with a run-through of “Fight for California” and a “Go Bears” in between each set. A friend of Shannon’s joined, who would later be my “date” for the bingo activity. He didn’t know what we had meant by “shred,” so he left promptly with promises to return later.
I had a really great time making crêpes and mimosas (though mine had rosé instead of champagne, not *quite* as classy), meeting Shannon’s “French Venezuelan goddess” friend, and exchanging study abroad stories over the oddly formed — yet delicious — shapes on my plate. By the time the brunch was over, I was already buzzed.
The flurry of the morning was very reminiscent of the typical Cal Day arc, albeit with different sounds and activities. People came and went throughout the kitchen, and my ears played a balancing act between friends through my computer, family members saying this and that, my dad playing the “Global Citizen” livestream in the living room, etc.
With pretty high spirits, I decided to sit down and read before the next activity commenced. Here, I felt something that had become far too familiar of late — the inexplicable exhaustion and profound loneliness that comes from socializing alone. I was tired, yet craved company; I did not wish to utter a word, but what I would’ve given in that moment for a hug.
The bingo date went quite well, as it is harder to get distracted when you’re just talking with one person and doing a pre-designed activity. After trying over the years to disassociate socializing as possible as possible with technology and other distractions, I feel like I’ve reverted back to square 0. I found myself again aimlessly scrolling through various meaningless social media feeds while my friends were debriefing their respective “dates.” I even completely tuned out a very interesting conversation about China’s rise as a world power (a topic that’s super up my alley) via several games of Word Hunt (at least I’m getting better at the game!).
The rest of the day sort of worked out and sort of fell apart. We hit the moment of content laziness that comes from day drinking, only this time the slumber was, again, alone, rather than in confused cuddle puddles on various couch crevices. A few hours later than we had said, we began a virtual dance party, only this time I could not summon the energy to keep rallying when others had fallen off.
Digital organizing for my friends has been a major source of my sanity during this time, but I can’t help feeling sometimes like I’m carrying much of the burden alone. I signed up for it, certainly, and I’m used to holding down the fort for events. I love it, I’m good at it, and it works out in most situations. For some moments in recent weeks, however, I’ve simply hit a wall.
Perhaps it’s the lack of physical touch and comfort that have made me feel especially lonely on days when I’m somehow communicating to people the whole time. Perhaps it’s the missing quality time, which is the love language I share with most of my closest friends in college, whose other ways of expressing affection do not mesh as well with mine. Perhaps I’m just hitting that point of quarantine when I’m going a little crazy.
Alas, I’m just rambling now. I am grateful for what I have, and tomorrow is a new day.
